Sad for my kids

[Debedee]

My partner suffers from depression. Has had psychotherapy but doesn't believe he needs medication. He finds exercise helps...this is good you say.  No. He goes to work, comes home, goes to gym. He barely talks to the kids especially our son, which is partly learned behaviour because his father treated him like this. I spent the first 10 years turning myself inside out to encourage him to be involved with the kids but have given up now and just do what I have to do. 

It is a relief when he has to work late or weekends because we can have fun. If we organise things when he is around he wants to participate (out of obligation maybe) but doesn't enjoy it, picks on the kids and is a downer for everyone.

thanks for the vent............I don't think there is an easy answer.

[Neil_1]

Hi there debedee

Thank you for providing your post and welcome to Beyond Blue.

Oh boy, this is quite the situation that you have happening.  With regard to his psychotherapy, that was more of just a process of counselling sessions with a psychiatrist, was it?  As opposed to other things??   Are those sessions now complete and finished?   Do you feel that there was any change in him while he was having them??

I’m assuming that one of his treating professionals suggested that he take medication, but he’s refused too?  Do you think he’d be up for another visit to the GP for another appointment to get a bit of a review for how he’s going?  And for the GP to possibly really encourage him to take on the medication that is being offered??

You say when he’s around, he’s a downer for everyone and doesn’t enjoy the family times – may I ask if he’s at least in an ok demeanour when on these trips?  Ie:  he doesn’t get mean or nasty or violent?  Just asking because I wouldn’t want either yourself or your children to be at risk in any form.

Have you spoken to him about these trips and how they end up turning out when he goes with you all??

Just reading through again, I honestly think he needs to get back to get some more professional counselling – do you think he’d be willing to do this again?   Just a suggestion if he’s not sure, perhaps you could offer to go along with him?   Just a thought.

Hope to hear back from you.

Neil

[Snoman]

Hi Debedee,

My wife has suffered anxiety for a long time.  Her parents have always thought of her as a "difficult" person.  Yet that is not how I saw her.  She could get angry very quickly and blow things out of proportion.  She would also deliberately pick on me just to start an argument.  I'm not the argumentative type, so she had to work hard at it.

Eventually her anxiety escalated and she struggled to get out of bed, to cook, to do anything.  Then she saw a GP who put her on meds, saw a counsellor who helped tremendously.  Now she is so different, she isn't sure who is the real her.  I know this is her norma self, because to me she is the same person, but without anxiety.

Her parents were (and still are) very, shall we say, "challenging".  Nice people, but way too uptight.  They still stress my wife.  When my wife has her grumpy moments with the kids (or me), I know that is comes from her upbringing.  Her parents weren't ideal role models.

Don't know if any of that helps.

Sno

[HA1]

Hello Debedee!

Wow - good post! It really hit home with me.

First of all I would like you to know that you are not alone in your sadness & frustration - my wife went through that.  Your husband is also not alone, you are describing me!  And most importantly your children are going through what mine have gone through.  That you are not alone, probably does not ease the burden, but you will find out that you can get support from BB and its forum members.

Like your husband I worked and stressed out about this and that, got home from work  and exercised and exercised. In later years I exercised and turned to alcohol.  Outwardly fit as a fiddle, but inwardly ....... well unable to relax with my family or acquaintances (won't use the term friends, because I was too high strung to have any).

I don't believe I was a bad husband/dad, and I am sure your husband is the same. I would be there for them whenever they needed something - by their bedside when sick, taking days and weeks of work to help with assignments or exams.  But, crucially, I did not know how to have fun with my wife and children.  I knew this, but could not help it, powerless I thought.  It is a guilt I have worn for many years.  I now realise that it was my undiagnosed anxiety & depression.  Why did I not seek intervention many years ago, when the kids were still young.  I keep asking myself that question, yesterday, today and I know every single day - "what if only ....".  My psychiatrist tells me to eradicate "what if" from my vocabulary - the past is irrelevant and it is the present that counts.  

My untreated illness resulted in a total meltdown.  Since then I have been on a journey of discovery and learning.  I now understand why I was like I had been since a young boy (interestingly, I also did not have opportunity as a child to have fun with my dad).  It does not make it any easier, but at least I now understand, and my kids understand also - they have started to together all the pieces of the puzzle that was their dad.

The point I am making, is that it worries me that your husband is not seeking active treatment - although it is positive that he has been diagnosed. Can he be convinced to read some of the resources available on this website?  I would not want him to end up where I am - the years lost having fun with my children and my wife.  

I have not helped at all I know, and it does seem I have just vented to you!!

But, please continue to vent and ask questions - it does help. 

[Debedee]

Thanks for your replies. He believes he is a good father and I suppose based on his own father he is. He is not violent or abusive at all....he just doesn't engage them. I find it hard to understand.  He comes to their weekend sport games, he is taking the school holidays off work but he wouldn't know their day to day achievements worries etc because he doesn't talk to them. He doesn't get excited about much.

Perhaps because of the depression he cannot make the effort or is just numb

Yes Neil he has sessions with a psych who eventually said he was ok and didn't need to see him again. And yes he has improved in that he is not sitting at the kitchen table crying anymore.  He is somewhat aware of needing some other help as he applied for a trial of natural medicine recently through a major hiospital but if I mention revisiting his depression he gets very defensive and crabby.

i know my issues are nowhere near as bad as some people but If just make me so sad and frustrated.

thanks again for listening.

[Jacko777]

Hi Debedee,

I wonder if you could both see a relationship counselor together? It could be under the pretense of you finding some advice for feeling sad and frustrated but secretly (!) you have the opportunity for a professional to support you in finding a fresh plan.

Meanwhile, to feel less sad and frustrated, take some time out each day to be thankful for where you are right now, the good things about your hubby, (his improvements and awareness etc) your beautiful family, your home, your life, find a place of gratitude in your mind and stay there for a little while. Take some satisfaction in your own efforts, like raising your children, you are moving on a path to fix things, you are not stagnant, well done you! Try to reduce any emotion around things you cannot change or control. 

I know it is hard and I understand you are sad and frustrated. I try to think of the different aspects of my life and how they are sometimes separate and sometimes they cross over. If you can become aware of this you can ensure that you don't bring negative things from one part to another. In other words, witness yourself to check that you are not bringing frustration about your husband into your time with your children. Keep us posted, vent any time.