Wife depressed, having trouble coping.

[Bob_Grey]

Hi.

 I've been married for 10 years and have one child. My wife had some anxiety and depression issues but when we had our daughter she went into post natal depression and never quite came back. She's on medication and sees a counsellor on and off.  She's lost interest in sex and never seems like she's ok with life - there's always something to make her unhappy.

I've mostly coped until now but recently I've gotten infatuated with a co-worker. I haven't said anything to anyone - the girl at work may or may not be in a relationship (complicated), no idea if she'd be interested even if she wasn't, and even if she was interested it would mean devastating my wife. If I told my wife that I was attracted to another woman she'd be hurt and she doesn't deserve that. Plus, she'd then be worried about me working with someone I'm attracted to and probably demand I find another job when her work situation is precarious. So keeping my mouth shut for the time being - the girl in question will be leaving next year so that problem should at least fix itself.

At my worst I sometimes wonder if my wife isn't capable of happiness with me then am I better off leaving. But I don't want to hurt her and I really don't want to hurt my daughter. And that's at my worst - I'd prefer everyone to end up happy. Like I said, I've coped so far, just having trouble at the moment.

[scaredmum]

Hi Bob

I too suffered post natal depression 21 years ago and never came back. I have clinical depression and I know too how hard I am to live with. Even though Ive been on Medications all this time and had counsilling Im not happy. Its got nothing to do with my husband or anyone else as he is the most wonderful supportive man who is my rock. But I probably take him for granted which is so unfair. 

Please dont think that your wife is uncapable of being happy with you. Im sure its not you but the illness and she is probaly struggling to get through each day and being strong especially for your daughter. It is a fact that some people with depression lose all interest in sex.  Depression is the most debilitating illness and so hard to understand to someone who hasnt been through it.  Be patient and dont go down the road of looking elsewhere because you feel your wife is no longer interested. Do everything you can to get her out for walks, exercise releases feel good endorphines. take her out to dinner, show her that you are there for her . Remember...its an illness, just like diabetes or cancer.  

I hope things work out and you also have someone to talk to regularly about your worries and concerns ( Not the coworker Lol) Its tough living with mental illness and partners need support too. You are probably your wifes rock and she will rely on you more than you know. 

Take care

[TheSteve]

Bob,

Thanks for sharing mate. Your situation is probably more common than you know, but I admire the detail in which you have described and explained it. That takes courage from a man, and I admire that.

I read ScaredMum's post, and she really nails it. I think her best point is "leave no stone unturned". Your wife can be happy, and the physical and mental/emotional sides of what she is dealing with must both be given attention and treated simultaneously. They are so tightly integrated, and inseparable. I would run a full audit of her current situation - diet, vitamins, medications, exercise, cognitive habits/therapy, lifestyle, attitude etc. Leave nothing to chance. There is a solution somewhere in the mix, and she must absolutely commit and be a part of it. You can carry only so much weight.

These days, in our material, consumerist, expensive, envious world, I sometimes wonder if people have lost the ability to be happy; whether we are being deliberately herded in this direction; or whether we have become so used to a relatively comfortable life that we don't know how to cope when things to sour or when our expectations are not met. There is this, and then there is legitimate physical/emotional disorders; and then there are the areas in which they all intersect. It is a wicked web, and requires patience, dedication, trial & error, and an exhaustive search for a solution. Clarity is key, and the ability to remain calm and patient in the eye of the storm is paramount.

Either way, we are here for you and will offer whatever support you need during this time. Come back and chat with us anytime. All the best to you.

Steve

[Bob_Grey]

Thank you all.

 The thing that's getting me down at the moment is that I feel like I'm a complaints department and not a husband. She was talking about work a couple of days ago, I failed to reply, and then she told me that we don't have conversations anymore. It's because it feels like 90% of what she says is complaining and I've run out of energy to respond to that.

[Bob_Grey]

Sometimes it seems like our time together is a race between me trying to help her out of depression and her dragging me into it and right now she's winning.

 Massively unfair to her I know, just where I'm at right now.

[geoff]

dear Bob, ScaredMum and Steve are right but I know what you are trying to say, because the situation is a catch-22, and I have certainly been through the same with my wife (ex) on many occasions, and even now as we still talk and see each other, nothing has changed, but that's probably unfair because it's only my word and she can't defend herself.

There has been an old saying 'the grass is greener on the other side', true but it leads to dangerous waters and is only a temporary fix.

This situation is where you seem to be driven into her depression but that's what this illness can do and does do most of the time, which means that communication between the both of you falls away and becomes non-existent, so if an important topic need to be discussed it doesn't happen, or if it does then an argument could take place.

When any spouse or partner becomes depressed their opposite also becomes depressed, maybe not as bad, but it affects their enjoyment they once had in life.

You are going to find it very difficult to help her out of depression, while normally this could be possible, but as you are beginning to suffer yourself and find it hard to talk to her, then it will difficult to do so, because 'you fail to reply back to her', and please I'm not blaming you, but just stating the fact that I can't see it happening.

So what I am trying to say is that you need to see your doctor, because you're not happy and you could be suffering from depression yourself, as I'm not qualified to diagnose you, and that's why you need assistance to get your strength back, which you could have had when she first suffered from PND but slowly it's now dragging you down to the point that you want to have an affair with someone who is exciting.

Depression or PND in your case stops anybody from being happy, but it doesn't stop them achieving their happiness once again. Geoff.

[Bob_Grey]

Booked in to see GP. Thanks

[TheSteve]

Good stuff Bob, keep us in the loop.

[Cherpieus]

Hi Bob Grey,

It is extremely difficult to see your wife go in this Depression. My husband sees and experiences the same things no doubt. 

I can totally relate about being attracted to someone else who seems a lot 'easier'.  I went down this road in my previous marriage and oh boy do I regret it. I've set up boundaries for myself now in my current marriage that I don't make friends with the opposite sex. Even my husbands friends I stay well clear of, I don't give out my mobile or have theirs.  I miss romance and friendship with men but I know that I cannot trust myself as I'm way to vulnerable.

My husband has friends who are woman both at work and on online and it messes with my head a lot. I have to work extremely hard to control my emotions and insecurities about it. 

Have you guys been to see a counsellor? I'm not saying this fixes everything but it can provide a 'safe' place for you both to have a discussion about how you're feeling.

Cherpieus

[awolf]

I totally agree with your "capable of happiness" phrase. I used to make my husband SO happy and now, nothing. I feel like maybe he would be happier w someone else or even alone? And as for the coworker situation, that is hard. If you are having those feelings maybe you just need to move on and find your own happiness. All i know is you should never regret passing up an opportunity!