Is there a line?

[Sufi]

My first post here and I reach out in hope.

My partner of nearly 2 years comes from an upbringing of physical and emotional abuse yet yearns for their love. (I never appreciated my own family until this past 2 years. How so integral is the love that a parent should give their child. So so sad.) He has tried to cope with this by alcohol and substance 'abuse' which only leads to scary scary anger and heightened emotional states. Threats of suicide..so many hurtful words and actions...lies...lies...unemployment...disconnection; depression and anxiety. 

His mother placed an AVO on him in Feb; police charged him with Intimidation which he is on a good behavior bond for; he drove my new car high range DUI in April. Crashed it several times over what must have been a petrifying 15mins for him. He has seen a Psychologist 8 times since. Finally has a referral for a Psychiatrist but has had no sense of urgency to get this. The cynical part of me says if he didn't need it for court he wouldn't even have got this far with the referral. He still drinks; particularly when he thinks he can get away with it.

This is a whole new experience for me. I thought I could help him. I thought I was strong enough. If I showed him how amazingly wonderful life could be he would join me. Our spirits would soar together.

After another verbal abuse and manipulative episode on Friday I told myself that was it. No more. But, how can I let a human being who suffers from mental illness fall. He has no-one else. He has no-where else to go. It so goes against everything I value. Yet...my work, my health, my own outlook on life is so much less.

 Where do you draw the line?

[geoff]

dear Sufi, hello and things are not going well, so thanks for coming to this site, and we will do whatever we can to help you, which some of our replies back to you may you accept or some you feel that it is impossible.

You seem to be a loving partner and I say this because you were more worried about him instead of your car after the accident, and whether this is an issue is not really what you have come to us for, I maybe wrong.

It is amazing how when you are in another situation you can change your previous thoughts when you couldn't cope with before, but that is really something which is appreciated, in that circumstances can actually change.

I do understand that you don't want to leave him, because of the state he is in, however there does become a point in time when we can't help someone else, as much as we try and love them, only because they don't give a damn about anyone else, and only what suits them.

For him seeing any psychologist/psychiatrist would be a waste of time at the moment, because he doesn't want help, he's not ready to be advised what to do, just as any suggestions that are made to him, will go in one ear and out the other, and maybe he might have been told by the court to get counselling, and if so he is going through the motions.

Can I say that you have now lost your vehicle in a crash, on the pretence that he was sober and drug free, but can I say that this was untrue, and if so then he is not being honest with you, which brings me to where do you have your purse and/or credit card.

I'm so sorry but it's your post that you sent in, but I would thoroughly suggest that you move away from him and have no contact, and I say this because you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves, and please I have been through and known many people in your same situation.

If you do decide to leave him, he will always try and contact you saying that he has changed, not drinking and no more drugs and can he borrow $50 to pay for his electricity bill, please never believe this, it's just a con, no matter how much he begs you, it's rubbish, and what ever he threats to do to himself, it's a con, please never believe a word he says, and please believe me.

You have to go, he is holding your life back, so you won't be able to progress in your future, your too good for him. L Geoff. x

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Sufi,

Thanks for reaching out to BB and I am so sorry for everything that you are going through.

I do believe that there is a line in the relationship where you have to say "no more" but I think that only you are that person who can draw the line.

It concerns me a lot that your partner is being abusive.  I agree that he is in a very uncomfortable situation but I also believe that you need to put yourself and your safety first.  Do you feel unsafe when you are with him?  Does he make you feel uncomfortable?

I think that we can't force people to change and we can only change ourselves.  It's bothers me that he hasn't followed up with the psychiatrist and the constant drinking "when he can get away with it" shows me that he's not ready to change yet. Unfortunately when people aren't ready to change there isn't a lot that we can do to show them a better life or a better path to go down. They need to want to get better.

I'd really encourage you at the least to contact a support service so that you do feel safe regardless of whether you decide to stay with him or leave him.  Even if you can have a chat to a counsellor every couple of weeks just to check in, I personally draw the line with my partner at verbal and physical abuse so each person is different.  

Take care.

[White_Rose]

Dear Sufi

Welcome. so pleased you have been able to write in here for support.

I have to agree with the other two posts. It is an old story about the wife who tries to help and gets seriously hurt for her trouble. You are not the first person in this situation and unfortunately will not be the last.

Whether or not you leave is, of course, up to you. There are organisations that can help you but you need to make up your mind first. Look up your state's Women's Legal Service for information and advice. Phone the BB helpline 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 for information on organisations that can help you. Discuss your situation with them.

The bottom line is that you can only help those who wants to be helped. It's hard, it's sad, it's frustrating and most of all it's painful to walk away. There is always that lingering doubt that you may have been able to help. So talk to the professionals, those that deal with domestic violence daily. Because this is what you are putting up with. There are Domestic Violence organisations in all states.

Please write in and keep in touch.

Mary