Need help finding assistance for my US-based friend and convincing them to seek help

[cyphix333]

Hi guys,

I have a friend that is based in the US (Los Angeles) and I generally talk to him most days over online messenger and I need some help in helping him - I originally wrote a big post explaining it all but ran out of space with the 2500 character max, so am just summarising it.

I myself have suffered depression in the past and also anxiety; I have been seeing a psychologist for my anxiety for over 2 years now and it's honestly one of the best things I have done, so I am able to use a lot of what I have been taught to try and help him.

The problem is, he is very stubborn, and he is a extremely negative person (right now anyway); I try and get it through to him that the way he feels about things now isn't really how he feels about things, it's his mindset that is affecting his thoughts. Such as when he says "he doesn't care anymore", don't listen to that, that's now how you really feel.

He's basically told me several times that when his money runs out that he will "off himself" and a few weeks ago even detailed how he would do it.

So the point of this post is I am trying to get him some mental health help in the US, he said he would see a psychologist, but only when he could afford it - I told him if he thinks his money is going to run out anyway then what's it going to hurt using some on something that will be positive for your health and if you start getting a better mindset then it will most definitely help you in all other aspects of your life.

He still kept his inaction attitude about it all, to the point that I even offered to pay for his first session - his response was basically saying that "lol what's one session going to do, that's not going to fix me, a years not going to fix me etc" . I told him it's about taking the first step and included a good quote:

"Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life".

But he was still hesitant and was basically ignoring what I was saying.

I kept at him telling him to check into the gap of how much it would cost him over there and that there must be some type of cheap of free mental health that can help him, but as far as I know he never looked into it.

So, the point of this post was to ask if anyone here knows anything about this in the US or where I can ask? I have tried to find the info myself without much luck, he doesn't seem to want to research the info, so if I gave it upfront to him then he would have it right there.

Thanks very much!

[Sophie_M]

Welcome to the forums, cyphix333

We're so grateful that you have reached out to our community tonight, we know that it is not an easy thing to do and you have shown a lot of strength in sharing your story. We're really sorry to hear what your friend is going through at the moment, but they sound very lucky to have a caring friend like yourself. It sounds like you've given some great support already, which is really wonderful. If you feel up to it, we'd really recommend getting in touch with our Support Service which is available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or you can visit on our website www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport for online chat. One of our friendly counsellors will be able to give you some information and advice to help you, help your friend. 

You might also find some helpful advice on our page "Worried about someone suicidal" https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/suicide-prevention/worried-about-someone-suicidal

We hope that you keep checking back in with us to let us know how you are going, whenever you feel up to it.

[Just Sara]

Hi and welcome cyphix;

It's hard feeling so helpless when a friend's in need and reaching out to them seems fruitless. Be sure though it's getting in ok. You've planted a seed and one day, hopefully soon, he'll have an ah-ha moment and the penny's going to drop.

My suggestion is; you both join an internationally inclusive MH forum in the UK. It has members from the US, Europe, Oz and NZ who post often. They have 'real time' posts without having to wait for moderated responses and a private chat function as well.

Link: https://www.mentalhealthforum.net/forum/

If he's up to talking in that space, where others are posting their woes and exploring treatments/med's/comparing experiences, it could provide another avenue of support. He may not warm to it, but if he does, there's somewhere to go when you're not available; time differences can be a bugger.

You're a good friend! Try not to worry too much ok. Negativity is a symptom of helplessness and a hopeless outlook. The first step, as you say, is the hardest. Supporting him to join in with others who're suffering might just be what he needs.

I hope you're looking after your own needs as worrying over your friend could get out of hand. Stepping back and learning to detach is a positive practice for caring people.

Best of luck;

Sez

[ecomama]

Hi syphix

You are not alone in your struggle to support others overseas who are going through this. I want to extend any comfort I can to you but don't think I have any suggestions, all I can do is let you are not alone.

I had to reduce contact to support my own MH and that of those around me here. The toll it was taking was too much.

I also felt that anything I suggested was met with strong opposition and a load of excuses. For example 'schedule a walk every day' kind of idea. Firstly it was too cold for a walk. Then it was I don't have time... even though persons were working from home. Then it was I don't want to walk alone. Even with an offer from a neighbour to walk daily it was 'I don't want to walk without you'.

With a break from the talking a lot, I see the refusals similar to an alcoholic who doesn't want help.

I realised then, it was totally up to them.

I understand the U.S. quite well and what is offered is nothing compared to us here. I just can't throw my entire MH recovery away and drown trying to 'save' others without the qualifications to do so too. This seems to be a very cold response and it is quite counter-intuitive on many levels.

But I maintained some contact mostly via text and surprisingly there appears to be a small shift.

The sad thing that we see looking from the outside in, is that counter to what leaders are saying there, it is a dire situation in the U.S. and covid may be rife there for a long time, like rabies. So supporting someone there may be a very long haul, especially adding covid on top.

You are a wonderful person supporting someone else overseas in this time. I Pray that all things greatly improve for our friends.

EM

[White_Rose]

Dear Cyphix333 with a wave to Sez and EM

I glad you found your way to this forum. We can offer you support and some suggestions drawn from our experiences. Both Sez and EM have done this. I wonder if it would be helpful to contact the American Embassy in Australia and ask their advice about psychiatric services etc. A bit of a long shot perhaps but they should know these things.

Both posters above and Sophie have emphasised the need to look after your own mental health. This is important if only because you cannot help anyone if you have collapsed. But it's more than that. Your life journey is just that, yours. Having it hijacked, so to speak, is harming you and putting you in jeopardy. So please look after yourself. There comes a time when you must walk away, no doubt very reluctantly and sadly.

One of the hardest things to accept is that the person you care about will not help themselves. I know from my own experience how hard it is to make that first step. It's also quite scary to feel you are putting yourself in someone's hands. Then of course there are community attitudes. So yes, I know how scary the whole thing can get.

I suggest you continue to offer support as you have been doing but try to get him to set some goals. E.g. contact a mental health professional in two weeks. I like Sez's forum idea. Reading how others have coped can be an eye opener especially when someone starts to become well again. This is one of the strengths of forums such as beyondblue. No one preaches but simply talks honestly about their experiences allowing others to take what they need and hopefully to us the information.

Keep writing in here for support. Other people may join and give their thoughts.

Mary

[cyphix333]

Thank you all for your posts and support 🙂

Many of you mention to make sure to take care of my own MH during this, and this is actually something my own therapist touched on, that supporting him is important, but you always always have to look after yourself as well as I did mention that at certain times it was becoming a big drain on me - so, I have heeded that advice and at times have needed to pull myself back.

My friend is actually on a self-imposed "hiatus" from messenger at the moment; I noticed he had been offline for awhile and I was starting to get worried, so I emailed him and I got a response back that he is staying offline due to his "debbie downer sh*t attitude" and that he "doesn't have anything positive to say" and that he"really doesn't want to bring people down or vent" and that he's "glad others are having positive attitudes and all that. It's just not him right now."

So I was going to reply that I understand, but that I am still there for him if he wants to talk, maybe also say we can still chat about anything, doesn't have to be serious, can chat about tv shows or what not and I was thinking of throwing in some info on where he can get help - hence my questions here. 🙂

Thanks again!