son and husband with mental health issues

[pavarotti]

I have been married 35 years - rocky marriage which came to an end after 15 years and then we got back together for the next run - have 3 children - 2 born in the first run and 1 born later. 5 years ago my second son was diagnosed with anxiety - would get rid of everything from his room and live off a back pack, stayed all the time in his room and come down only for food, dropped out of university three years in a row and above all does not have a single friend. Ironically it was only then that I came to realise that my husband had similar issues but on a lesser scale. He hoards - will not throw away anything, hates meeting people. going to parties or entertaining at home, stops talking to me for long periods. This double realisation is draining my energy - I am trying my best to help my son who fortunately accepts his problem and realises he needs help. But unfortunately my husband has gone further into his shell, avoids all contact with me, (we have not had sex in 10 years), escapes into the backyard garden, keeps arranging and rearranging the garden, ran up a $40000 debt which had to be paid out of the mortgage, does not want to have anything to do with the raising of the kids or the paying of the bills (he pays the mortgage though - 'this is my contribution and don't ask for anything more') and has no friends of his own currently (a few from his younger days not in this country). Strangely, to the outside world he seems perfectly normal and presents himself as being the nicest guy in town to the immediate family (mine) and friends circle. I feel so isolated as no one will understand what it is to live with a man who will not look me in the eye, avoids me and shows positive hatred towards me. The last straw was when he recently accused me of being the cause of my son's anxiety. I have been running around from GP to counsellors to clinical psychologists to help the boy while my husband since the diagnosis has withdrawn further and does not want to know anything about his son's illness. A normally strong person I feel so defeated, angry and am so full of regrets and am constantly harbouring thoughts of leaving. Unfortunately I am not in a situation where I can fend for myself and the kids. i fantasise about a normal emotional and physical relationship with a normal person, someone whom I can depend on, someone with whom I can be friends. Living in this constant negativity is draining years off my life and I feel I am wasting away my years in this world.

[geoff]

dear Pavarotti, hi and thanks for joining us, in what seems to be a difficult situation you are in.

We unfortunately aren't psychologists but can try and help you or provide suggestions that maybe of help to you.

So at the moment you have two major problems, your son and then your husband who is displaying various signs of having OCD, such as 'hoarding, rearranging the garden, not interested in knowing about your sons problem;, that is forcing himself to do this, and the big debt that he has created, whatever it is, could also be part of it, but I don't know about why it has been created.

It just all seems to add up, maybe I'm wrong, but from your comment I would say that he does have OCD.

I can't blame your son for having anxiety, as it only seems as though he has one parent not two, so your husband needs help, and if I am right then he is only to get worse.

Your son needs help with trying to cope with his dad blocking him out from his life and this is not going to be easy, so there are a couple of things you can do, ring the BB phone line where they can direct you in a different direction, or you can google something along the lines of 'how to help your parent from blocking your child out', or similar.

I am sorry that you are in this position but would like to hear back from you. L Geoff. x