Not sure how much more I can take

[Quiettall]

Hi there

My wife and I recently retired and moved interstate to be nearer her extended family. She has major illnesses (diabetes and heart) which is enough to deal with but now as a result of her mother passing away 2 years ago, she is suffering major grief and depression. Her once close family has fractured over the estate that was badly handed by the oldest brother. This fracturing of the family has not helped as she expected when we returned "home", everyone would welcome her with open arms.

 The exact opposite has happened where previous friends and many of her family has npt bothered to meet up. There is all sorts of intrigues (real and imaginery) betwene the siblings which has also consumed her.

 I am trying so hard to be supportive, but she is constantly withdrawing, treating me with suspicion or as someone she needs to control and dominate. 

It has got to the point where I've been looking for short term breaks away to get some fresh air for myself, give  her space and inject some positive new experiences back into the marriage. I even suggested we pack up anbd do some short term tours around Australia....as she is a totally different more relaxed person when we are on holidays.

 I am not sure what next I can do..I am seeking an appointm,ent with our GP to see if I can get a referral to a clinical psychologist as its starting to effect my wellbeing and I'm constantly feeling anxious and depressed over it.

[White_Rose]

Dear Quiettall

Hello and welcome to the Beyond Blue community.  I hope you do not mind if I jump in here. I have just read this thread and it seems to me that you are managing quite well.

Mrs Dools suggestion that you do attend therapy sessions with your wife is great. If you have a good psych he/she will work out where the difficulties are and what they are and will work with both of you to to identify them.

It's not a quick fix process unfortunately so you will need to keep encouraging your wife to attend. If I may also suggest, leave any reconciliation process with her family for a while. Clearly emotions are still raw and will remain so until the grief and anger that is affecting everyone starts to calm down. Trying to make reasonable decisions and have good relationships is just too difficult when everyone is already upset. Let it go for a while.

To go back to counselling, as Mrs Dools has said, only the person concerned can make the decision to change. So leave that to the psych and concentrate on loving and caring for your wife.  If she wants to discuss the family or what was said in the therapy sessions perhaps you could have a short discussion, without committing yourself, and suggest you write down the concern to bring up at the next psych session.

Trying to debate these things with your wife will only continue the anger and lack of trust. That's the psych's job to put events into perspective. Let your wife see you love and trust her and keep putting the ball back to the keeper (psych).

I hope my comments are useful.

Mary

[Quiettall]

Thank you so much for your greetings. Things are quiet here as I try not to get involved in any discussions regarding family or my wife's illnesses. As one of the other posts have said, leave those issues for my wife to deal with a counsellor or psych about as I am too close and anything I say is taken as a negative.

Have a great Easter 

[Quiettall]

Hi Mary

Thank you for your insights. I have decided to avoid any discussions re my wife's family or illnesses, including lack of sleep, constipation etc etc. I think they are all symptomatic of one major issue she needs to deal with via the counsellor/psych. Anything I say just inflames her negative feelings, upset and anger. This has meant the household is relatively quiet and I am careful re what I say around her, which means it is very very quiet, but this is better than constantly having to back-track, apologise, explain and re-explain. It has also meant she has taken the point of not focussing on me and everything I do in a negative way, and I think she realises she needs to deal with her issues directly rather than through focussing on chiticising  me and complaining/gossiping about her family's goings on.

 I really appreciate your support and advice

[White_Rose]

Dear Quiettall

Glad my comments are useful.  Please keep us in the loop with what is happening.

Mary

[Quiettall]

Hi there

In the last week or so I have been very careful about what to discuss with my wife in her presence, as I feel she is withdrawing into her own world where the only people she opens up with is a friend and 2 sisters-in-law. Most of those discussions end up being endless gossip and criticism of their husbands and her family. 

I've been focussing on improving myself through doing a number of online courses, improving the garden, doing odd handyman jobs and enrolling as an overseas aid volunteer worker later in the year. This is exciting as it gives me something positive to focus on, and therefore a better balance in my own life.

 In the weeks I will be away, my wife has support through her family (the ones she talks to ). It is sad that two of her older sisters have tried to reach out to rebuild connections with her but have been flatly ignored. 

This is something she needs to deal with and no urging on my part will change that.

[Doolhof]

Hi Quiettall,

Congratulations to you for trying to help your wife and for also having the energy and desire to focus on your own life. You have been making some interesting and great choices.

Yes, it is a shame your wife is not able to just let go of what ever her hang ups are and can not embrace her sisters who have tried to reconnect with her.

Sometimes I don't understand families and relationships at all!

Maybe if your wife sees how full and interesting your life is becoming, she may decide she wants a bit of what you have!

Thanks for sharing this great news with us all.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[Quiettall]

Thank you so much for your encouragement and support. My wife and I had a very lengthy and heartfelt discussion last evening. She admitted that she had caused lots of grief, had sought specialist advice both on her medical and psychological problems and wanted us both to make an effort to get back on track and rediscover our true relationship.

Whilst I am very relieved and happy that she has finally come to this point, I am still wary as she has said this before and quickly fallen back into thew same negative ways. However, I want to giver her the benefit of the doubt and keep a close eye on things from here on.

[Doolhof]

Hi Quiettall,

It is great you have been able to have an open chat with your wife. I do hope she is ale to make some changes and stick to them.

If she does backslide, can you give her some gentle reminders of how she could do things differently, preferably before she sinks down real low again.

I try to be aware of how I am feeling, and if I do become a bit depressed, try to nip it in the bud so to speak before it becomes too serious an issue.

While things are improving, start to think of various things you can do with your wife to help her have a different view of life. Go to places you have never been before.

I made a list of things my husband and I could do together, a lot of things that didn't cost very much at all. He has not yet read the list and was not interested in me reading it to him either. I will be doing those things myself and will ask him if he would like to join me.

Some people are just not willing to step outside of the box or do not want to make an effort to help themselves. All you can do is try.

Keep up your own activities and interests and keep yourself motivated. Like I mentioned in a previous post, it might rub off on her as well.

All the best. Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools