My partner has depression and I'm new to it all

[Gidget]

Hey, I'm only new here and new to depression. I have been dating my partner for 4 months now and just found out he has depression. We have a long distance relationship, which also makes things a little bit more stressful.

I have done a lot of research about depression and have read through some of the threads, but being new to this I find that I'm struggling with communicating with my partner and I feel like I have nothing to offer in the way of help and support. He tells me he has been through this before but he can't seem to fix it this time, I have asked him about getting some help but he doesn't want it and i certainly can't force him to. I was wondering if anyone has any pointers?

I also struggle to respond when he says things about hating himself or that he's not worth it or he's just trying to stay alive. I'm not sure what approach to take without making the situation worse or making him feel worse about himself. i was wondering how I should be responding? I'm trying to be positive and stay positive but it gets hard.

Any help would be extremely appreciated!

[blondguy]

Hi Gidget

Welcome to the forums and good on you for posting

From what you have said in your post and if your partner has been diagnosed with depression I have some tips that may be of help for you.

* Regular counseling is a must with depression. Even weekly is a great road to some recovery

* If the GP recommends meds, they are also a huge help as they provide a person with a solid platform on which they can heal more effectively with counseling

* Depression is the same as a serious physical illness. It requires ongoing treatment to enable some peace

If a person talks about hating themselves or that they are worthless it can make your life difficult too. This is one reason he should be making the effort to see his GP to get a mental health plan. These comments should be directed at a doctor/counselor not you.

His comments are an indicator that he should make that appointment with his GP asap.

It is draining to be with someone with depression and please make sure your own health is always number 1

Ive had depression for 21 years and was knocking my GP's door down for help. Your partner has everything to gain and nothing to lose by doing so Gidget. Has he been diagnosed with depression?

Brief caring responses to those comments are okay but I would redirect him away from these topics for your health & well being and the health of the relationship

Please let us know how you go. Great to have you on the forums 🙂

my kind thoughts

Paul

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Gidget,

Welcome to the forums! Thanks for your post.

I myself have been through depression and have had a partner with depression so I can relate from both ends of the stick. Being in a LDR (long distance relationship) can make things extremely difficult, as you miss out on that company, contact and closeness.

You said that you were struggling with communication; can you tell us more about that?

How are you guys communicating now; is it on the phone? via skype? text? email?

It is hard to know what to say when people say things like that - like I'm not worth it - but often what comes naturally to you can be the best thing. Acknowledging what he's saying is important so that he feels like he's being heard. No matter how many times he says it it's vital you switch it back to remind him of the truth;- you are worth it, you are enough, you are loved. To you it may sound a little repetitive, but to him my best guess is that he needs to hear those things.

Do you know what he's support network is like? Does he have friends, family or a therapist? If he has a diagnosis of depression maybe he's had a GP that he's talked to in the past. You said in your post that he doesn't want help - do you know what the reason is behind that? It's true that we can't force people to get help but it can help trying to tackle some of those underlying reasons like maybe he's afraid because he doesn't know what they'll say, or the thought of breaking down in some therapist's room. The more that you can talk about some of those barriers the more chance you have of him getting the help that he needs.

and finally - even though I've discussed your partner at the end of the day this is about you. You are important and you matter. Having a partner that is struggling with depression can be draining and exhausting; and it can often feel one-sided. Being able to acknowledge how you're feeling whether that's anger, frustration, sadness, loneliness - it's important. Self-care is important. Seek our ways that help you to feel good about yourself and feel more positive; whether that's hanging out with friends, a spa day, movies, shopping - whatever's fun.

[JessF]

Hello Gidget, welcome here. I'm going to take a different tack here and ask about you and the impact this is having on your wellbeing. It's often overlooked the impact that depression has on the people closest to the person affected.

It sounds like you're having difficulty finding the right words to say at the right time, and I imagine this is made more difficult by the distance. Is this likely to be a permanent arrangement? Are you planning to be living in the same place in the near future?

The reason I ask is that often the best way to support someone with depression is simply being there for them, and trying to keep things as normal as possible. With a long distance relationship this is difficult. You can't just say, right, get your coat we're going out for a walk, or we're going to visit some friends or go to the football or a movie. How have you been spending time together over the last four months?

[Gidget]

Hi Paul,

thank you so much for replying, you have definitely given some much needed advice.

He has been diagnosed with depression. He has seen a gp initially and found that the action plan he was given didn't really work for him, so he is quite reluctant to go back.

[Gidget]

Hi Romantic theif,

At the moment our main form of cummincation is via text; we do normally call and chat to each other when we can but that as stopped. i mainly struggle with knowing what to say to him, but you have given some excellent advice which I will really take on board.

he doesn't have much of a support network where he is, he has moved away from family and friends for work purposes and now lives 4 hours away from everyone. and I know he is definitely struggling with this, he has made a few comments about knowing who his real friends are because know one has made the effort to keep up the friendship.

