Stay or Go? Desperately Need Help!

[Tegan33]

Hi All,

I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 4 years. (His 26, im 24) He is one of the most amazing people i have ever met.

In February this year he told me he has been very happy with himself & life, so i told him to see a doctor. He did this that day and told me he had been diagnosed with depression & mild OCD & said he had been feeling this way for the last 5 years but it seems to be getting worse now. He also uses weed heavily and i could never get him to stop as i shouldn't be "changing who he is". The doctor gave him a referral to see a therapist for CBT but he could never take that next step. He also only took his medication for two weeks and said he was fine and the feelings were getting less.

He broke up with me at the start of April, but we got back together at the start of May. I didn't relate this to the depression as he said he was ok and the feelings arent as bad etc. I guess i didnt realise how bad it was and didn't do to much research into his condition.

But last week he broke up with me again, saying its not working, doesnt see a future, his head is all over the place etc and went to stay at his mates that night. The next morning he came home and started crying saying he finally realised he has an addiction to weed and a real problem with depression and needs to see someone, his so sorry he has dragged me through this, i deserve better etc etc.

I have done a lot more research this time, i dont want to leave him alone and i dont want things with us to be over. I want to support him through this and help him get better but he said he needs to work out how his feeling himself.

Only problem is we live together (renting) and i don't know whether to move out, stay and wait till he has had a few sessions with the therapist or just leave and move on. The 4 years I've been with him, we have always had a great relationship and have so much fun together and only in Feb this year has our relationship been rocky which i can now see is do to the depression.

Any feedback would be appreciated, or anyone who has been through the same thing and their outcomes??

😞 xx

[white knight]

Hi Tegan,  welcome to BB forums.

The question you raise is subjective. Some might say go others say stay.

My gut feeling is to stay and fight to help him get on track and make the changes he needs to move forward.  He has been honest about being addicted, he loves you and your relationship has been great up until late.

If you leave then the next relationship might fall apart because your partner gamlbed a bit then wanted to make amends to.

No partner is perfect. If your man was in denial about weed and he didnt respect you etc then it would be more complex. But all I see here on the info you have provided is raising the question of leaving based on you both going through a rough patch.

Hang in there. Love is hard to find. And all of us have rough patches. Rough patches give you long term strength in a relationship. Abuse, violence, infidelity and the like are things that can ruin relationships.  Good luck.  WK

[Tegan33]

Thanks for your feedback!!

Of course I want to hang in there and help him as much as I can! I do love him to pieces. 

Only whenever I tell him this, he says his unsure whether he feels the same but cannot say whether its him or the depression making him feel this way. Ive read so much about it and understand that people in his situation push those closet away. 

But when he says that our relationship might be whats making him feels this bad its hard not to be extremely hurt. 

I have spoken to his parents and they are going to make sure he gets the help he needs if he wont let me help.

I will probably be moving out this weekend, not because I want to but its what he seems to want for the time being. Maybe im just in denial.  But we never had issues before this 😞

[geoff]

dear Tegan, welcome to this site.

WK has made some very good points as he always does and 99.9% of the time I agree with him.

When someone becomes addicted to anything it controls them, whether it's eating chocolate, shopping, alcohol or smoking weed, and some people can go cold turkey, but then a lot of others need help, but there is a catch here, if they go into rehab to stop them and it works so their addication has gone, it's when they get out and mix again with their mates or friends, the temptation is offered to them again, 'oh just have one puff, or one sip it won't hurt you', then bingo it's started all again, so it's back to square one.

I know that you love him, but I'm not too sure whether it's reciprocated, because when someone is intoxicated with either alcohol or weed they talk, and if he loved you then he would be all over you with passion.

I'm sorry, but perhaps if he cleans himself up then the relationship will return, but that won't be tomorrow. L Geoff. x

[Tegan33]

Thanks Geoff.

The addiction to weed is defiantly fuelling the depression or intensifying it, as when he feels down that's his go to to feel better. He has always found it difficult to talk about his feelings with anyone, but he has finally opened up about what he is going through to me. 

I agree with you in regards to the temptation being offered once he has quit, his best friend does it all the time and even after he told his friend about his depression he just said "it doesn't make me feel that way so its not the weed" He really doesn't need someone like that around him right now as these things effect everyone differently. And I'm afraid that this person & group of friends could be his downfall while his trying to get better.

He has always been very loving towards me (especially when drinking). We were about 6 weeks away from buying a house together and he really wants to have kids soon too. I think this could be one of the issues fuelling his depression too as it has taken us longer then expected to be able to get finance for a house (do to my job being self employed and needing 2 years of financials holding us off) and a lot of our friends have bought houses, having kids, getting engaged and he feels like he is going no where.

It is all so confusing, obviously more for him. Everything i'm reading about people suffering depression thinking if they leave their partners it will magically be better and all the things they say about not knowing if they love them.....its exactly what he is saying now.

Maybe the best thing for me to do right now is to leave and give him space, but still be there helping him through his depression! As hard as it is for me, but its not about me! 😞 aarrrgghh!!

[Pixie15]

Hi Tegan,

It seems to me that choosing to stay or go is your decision. 

I have a partner of 34 years who was diagnosed with depression a few years back when I threatened to leave him if he did not seek help. He had suffered all the years we had been together but he never admitted he had a problem. 

Looking back it is difficult to understand how nobody understood. But his moods were attributed to other things. It was only when I started to not support his self-medicating and isolating behavior that our relationship deteriorated.

I would not recommend that anyone else took the stand I did. I had just run out of coping ability which I am starting to get back since I had CBT myself last year. It would seem that generally depression and anxiety respond most positively to being treated kindly.

Buying a house and having children are both difficult stressful activities. If you want to try staying in the relationship it might be useful to put both on hold until your partner has sought the help he has said he needs. 

Weed is not meant to be as addictive as alcohol. If your partner gets other help it might be quite easy for him to give it up. However you may find that your partner may always be "absent" during the difficult times so it is necessary to have other support.

Try not to lose your sense of humor, assuming you have one, it can help with the coping.

Cheers,

Grateful

[Tegan33]

Hi All,

Just thought id would say what has been happening lately.

He finally told his Mum everything that he has been feeling and doing and it turns out she suffered from depression about 5 years ago. She was ready to leave his Dad, whom she has been married to for 20 years. She got help however so that was etc etc but got the help she needed. Now i just wish i told her straight away when he was first diagnosed in February. She has been great for him to talk to as they are so close and she understands everything his going through.

She did tell him not to make a big decision about our relationship right now because of what his going through. But he still keeps saying to me he has nothing left to give at this moment and still wants to fix himself, before he can commit to anything. On his happier days we still get along so well but when his having badder days he tells me he doesnt know if our relationship has caused all these problems. (Even though i know we never had an issue before all this, and the depression is causing all the dramas)

I will be moving out on Sunday and I'm a wreck. All i think about all day is what is going on and its so hard to not break down in tears. It was only a few months ago he was telling people i was the best thing that ever happened to him and now he doesnt seem bothered that everything is falling apart.

His Mum said it took her about 3 months on meds and then she just woke up happy. I feel like i wont be able to move on from him at all until he is getting from the depression and can actually tell me whether its the depression making him feel this way or he is actually done with us. 😞

On the plus side, he has been taking his meds again for about a week, and he is booked in to see a CBT Therapist in 2 weeks. 

xx