Struggling to cope with my husbands mental health.

[GinnyLuna]

My husband has battled with mental struggles his whole life. We have been together for 12 years. We have a beautiful 2yr old. I can no longer cope with his depression. He has withdrawn from everything. He has no friends, no job, he refuses to see family and has no interest in hobbies. He can’t be positive; it’s just constant negativity. He guilt's me for seeing my friends or going to work. He will say that he does want me to have friends and a career, but then will say that I don’t care for or spend enough time with him. He will tell me that I care about everything else more than him. I feel like he is gas-lighting me but at the same time, he tells me that I am doing that to him, so I don’t even know what to think anymore. Maybe I am the problem.
He smokes a lot but doesn’t want to. It seems to be the only thing that keeps him levelheaded. I don’t help him quit anymore because I can’t handle his mood swings.
I have struggled more over the years to be the person that he needs. I have tried supporting him with routines, taking control of things around the house, cooking, cleaning, shopping, bills, taking phone calls. It never seems to be enough, and he will tell me that I am not there enough for him. Slowly over the years, I have had less energy to keep it up. I clean less, our house is always a mess. It’s easier to get takeout than to cook, or I just cook the same old basic food. I struggle paying bills.
I have tried supporting him with docs visits. We always seem to end up in a dead end. We go to the doc, get a referral to see a psych, he gets meds, he can’t deal with the effects, he goes off meds, gets worse, then agrees to go back to a different doc and the process starts over again.
He started his own business, because he had so much trouble keeping a job. But he struggles with anxiety leaving the house and answering phone calls. Every day I talk him through his negative thoughts and encourage him to go to work. I ended up leaving my job so that I could support him with his business.
I am at a point where I just can’t take it anymore. I have ended up with depression and anxiety myself. I care and love him still. I want him to get better. But I don’t want to be with him anymore. I don’t trust myself anymore. I don’t know if I am the problem like he says, or if that’s just his mental talking. Either way I can’t handle being told I’m not good enough every day. I don’t know what I should do. He is so depressed, that he says he can’t go on if I leave.

[Croix]

Dear GinnyLuna~

Welcome to the Forum. It may be a hard thing to tell your story to people you don't know and can't see, however everyone here has gone though, or is going though, hard times. That creates special understanding. Here you get perspective, something one is often too close to see.

I think the thing that stands out for me is you saying:

"I have struggled more over the years to be the person that he needs."

When one tries to look after the person one loves it is easy to fall into the trap of thinking one is a bottomless well of energy, resourcefulness and responsibility. Being a human being means this is simply not possible, and you have exhausted yourself in every way trying to prop up and please someone who can't be pleased.

He may have depression and anxiety, however that does not mean you take all responsibility -he has to take responsibility too and genuinely try to deal with the illness. It seems to me he is taking the easy -and unrealistic -way out all the time, expecting you to do more and more to the extent you no longer work, not giving medical professionals a fair try and now hinting he can't survive without you.

I don't have to tell you it is a downward spiral for both of you, and not fair on your 2 year old either to have a mum who is overwhelmed.

I simply cannot see you being the problem or the cause of this situation, with the possible exception you have been too kind and sacrificed yourself for too long.

You may think me harsh, however I've been there, had severe depression and ongoing anxiety. This did not mean I did not realise the pressures I was placing on my partner, I did, and felt bad. In little ways I'd try to make up for it, if only offering a cuppa. I went though medical treatment, tablets, therapy, the lot. And I improved until I was able to support my wife, start to repay the debt of care I owed and get back towards a more normal life. I'm not 'cured' but live in a much better world.

Sorry to be blunt but I don't think your husband is trying. Nobody expects miracles, but some degree of effort and cooperation is needed for any treatment to be effective. Blaming you is easier.

You have no more to give, and greatly need support yourself, both medical and personal. May I ask if you have seen your doctor and have support there? Also is the anyone in your life to care and help you, a parent or friend perhaps? My wife had her mum for both emotional and practical help, it made all the difference

Please return

Croix