Separated from depressed husband.

[Queenie]

My husband and I seperated 4 months ago.  He suffers from severe chronic depression and we were both so miserable and he was not acting like a loving, loyal husband.  I wasn't acting like a loving wife either and was completely shattered.  We have been working on our marriage, getting counselling and he is getting support and help for his depression.  I am so frustrated though because it feels like everytime we get somewhere and things improve for us, he does something to jeopordise or stop the progress.  Our relationship is so much better, I am stronger and more secure in myself, as I am getting help also, and a lot of the issues that were holding us apart have been sorted.  Our communication is so much more open and honest.  We have reestablished our relationship boundaries.  We were talking about the future and how we would be selling our house and downsizing with the expectation that we would live together.  Now I have a text (yes a TEXT) from him telling me that he is in a bad way and doesn't want to live with me because he is dragging me into his chaos.  I understand that he had a bad day - but do I take this text at face value and accept that he doesn't want to live with me or do I be understanding that he may not actually feel this way? I don't think this is fair and even though I cried my eyes out when I first read it now I am angry. I am angry that his depression seems to call the shots in our marriage and is making decisions for us.  I would be really interested in hearing what advice anyone has.

[AGrace]

Hi Queenie,

Welcome to Beyondblue, it's great that you've chosen to join the forums and seek support for you and your husband. I say this so often but we really don't give carers enough credit. Knowing what mental illness has been like for me, and the impact it's had on my partner, I can just imagine what you're going through. 

The fact that you've both agreed to individual and couples therapy is a huge step. You should be proud of getting to this point. 

I'm going to head straight to the text. What do you hear in this message? Do you think he would be the type of person to send this message if he were well? What sort of reply do you think he's hoping for? It sounds to me like he's trying to protect you. He probably feels like he's caused you enough suffering. I think the text shows his current mind frame, remember he finds it difficult to be rational because of the depression. I think he's probably hoping that in return you will reassure him, tell him that you want to be with him, and that you want to keep working together because you value your relationship. 

In terms of the depression calling all the shots, what has your therapist said about this? His depression may not last forever, are you happy to make some more sacrifices for the sake of your marriage? It can be difficult to see the illness as separate from your partner because so much of it is reflected in his behavior,  however he has an illness, he is not depression. Nor does he choose to have this illness. 

Have you had a look at any of the resources available on Beyondblue's website?  There's some good information for carers. 

I hope this was useful. Let us know your thoughts. 

AGrace

[geoff]

dear Queenie, can I refer your post back to what happened in our marriage, however it maybe quite difficult for you.

These posts I often wonder if I am doing someone some good or whether I'm not, maybe I can just say that we are now divorced as I was the one with depression. L Geoff. x

[Queenie]

AGrace, Thank you so very much. Every question you asked me to ask myself helped me see that there is a very good reason why I am working so hard to save our marriage.  He is not the type of person who would send such a hurtful, harmful text when he is well - in fact he is just the opposite.  

I was so frustrated when I posted my message.  I felt that the wind had been knocked out of my sails again and I was finding it hard to gain the strength to get up and have another go. I am not done yet 🙂  I really believe my love for him is greater than his illness.  He is an awesome man that I am very lucky (and grateful - our separation has made me realise this) to have in my life.   

 Queenie 

[AGrace]

Hi Queenie, 

You're spot on, frustration and hurt can often cause us to see things in a perspective that is different to how we usually view a situation. It's great that you've been able to see things in a different light, by taking some time to really think about this scenario. 

I loved how you said "I am not done yet". As I said earlier our loved ones and carers are such incredible people. Often their struggles can be just as challenging as the person with the mental illness, and yet they still continue to soldier on. 

I'll be intrigued to hear what happens when you get to speak with your husband. 

Thanks so much for taking the time to update us. 

AGrace

[Queenie]

Hi Geoff,  I thought I had posted a thank you to you yesterday but it hasn't appeared so I will try again.

I really wanted to say thank you.  Your words and insights have been very helpful to me in my particular circumstances.  I appreciate that you are willing to reach out to people to offer them advice and support in what really are confusing and painful times.  You have been very generous with your sharing and I for one appreciate it very much.

Kindest thanks, Queenie