New here...desperate for help

[Conlainza]

I have been married to my husband for 13 years and we have three young children. He has suffered from depression and anxiety in varying degrees over the years and has been in counseling on and off and and meds the whole time. We have always dealt with it, although it has always been an ever present issue. My husband has been seeing a counselor consistently for 2 years now and followed by a psychiatrist who manages his one daily medication and one PRN med. In April he had a sudden onset of a severe depressive episode,so bad, he had to go out of work for 6 weeks. He started a new med in addition to his daily one and there was a big difference, he was better than ever! Returned to work, truly was dong better than he had in years, that lasted 3 weeks, when anxiety hit out of no where, it has gotten progressively worse over the past 14 days and is now morphed into a full blown depression. They upped the additional med last week, but so far, no change. He is actively seeing both the counselor and the psychiatrist still. The issue is that I have had it....I am absolutely and totally exhausted from this. All I have been asking is that he communicate with me, tell me what he is able to do, let me know how it is going, etc. I don't know how to live with him any longer. I know this is a sickness l but I am basically living the life of a single mom. How am I supposed to go on? We even have help from family, but nothing replaces the marriage relationship of course. I feel bad wanting him to go stay with his parents but I can't handle the stress of not knowing how he will be and what he will or will not be able to do from moment to moment. I mean, what am I expected to do? This has been devastating for me and he not even once acts like I matter. I know he is in over his head with the depression,but am I supposed to just be a single mom and know that at any moment my husband may or may not "show up"? How long will his job allow this anyway? He was only back art work about a month and now he is taking another leave!.? I stay home with the kids, what if he gets fired? Ugh. Just don't know what to do. 

[geoff]

dear Conlainza, there is not an easy answer to your comment, as with depression it makes the person to be cut off from the rest of the family, and vice-versa.

I firstly want to thank you for contacting us and want to welcome you to the site.

There is an enormous concern here and that he seems to be the bread winner, so if he loses his job which could be on the cards it's going to make life very difficult, and before we talk about him, you will need to organise a payment and become his carer if he does lose his job, and go to centrelink and get all the forms, and once you have these forms then your name will be registered so any payment will back dated, in other words any payment will start from the date you register.

At the moment any payment will be given depending on his wage, however if he does get his marching orders then all you have to do is post the forms back to centrelink.

I am only saying this because I can see the writing on the wall and what's going to happen, but when you become a carer then you are entitled for more money.

Unfortunately he is doing what all depressed people do when they are struggling with depression, because we do cut off communication with the ones that we do love, and I know that this isn't what you want, but what happens if they/we talk to the ones we love about our depression, we are normally replied to by you or anyone else in the same position that 'what you are saying isn't true', maybe it isn't, maybe it is, so can I give you an example.

Lets say he tells you that there is nothing that makes him feel happy, and your reply might be 'well you have got us, so I can't understand why you are depressed', so this is a response that he knows himself, and being reminded only makes him more depressed, because he just can't understand why his depression has made him feel this way, but he does, so a disagreement might occur, which only makes his situation worse off, and then yours as well.

So basically he doesn't have any idea why he is depressed because there could be so many different issues, and for one to say' why don't you love us any more', well he does but can't show or express it to you.

Look forward to hearing from you, and please ask as many questions as you like. L Geoff. x

[Gray_D]

Hi Conlainza, Sadly I know exactly how your husband feels as have been there myself although not to the level he is at. My wife has struggled with me and my moods and has said very much the same thing you have said.. 4 beautiful biys, loving wife, good job and roof over our heads. Still was hard to get out of the low self esteem/depression I was in.

After a lengthy period of suffering and speaking to a real close friend (not known to my wife) I started to force myself out of the situation I was in and look at things I used to do that made me happy and feel good about myself.

It wasn't easy at first but slowly got myself into boxing again, started coaching my kids football team and running again. With some guidance I started running and changed my diet at the same time. I cut out all processed food, caffine and alcohol.

In doing this overtime my moods changed for the better, I became addicted to doing these things, I lost weight and felt a real sense of life again.

However whilst at the top of everything, I was in a job I loved and made redundant again and fell back into old habits. I have struggled with this again over the last few months and am only just now getting back on top of it again.

through my boxing/health coach we have looked at some holistic methods (finds fit me better than traditional) and have help start to turn things back around again.

There is no simple quick fix and I fully appreciate the great work our Drs and medical professionals do but have never gone down that path... as yet as have been lucky to find other avenues that work for me.

is there something that your husband used to do that he really enjoyed and has stopped? Is it something that could slowly start doing once again? Is there a sport/hobbie he can do with the kids to get him active? Even going for a walk/ride with them?

Like I said I do feel for you as I have seen 1st hand what my wife has had to endure with me and it cant be easy to have to be the strength of the family when all you are really wanting is someone to hold you up from time to time.

Hope this may help a little bit and would love to know if there is anything that would spark your husbands interest and may slowly help him.

[Conlainza]

Thank you both for your replies. It means a LOT. Actually reading through this forum the other night really help me and I had a big change of heart that God inspired in me. I know it was God because I was ready for him to go. I realized that me shutting him out, judging him and not really supporting him (I think I was in stark denial that we were going to go through this AGAIN and angry and afraid) was making him feel worse and making me feel horrible. I prayed, asked God for help, and did what I knew I needed to do, apologize to him. I apologized to him and he completely broke down in relief. We then went for a hike in the woods (kids were in school!) and talked and talked. It was a good talk. He was able to get in to see his new psychiatrist again that day and they are working on some new meds to help the anxiety and they started CBT, making progress the first session. The therapist was able to give a name to what he does..."catastrophize". He catastrophizes EVERYTHING despite the reality and that feeds his anxiety and depression. He had a great Monday, ate two big meals and was more "normal" than I had seen in weeks. I myself have felt much better. I am learning that this is a "valley" in life. I am blessed to have a heavenly Father who provides lush green pastures and streams in this valley to sustain me. It is not what I want, it is not good, it is not easy, but with his help, and lots of support, I can make it through this one day at a time. Today, my husband went to play tennis with his Dad for two hours. He loves tennis. He walked in and just lost it emotionally. Everything is just so heavy. He saw a family playing with their kids on a nearby playground at the tennis courts and he immediately started to doubt his love for his own children because those parents were hanging out, smiling and talking with their kids (catastrophizing!). I was able to redirect him and he has showered and is now sleeping. He hasn't eaten much today. He is officially out of work now and has 4 weeks left of FMLA. I am determined not to be consumed with worry and fear as that will not change anything. That said, I do want to be prepared. I am in the States and not sure we have anything here that would give me a payment like was mentioned above. One day at a time, right??