Need Help!

[DizzySmith]

My partner and I had our first child at the start of 2014. Looking back on the pregnancy there were a number of tell-tale signs that she was developing anxiety but having not been through a pregnancy before were both thought it was just how she was meant to be feeling. I truly didn’t know something was really wrong until our little girl was about 2 months old and I had gone back to work (FIFO) and came back to my partner completely not coping. We finally got her diagnose with postnatal anxiety and was able to get her help. She was prescribed sleeping tablets and anti-depression medication but after about 8 months of taking the anti depressants she decided that she was better and weened herself off them. 
Our little girl is now nearly two years old and is doing extremely well, but over the past 4-6 months things have started to get dramatically worse with my partner. Our little one went through a stage were her sleeping became completely inconsistent causing massive stress for my partner and she thought that it was never going to get better and stopped seeing the positives in our daughters development. Around the same time my job has become extremely unstable (mining industry) where I haven't once in the
last 6 months been paid on time and with little or no communication added to the mix of not knowing where the future with the company is heading. This has added to her stress levels (and mine) but it has become more obvious to me and her mother who she is extremely close with that she is battling with depression.
On any day she can break down into tears, gets angry over minor details, struggles getting to sleep (even though she is still using sleeping tablets) or waking up. She does have her good days but even when she is feeling good I still feel like any little thing will set her off. On multiple occasions we have suggested that she needs to talk to someone about what is happening but on each occasion she denies that anything is wrong and that it is all to do with my job or our daughter’s behaviour or any other excuse she comes up with at the time.  She has become very good at hiding her emotions with other people, so no one knows what she is going through.
How can I get her to understand that something is not right and talk to someone that may be able to help her? I don’t want to force her to talk to someone but I also want her to get help that she needs. 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Hypatia]

Hey Dizzysmith,

Well done on recognising the issue and trying to tackle it. That time when someone isn't able to admit that there is something wrong is very hard, I think, or when they aren't ready to get help.

Without knowing your wife, I can't say exactly what will work, but here are some ideas that might help:

*Get some information (e.g. printed info from here, or website links), make it available for her to read when you aren't there, and let her know you will leave it up to her. If she is feeling pressured, this might work better than telling her what you think;

*Ask her to complete the Black Dog's online depression/anxiety tests, ("I'm worried, can I ask you to do this for me..".). These are quite good, and getting an assessment done might help her to realise her own symptoms;

*Ask her to talk to her GP about the insomnia, and any other physical symptoms. This might start a conversation about something broader. If she is using over-the-counter sleep meds, this is also probably a very good idea just for her health - they aren't great used long-term;

*Enlist your mother-in-law for babysitting, and take her someone you both enjoy and can talk - a restaurant; a sunset-watching spot; a coffee or dessert spot. Then, ask her how she is. Listen. Let her talk about the problems. Ask her what you and she *can* do to make her feel better, let her know you will support her no matter what and try what she wants. She may not have thought about this, don't force it and don't answer for her. Let her think it through. Let her know you think she needs medical help, but keep it brief.Listening can be much more powerful than talking (you might find out she is scared of being medicated again, or angry about parenting if she doesn't want to); or

*If you are really worried, and you think this wouldn't just push her away, you could bargain with her to go to one counselling session. Particularly if you are worried about your daughter. Offer to swap a week's worth of chores, or a night off from the toddler. I'd be hesitant with this one, but I know people who have used it to get the ball rolling.

Hope this helps. Either way, sending hugs and solidarity! It took six months for my husband to do something about his depression. It sucked. Hang in there!

[geoff]

dear DizzySmith, I'm really sorry how everything is going, but before I say anything can I just extend what Hypatia has said, and please click onto 'Resources' at the top of this page and 'order all the printed material' from BB, it's all free but very informative, it's just that your wife and her mother as well as yourself need to know what to do and how to overcome depression, and this maybe one way for her to decide to get some counselling.

There is a problem in that when people start to feel better they dercide to stop taking their antidepressants (AD), but it's these tablets that are keeping her feeling better, and as soon as they stop, back comes the PND or depression.

It's not wise for people to decide if and when they stop their medication, because it's their doctor who should make this recognition, and you have to remember that once we have depression or PND it still stays in our system, which means that it could flare up again at any time, and unfortunately even when we believe we have overcome depression, just like I feel I have, it is there, and I have had a few relapses.

If her mother also suffers from depression then this is going to have an affect on your wife, especially if she is on the verge of breaking down again, and please I don't mean any harm to your mother in law, but by your wife trying to help her but can't, then this wouldn't be good for your wife.

I'm not saying that she shouldn't be seen, but just trying to explain the circumstances.

When anyone has depression then we tend to hide how we feel, by putting on a brave face and acting as though all is OK, but eventually this will stop and that's why she needs to start her medication and see her doctor.

I hope that all the information from BB will give her some inspiration to get help.

Hope to hear back from you. Geoff.