Out of ideas, affecting me

[wam]

Hi

I left my husband 22 years ago, though we've remained friends as parents of two great kids. He's  struggled with depression for a long time, and relied heavily on me (only me) for support. I raised our kids here in Australia while he worked overseas, without much support myself. He returned to Australia around 5 years ago, stayed at my place while he found somewhere of his own (3 years later, after strong suggestions from me that it was taking too long), and has been struggling badly ever since, living alone. I'm still his only real support, especially when he's very down. There have been two 'threats' of suicide over all this time, and even though I'm sure he'd never do that, the strain of it takes a toll. I feel responsible for him, and although this sounds selfish, like I can never escape. Like it's always dragging me down. I struggle with anxiety myself, and this feels like such a massive weight. I've never remarried, focusing solely on my kids while they grew up, and not really having much of a chance since they left home, given he moved back here almost immediately when they did. I have been trying to get him to get support for years and years, knowing I'm not a psychologist. He has always said it never works (he went twice) and also refuses medication. Until the past week when he's agreed to try again. He still travels for work, and I get messages that he's really down, struggling etc while away. It's awful. I'm totally helpless to help him, I ask if he wants to talk and he doesn't respond. I can now feel it taking its toll on me. I feel my anxiety escalating, it's affecting how I am with others, and my work. I just don't know how to escape this. He has no one else, but even 22 years later, it feels like I can't escape. I really don't know what to do about this. I want to support him, but I don't want this affecting my life as greatly as it does. Any advice very much appreciated.  

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome.

I'm truly sorry to hear about the difficult situation you've been in for so long. It's clear that you care deeply for your ex-husband's well-being, but it's also important to prioritize your own mental health and happiness. And balancing your own needs with your desire to support him can be incredibly challenging and perhaps frustrating.

One possible suggestion would be to a conversation about the effect this has had on you, and at the same time being empathic to his situation.

Alternatively, you could also get advice from speaking with a counsellor yourself? This could help you to find ways to manage the emotional toll this is having on you. You deserve support too, and it's not selfish to prioritize your own well-being.

[therising]

Hi wam

Just want to start by saying you're such a beautiful person, to be so thoughtful, considerate and supportive in so many ways and for so long in this case. It sounds like he sees you as his best and most reliable guide in life. While he is blessed to have such a person as you in his life, it sounds like he doesn't necessarily see having only you as a problem. Smallwolf offers sage advice when it comes to perhaps making him more conscious of it as being a problem while being thoughtful in how you raise his consciousness.

I think it's really hard at times when it comes to how to be the best guide for someone: When and how to use tough love, when to take a break from being a guide and how that break needs to look and feel, when to serve yourself more so that you can be of better service to others, how to steer someone in the direction of other guides so that you're not the only 'go to' person and the list goes on. So hard at times. Again, smallwolf offers sage advice in regard to seeking a guide for yourself. Finding someone who can guide you when it comes to managing a lot of the above factors as well as how to manage the feeling of dread that can come with a simple ring of the phone (dreading who could be on the other end) can be so important when it comes to finding  effective strategies for managing.

I think with the 'tough love' factor it can be hard to be a dictator, especially when all we're trying to do is make life easier for someone who feels it all as being so hard. It's such a heartbreaking thing, to feel someone else's sufferance. To dictate 'Do not come to me until you have explored this avenue I mention' is a tough thing to dictate. To dictate 'You are to begin discussing the tough feelings you feel, in detail' (as opposed to avoiding them) is a hard thing to dictate when you know those feelings are hard for them to feel and/or manage. To dictate 'You must start to open your mind to the suggestions I make and don't come to me until you make that commitment' is really tough because it can feel like you're abandoning the person you care about, a person whose mind is closed around everything they suffer through. The feelings of guilt that can accompany tough love can be horrible and really hard to manage alone without someone to help guide us through.

You are beautiful person who deserves and needs some form of change, relief and joy and a guide to support you through that. ❤️