Caring for my long distance boyfriend who is depressed

[Elbelshel]

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about a year. He lives in the USA, and I live in Sydney, so in all the time we have been together we have only had about eight weeks of physical time together (we met on the last two weeks of my university exchange). He is depressed and I am really struggling to know how to care for him with all this distance between us.

He swings between being very idealistic and optimistic to being incredibly hopeless and depressed.

He called me today. He was drunk (he normally never drinks). He told me he had been thinking about his life and feeling like he would never amount to anything and never achieve any of his goals. He told me that he felt like he couldn't feel any pain.

Obviously this was pretty distressing to hear, especially because I am so far away. When I have been caring for my friends and family as they go through various stages of depression I have always been able to support them by being a physical presence, so that even if they didn't want to talk then I would be there.

I don't know how to care for my boyfriend. He just cried and cried and every time I would start to speak he would get agitated or just go silent until he told me he needed to be alone and hung up. He is normally not like this at all. He is not an inconsiderate or cruel person. No one has ever made me feel more cared for and valued than he has. I spent the whole day so stressed and worried that I felt sick. He has stood by me through so much, in particular in helping me through PTSD after being raped, so its not like this is our first big issue to work through or anything. I want to be able to care for him so badly.

He sent me a message before he went to bed (responding to the ones I had left him after the phone call) saying that he knows I am trying to care for him, but he just feels very exasperated and like he is a robot, and everyone else is a robot too. He said that human contact is just exhausting him and he wants to be alone.

We were in a bit of a rough spot before this last downwards swing and he said he wants me to give up on him and put myself first, that he doesn't want to hold me back, and that I can't love him the way he needs to be loved. This all hurts so much.

Has anyone been in a similar situation (in either my position or his)? Does anyone have any tips for how to care for someone going through this when you can't be physically there for them? 

[White_Rose]

Dear Elbelshel

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forum. I hope we can give you support and help.

I do not have any personal experience of your situation so I'm really guessing about what to say. I noticed that you replied to Belle11 about her post on a similar event. It may be useful for you two to continue talking to each other and offer mutual support. Also, if you come up with any strategies you can share them.

It is a common theme for people who have depression to believe they are not good enough for their partners and will often tell them to go away for their own good. They genuinely believe this is the best thing but when you are depressed you cannot always see things clearly.

I understand about being with someone whether or not you are talking. A physical body in the same room is very comforting. By the same token, we do often want space to ourselves. I have just had some surgery and came home to walk into a rehash of the situation that started my depression. Not that it was at home but you get what I mean.

This was so upsetting and unexpected that I just fell apart. My lovely friends and family wanted talk to me etc and in the end I felt so smothered that I asked them all to back off and that I would call them if I needed anything. I hastily add I put more more nicely than that. And this has been the situation for the past week. It is great. I have no pressure to 'talk about my issues', no long phone conversations that just exhaust me, and best of all no revisiting the past. I find it fantastic.

I also know I will need to get back into the real world. My daughters of course take no notice of me not wanting to talk and lob up with their children anyway. But they are happy to sit and I can chat to the children which I find restful and enjoyable, so that is a different scenario.

I suppose what I am suggesting is that you email him and say you are happy to give him some space but you will be back in say two weeks. However, if he wants to contact you before then you will be really happy. Or words to that effect.

This is treating him with respect and not overwhelming him but making it clear that you are not abandoning him.

Now how useful these comments are for you I don't know. I know it will not be easy to wait for him  and maybe you feel this is not the way to go. In any event I hope you will get back to me.

Mary

[sroy]

Hi Elbelshel,
My friend sent me a link to your post because I too am going through a similar thing. I have been dating my BF for about 11 months and I returned to Australia about a month ago (we're long distance). We both had a plan that I was going to come back in a couple of months to visit him and his family over Christmas, and me being an over planner was getting excited about buying a plane ticket and wanted to talk dates with him but he just brushed it off. I noticed he wasn't communicating as much as he normally does which sent me in a bit of a panic that he was going to break up with me. Turns out he says he's feeling 'down' and he can't understand why I would want to come over and be with him because I would be much happier if I stayed in Australia and got on with my life without him.

So right now I am dealing with him being so far away and very depressed. I feel helpless at the moment. I told him I would give him space and not talk about coming over or plan to get a ticket until he was ready to discuss it with me. We both really do love each other but he is going through a hard time at the moment.

I just wanted to know how you are doing and how you've been able to be supportive yet give him space? x