my partner suffers from chronic anxiety and depression and we also have a long distance relationship, we are like a yoyo

[carerholdingstrong]

my bf and I have nearly been together for about a yr. we were friends for 4 yrs before we were in a relationship. We live in different states due to work. 4mths of last year was bliss... not one sign of any anxiety and depression. Then the darkness hit. Not only on our relationship... i had family deaths and personal things happen that he couldn't be here for me emotionally or physically.

I have broken up and got back on track then he would push me away again. Ive never left his side. No matter how upset or what a mess we might be in I've never walked away. despite numerous friends and sometime family telling me i should. my love for him has only grown as I know this is not him its the illness. Im trying so much to be the friend rather then the girlfriend, I'm not sure if that right. 

Recently he has taken a step to trying to feel better and is now on meds... he was always against them. I can't explain how proud i was when he told me he was on meds and was feeling good and positive and apologised for shutting me out and was going to make a effort to speak to me. I think i got to over excited, i became bit full on with texting him and wanting to share exciting things... i was so excited to see this man back. 

it lasted a wk. apparently he can't do a relationship so stop waiting, you deserve better, you need to move on, i can't give you what you want. I'm only 98% in a relationship with you i can't give you 100% and without that 100% we can't be together. 

Im at a point were i just don't know what to do anymore. my heart tells me to stay, my head says are you ever going to have a future, and the people around me don't understand it. I feel like I'm breaking, crying is a frequent thing for me when i sit and think of him, i worry about him daily. I carry on everyday like everythings ok and we will get there. when most of the time i feel like he hates me as he pushes me away so much.   

I haven't seen him physically in 6mths.. he won't let me come visit him, he's isolated in location so its not like i can just go on holidays and run into him. I understand that his place is his space and he has to be in the right place to allow that to happen. Its the worst feeling to not see him.

if anyone is in a similar situation I would appreciate any advise. 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome to beyond blue forums

I'm sorry to hear about this situation. You are so trying your hardest to make it work. Sadly the logic is that it is unlikely it will work and sometimes all the effort, commitment and understanding in the world wont make it successful.

So it means you havent done anything wrong at all. He has issues and he is unstable. He might well take a long long time to develop and be educated to know himself well enough to settle with a partner. But it isnt reasonable for you to hang onto hope only.

As hard as it is your only option is to move on. Swallow your pride with family and friends that really only care for you and keep busy as much as you can, hobbies, more working and outings. Sometimes love can only be replaced with love. So be open to approaches from other guys.

Sometimes we have to preserve ourselves. And listen to our head.

Tony WK

[Zoe22]

Hi Carerholding strong,

I've been through a similar situation and it is heart wrenching. I was in a relationship with someone for about two years before he showed any signs of depression. After he moved away from a job we decided to do long distance and he totally withdrew from me. It was the worst feeling ever because I felt so helpless. When we started talking again, he said he was in a "dark place." I thought my support would be helpful because I kept in contact with him after that for two years thinking that he would work through everything. In my case, he didn't want to. Sometimes it's hard to walk away but there is also a fine line between enabling someone. It took me about two years of an off and on relationship for me to figure that out. Right now, I'm starting to love myself again. I never realized how emotionally drained I became from giving support to him whenever he needed it. Somewhere along the way my feelings and emotions got neglected. I hope everything is going well for you! Sometimes though it's best to let someone go. If they come back, they come back. But they need to take positive steps to get the help they need. Because they have to be the ones who want that first. 

[pipsy]

Hi there.  Realize you won't want to hear this, but Tony's right.  All the 'wishing' in the world isn't going to make it happen.  His heart simply isn't in it and possibly never will be.  He needs to get himself to a point where he is comfortable before he can commit to anyone.  Unfortunately, this too may never happen.  Possibly, in time he may accept you as a friend, but I wouldn't wait for that.  At least he's been honest enough to tell you he can't give you what you want.  There's an old saying: if you love something/one, let it/them go, if they come back, they're yours, if they don't, they never were.  I know you're hurting now, but letting it continue will hurt you more, he's realized this, you have to, to.

All the best.