Troubles with unwell husband, my father says put up or shut up

[Iamme]

HI..my hubby who they say has metal issues.and has had issues with his mother..so intimacy is a big issue in our relationship...he instantly reacts to things i say and do....and my father says put up shut up. or leave...it's only moments  that he is the way he is...but with no intimacy for over 15 years none even on our wedding day....and with every excuse that is made....what am I to do...

I even say to him that a hug that lasts over 2 minutes it is therapeutic...he dismisses it and walks away from me wining under his breath...leavening me to feel...like I don't know what...he reminds me of a spoilt child who got away with what he wanted until he was confronted with his mother.....who was abusive...so obviously he fights back...and I am sick of him trying to start fights over nothing...

I continue to be numb....shut up and put up....so exhausted. to top this off...I put this post on yesterday. this morning He wanted me to give him some paper work, which I was having trouble dealing with, I said to him I would have it finished later today, which seamed not good enough so he stood up to me and argued i kept my cool, Told him not to excert his power over me... he had a melt down cried told me to not come near him he was so close to hitting me.

I kept cool. he dealt with it his way by walking it off after a cold shower and crying....I did bring up to him that the forms I had to fill out were hard for me and I was dealing with past issues. which he got so upset with as the past has been hard. but it seamed like a long time coming as the tension around the house has been uneasy,

he did quit his job 3 weeks ago over similar issues, he had trouble with a female boss, who did the same sort of thing he had to make some decisions as she was away for the week and when she came back was not happy and he said she was putting him down so he couldn't take it anymore and quit, he was surprised that I understood how he felt, and has been dealing with it.

but this morning he was so angry he broke his laptop and broke the reclining bin...I kept away from him and let him deal with himself, as I don;t think I can do anything when he does this but be there and be me in the best way I can ....for our family...my son who is 19 understands but he said I would not act that way mum  I feel like it but i am a coward to go that far. now I am at work they seam fine and are doing things together today..

[white knight]

Hi Lamme, welcome

I've been in this situation sort of. I havent been angry enough to break things though. But I have been in the situation of being desperate, crying in a foetal ball in the corner of a room feeling that there is no support, no hope and no future. And my then first wife, well her attitude was no where near as loving as yours. Loving enough to talk here and still be with your hubby that is obvious he needs help.

A suggestion. And this might not work. Each time he falls into sadness and crying, sit nearby. Say nothing. Eventually he'll ask you what you are doing. "I'm here for you and when you are well enough to chat we'll chat over a cuppa....because I love you". For whatever reason he likely feels you dont love him.

As for his dominance of you that is inground and hard to change. He has little patience, wants things done there and then, doesnt seem to respect your timeframes or desires, doesnt respect you as an individual. You have an uphill battle. Sometimes these situations only progress with separation, but other times separation could mean a spiral downhill. In the end we become individuals more than a couple because we end up going into survival mode.

Ok, what do you do? We repeat here a lot "you can lead a horse to water but cant make him drink". So you should IMO attend your doctor then counselling to ensure you keep strong and focussed on your own health and well being. Invite him along. If he asks you why you are attending the doctors or therapy tell him "I'm going to learn ways of how to love you more by understanding you and you are welcome to come along".

Eventually if he doesn not contribute towards that ideal then you cant do anything. No point in yelling back or begging for him to face up to his own responsibilities of the marriage.

You would have done your best. Take it from there.

Take care Tony WK

[Iamme]

Hi...Thanks for your comment....I thought I would reply back as my hubby came to see me at work.today..explained he has seen lifeline his doctor and his mentor.. they could all see this coming...he is sorry for it...and knows he said to keep away from him...and thanked me for not aggravating his situation. and being there for him...even though I could do nothing..I guess my numbness helped I could feel something in the air... but knowing what we went through a long time ago...I didn't want to go back to that..I did fight back verbally years ago....I know he is genuine...and we both know we can be very strong.willed.. he has a good support system around him...when we first had troubles he would have never accepted help. it took a brake down 5 years ago to get that help.as he always compared himself to his mother and she went into a mental hospital...our son and him had a good day today....I am so glad that i did stand up for myself in a loving way not an aggressive way. It's going to cost him the last of his money $170 to fix his lap top...but he has enough to keep himself busy and potential to earn his own living with his work...but at a slower better pace than he has been doing...one day at a time...I am glad there are places like this to talk it over...last time I was at my wits end...

[white knight]

Hi Lamme

Well thats something isnt it.

We all seek the ideal from our partner yet throughout our time we have those ups and downs. Sometimes a final downer comes and all is gone. But there are times when we bounce back and learn not to venture into the same waters.

