Long distance partner suffering from major depressive disorder, feeling helpless and unsure of how to help. Advice Please??!!

[curly1991]

Hello,

I'm new here and don't really know where to begin. I have been with my partner for 4 months. My partner suffered from major depressive disorder and was on medication  2 years ago, but stopped taking it due to extreme side effects. Toxic people were removed from his life that put strain and unnecessary stress on him and during that time till 2 weeks ago, he was feeling much better. We met and he was more than open about everything and I understood that at anytime things could take a turn, i just hadnt expected it to happen so soon in our relationship. He is a very needy person, and i know he loves me more than anything in this world. Being in a long-distance relationship is hard at times for us, because of how much we love each other, but we have spent 2.5 months out of the 4 together, the rest we would text throughout the day when work permits, call on his way home, call when he was home, cook dinner together on the phone, watch television, skype and talk before bed. In 4 days he had gone from happy and loving and very much himself, to withdrawn, barely talking to me, and wanting to be left alone. He made and appointment with his doctor wed and he is going back on some form of meds, but at the moment he is very much withdrawn and avoiding me. He would say i was the only one that could relieve the stress, or calm him down and i was happy and proud that i could be that person, because he does the same for me. I'm just struggling a little, i dont know what to say to him, i feel like im tiptoeing on glass, and im so scared ill say something that will push him away. At the same time i feel like he is slowly pulling away anyway. I know it is because of what he is dealing with. He tells me he loves me and misses me daily. I just really don't know how to act, help or what to do. I worry he wiill fall out of love with me. He is still the man i fell inlove with, and his illness does not make me love him any less. And i know the love he feels for me is something he takes pride in, he doesn't love easy and tells me often that i am one of 3 people he truly truly loves. I am just finding it hard adjusting to the distance ontop of the kms we share anyway.I want to support him, help him through this, because i know that the dreams he has for our future is something that he would still want when he has gotten through this, i just don't know how to help him what to say as to not push him away so we both lose what we want for our lives together. 

[geoff]

dear Curly, I'll try again after two attempts as I keep losing my reply.

Welcome to the BB forum and thanks for posting your sad comment.

When living with someone who has depression can be very hard, but when it's a long distance relationship it's even harder, because when you can talk to him it may seem as though he is going OK, but when this ends you don't know how he feels or what he is thinking about, so this obviously worries you, and then the situation becomes involves not only him but you as well.

A person with depression normally decides not to involve their partner, only because they either don't want to share with them, or don't want them to feel the pain that they are going through, so they want to cut out any communication, even though deep down they may love you, but are unable to show it, so this is what is happening with your partner.

It's good that he has removed the toxic people in his life, because if he hadn't then his situation wouldn't improve, and I wonder whether they were the ones that brought on his depression.

There are so many different types of antidepressants (AD) and many of us have had to go through the process of trying many AD before the doctor found the one that suits us, however even when he starts taking them, there could be some side-effects that do begin to happen, but some of these subside as our body gets used to them, but it's something which he needs to be convinced to continue.

I also wonder whether his job is causing his depression, and can I suggest that while he is away is that you understand what depression can do, and this could be done by clicking on 'Resources' at the top of this page and order 'all the printed material' from BB, it's all free, but it explains a great deal of this illness.

The other thing which his doctor could suggest is to see a psychologist, because he won't be able to get better until he can talk to someone, and as I said he may not feel comfortable talking with you, but that doesn't mean he doesn't love you. Geoff. x

[Chris_B]

Hi curly1991, welcome to the forums. We have had quite a few threads from people in long distance relationships experiencing similar issues - you might try reading through some of the threads below and perhaps reaching out to some of these members:

Long distance relationship - boyfriend with depression

Long distance relationship making me depressed - help!

Supporting a boyfriend suffering depression long distance

Trouble coping in long distance relationship

Long distance relationship breakup