He has seen a psychologist previously and had on going sessions. He did also see a gp but he said the action plan they gave him didn't really work so he doesn't see the point in going back. I think because he has done this before he feels he should be able to cope on his own without the help, which I know is not true.

I do try and talk to him about it but he doesn't want to, he just brushes it off because one says it makes him feel worse.

At the moment it definitely does feel one sided but I'm being very understanding. I do train at the gym, and I already feel much better after posting in the forum and getting some help! This ha definitely made a huge difference.

[Gidget]

Hi JessF

At first I didn't quite understand the severity of the situation, but I also didn't know it was depression, he didn't actually tell me about it until quite recently. I did struggle a lot and feel quite useless in the fact that I couldn't help and he was being quite negative towards me. So I was feeling quite down and out about our relationship and the whole situation. Now that he has opened up a little bit more and I know more about it I'm doing okay. I'm just trying to take a proactive approach and find out as much as I can.

I'm finding it really hard to say the right words, especially over text as words can easily be missinterpreted. The plan is I will eventually move down with him but that won't be for a few months possibly the year, we try and see each other every weekend but we have missed a few due to my work commitments. I was unable to go and see him last weekend and I know this is when he really needed someone. It is hard, because I just want to be there for him and because I'm no I feel like I'm letting him down a littl bit.

[JessF]

Hello Gidget, it's good to hear you are handling things ok after a period of time in the wilderness, as it were. It sounds like you are doing the best you can in this situation, but still feel like it's not enough.

I think this is natural, any time a loved one is sick, we care for them and can't help but feel that we're not doing enough, because we just want to make it all better straightaway. You've probably read enough now to know that this doesn't have with depression, so much work has to be done on the part of the person suffering through it; the more you try and direct that treatment the more we are liable to push back at you.

I would try and keep the communication as open as possible. Don't be afraid to say to him that this is totally new to you, that you are always there for support, and that sometimes that may mean you do or say the wrong thing.. but that you will be working through things together. Framing things in terms of 'what do you need' rather than trying to anticipate those needs will serve both of you better, it keeps dialogue open and it ensures that he is taking responsibility for his own wellbeing.

One final thing - depression can be all-consuming. It will be fighting for its share of attention all the time when he is unwell. Don't let the depression become your relationship. Be future-focussed when talking about your upcoming weekends together, have things to do together and try not to see everything through the lens of depression.

[blondguy]

Hi Gidget, and thankyou for replying to everyone too!

Interesting that he had a mental health plan and it didnt "really work out for him" and was reluctant to go back

For your partner to heal requires a solid commitment....patience and a strong desire to start recovery. Its hard work absolutely but crucial to begin the recovery process.]

JessF really said everything....."depression can be all-consuming. It will be fighting for its share of
attention all the time when he is unwell. Don't let the depression become your relationship
Be future-focussed when talking about your upcoming weekends together"

I hope you can get back and let us know how you are going Gidget 🙂

Great to have you on the forums

My Best

Paul

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Gidget,

Thanks for your post.

I'm really glad that some of the advice has been helpful! That's really good for me to know, so thank you.

You mentioned that you previously used to call and chat but now your main communication is text; is that because he's no longer comfortable with phone calls? The reason why I'm bringing this up is that it's very easy for texts to be misinterpreted and for someone with depression it would be very easy to turn a short message like "sorry, bit busy" into "she's too busy for me". Of course this can happen at anytime but it's much easier to pick up on that response when it's phone or skype.

I think if you can find time to see him that would be really helpful; so then you can be there but also try and push a little more into getting help. Out of all the reasons to not want to see a psychologist having a previously bad experience I think is by far the worst one - because it lets people down. Psychologists are like Doctors - no two are the same. I've seen many and they are all so different from one another.

He's said that they make him feel worse and that he can cope on his own; to that I say 'how'? and is what he's doing now coping? We don't want him to just survive, we want him to thrive. I'm not sure how comfortable you'd be having these conversations but trying to challenge some of those beliefs might be helpful.

Finally, I wonder if he'd be more comfortable trying to come on here? Obviously it's not seeing a psychologist, but it could be a first step. I've talked to a lot of people in his situation who have been let down by others or who are feeling isolated so having that peer support can be really helpful.

I'm also really glad to hear that you've been training at the gym! I bet that would be a great way to help relieve some of that stress. I'm also really happy that the forums have been helpful for you! There's lots of other carers/supporting partners here so it can be helpful to have a read through or even chat with them.