Good luck. post again anytime

Tony WK

[Iamme]

Hello Again My White Knights

I have just come back and re read my posts and yours again. the only thing I haven't done is speak to someone about all this in person, but I feel that I will be still in the same boat and just going over everything again and again coming up with the put up or leave, I took on board your suggestion to be there in a support way I rubbed his shoulders after he went through a lecture with my son, on the same problem that hubby can't deal with so he is being hypocritical and I am sure that confuses himself as it ends up giving him a head ache I walk away as he says things as he states I do something to interfere, the feeling of help for our son is strong, so now I speak to him after hubby has spoken, as son knows hubby has issues and mental problems that are hard for him, he is not angry with you he is angry with himself and we need to be observant of that. I have tried to be there and say nothing and he has responded in the way you said, understanding. But it is hard.

I now have issues with bills and things that involve both hubby and me, but he has proved to me he does not want to deal with them. and puts them off and gets angry when I try to discuss, gives him huge headaches of course after he has had his attack of outrage, which puts me in an awful state of what do I do, I can do this but that would send him in a spiral. I can do that but I am scared to.

cheers

[white knight]

Hi again Lamme,

This is a difficult situation. Do I think, based on the information provide, that you'll be a happily married woman sometime in the future? mmm that's not for me to say. That decision is yours not mine. - totally. Am I concerned for your well being in terms of your happiness- absolutely.

I've known a lady similar situation as you. Her husband of 20 years verbally abused her for that time. He had rheumatoid artritis and couldn't work. She cared for him and had a small business at home. Also she had no sex life at all for 15 of those years. In the end she left shattered. What was worse is that he admitted he only wanted a "nurse" in the first place. That woman ended up being my second  wife. Furthermore I was the guy that introduced them in the 1980's. He was my then brother in law and I was best man at the wedding. So I know her case very well.

Based on the similarities you need to make a decision. Also you have a child involved. Even more reason you make that decision decisively, calmly, compassionately and do everything you can to make the split harmoniously if that's the way you will go. This will limit the guilt involved and any possible safety issues.

Family and friends should butt out, but they wont. So you'll need to be firm but fair, honest but limit the information you give them. If they ask "how is he"? then "you can ring him and ask him" might be your reply. Not take on pressure from others that should know you are under stress as it is.

If you decide to go your own way, try to negotiate. But he'll likely remain the stubborn non negotiating type he has proven to be all along. but again, you are giving him chances to contribute. He should be told that his behaviour is not acceptable. Breaking items is childish and its purpose is to make you afraid. If it wasn't, he'd break them not in your presence???

You like everyone deserves a calm, loving life without shackles. You also have rights. You are not in this world to live up to his expectations nor take on all the responsibilities. You are in the marriage to work together and care and support each other not be abused. But he also has obligations of responsibility. He is responsible to maintain an income like you, to provide a loving home for your son, to bring laughter and comfort. We all can understand his inability to do all these things IF he attended to these issues via getting help and the right medical care.

But he wont.

Tony WK

[White_Rose]

Dear Lamme

Welcome to Beyond Blue. I see my friend Tony has been helping you. I agree with all he has written. Now is the time to take care of yourself. Hubby has used you all through your marriage to absolve himself from his responsibilities. In the end, no matter how much you care for someone, your health and well-being come first.

I talk over many things with my GP, including how I find it difficult to know when someone is acting badly towards me. She either tells me straight out or uses the analogy of what would 100 people do or think. Now I'm not suggesting you do what other people do just because they do it. It's not always appropriate for one thing. But it gives you a standard of what is acceptable behaviour. And in my opinion your hubby does not display acceptable behaviour towards you.

Having a chat to your GP can help you sort out these sorts of problems. It isn't just about him and what upsets him. It's about you and the quality of your life. Feeling numb is not acceptable and continuing to care for someone who has pushed you into this situation through selfishness. I eventually left my husband because of his emotional abuse and I consider that the treatment you receive is abuse.

Your son is 19 and old enough to understand what is going on. In fact I understand you have discussed this. What about the effect all this has on your son and more especially, on his potential future marriage? Your GP can refer you to a counsellor/psychologist who can talk with you about all this. It's not just going over the same old same old. It's looking at ways of coping that will help you and your husband. It's perhaps exploring ways of leaving if necessary. There is more to life than putting up with bad treatment and selfishness.

You are a courageous lady which has been shown by the way you have cared for your family at great cost to yourself. Now you really need to think about your needs and how best to achieve them. I expect I sound hard or unfeeling, or both, but I do care and this why I urge to have a chat with your doctor as the first port of call.

Love to hear from you.

Mary