in sickness and in health. I do

[Wife24]

"In sickness and in health" I have been married for a little over a year to a wonderful man. By some standards these days I got married young, at 22. My husband has always worn his heart on his sleeve. When he asked me to be his wife I forgot to say yes and he never let me live it down!! Haha

we had started the most exciting time of our lives. Looking back there were many warning signs that had we known what we were looking at, we may have been able to work with. I noticed a change when we were in our honeymoon. Although I was shown love and felt love something seemed off. A few months later we were told the words "you have depression". I don't think I fully understood those words for a few more months and even now I dont understand completely.  My husband, my best friend, has depression.  Quite often I blame myself because I can't fix it. I am starting to realise that and it hurts.  It hurts so much to watch and not be able to take it away. We are getting the help and support we need and have such a loving support team. But in the mean time I struggle to keep going at times and be the strong one I never thought I'd have to or could be. We had several friends get married around the same time as us and often I look on bitterly and wonder why it seems so much harder for us? Why I end up on my own because he is having a hard day? Why it is hard to smile sometimes.  I forget that everyone has their own trials and that being bitter only divides people and pushing them away.

 One thing this has shown me is the love I have for my husband and the undying love he has for me. Everyday he struggles and yet he keeps going.  Sometimes he can't look at me and sometimes he can smile and give me a big hug.  Whether it is a great day or a hard one I feel safe and secure in his arms. He can fix so much with those arms and he words "I love you. Everything is going to be fine". We are so close to being able to move forward and onwards in our life. Im so scared. Im so scared ill fail him and that I wont be able to cope.  If I could say one thing to my wonderful man it would be this: I love you more than anything in this world. You complete my life.  Keep fighting xx

[Wife24]

Thankyou for the reply D'jected

I'm struggling at the moment. We seem to have one great day where he remembers life and then ten bad ones where he cant even look at me. It hurts more than I can write down. I tell him all the time how I feel and what he means to me and why I need him around. But it feels like it falls on deaf ears when things are rough in his mind. When he comes out of it he apologises and makes an effort around the house etc, but it doesnt seem to be lasting long these days. I try hard not to loose my cool but lately with no professional help seen as yet, I've run out of coping strategies and just yell and scream. I feel extremely terrible afterwards because all it does is make him feel worse and make me feel terrible for loosing it. I'm so scared i'm going to loose him to this disease, he is such a wonderful and fun loving guy. I miss that side, I dont see that side come out much right now. I dont really know who I am and I dont really know how to fix things. My only goal right now is for this marriage to work. We promised to love eachother forever (I understand every situation is different and I am in no way commenting on your own marriage. I have no idea what the circumstances were. i wish you both all the best in what you do!). But right now I feel like I'm doing all the work and I'm running out of steam. He went really down over the last few days. yesterday even suggested we should divorce. But knowing my husband the way I do, I know that he says that because he van see my hurt and pain and wants it to stop. The problem is that leaving wont fix it. A part of me will be missing. removing myself from the situation wont make me happy beuase hes not there with me.

Sorry for the long reply. You sound like a really lovely person and I'm so sorry you are going through rough times of your own. Marriage is hard enough without mental illness added on top of it. To have 24 years is amazing. (we have only been married over 1.5 years so I am still extremely new to this!)

Thankyou so much for your reply

Rhiannon x

[AGrace]

Hi Rhiannon,

It sounds like you're still doing it pretty tough.

How long are you having to wait to see a therapist? Has your husband seen his GP lately? Is your husband quite open to treatment options? You mentioned that he's been battling for 6 years now, and things are getting worse not better, have you both considered the idea of him going into hospital so that you can both get some respite? Are you waiting for a Psychologist or Psychiatrist? I'm going to suggest that a Psychiatrist at this stage might be more useful to your husband, so he can get on the right medication, and so that he has access to hospital admission if he so chooses.

In regards to the therapy, I agree that individually would be best to begin with. But once he is seeing someone regularly, as his carer, I think you should have access to this person as well. As a carer I think you should be able to be involved in the treatment plan, as it will more than likely be you carrying it out with him.

You mentioned feeling like you have lost yourself. This is quite common for carers as so much attention is given to the person suffering. Do you have supportive friends and family? Is there an opportunity for you to start spending a bit more time with them? Are you able to look into starting a hobby or sport? It's important that you keep doing things for you, rather than missing out on opportunities because your husband doesn't feel up to them.

Well done so far for continuing to hang in there. We all understand how lonely it can feel.

AGrace

[Wife24]

My husband is seeing a psychologist this saturday for the first time in about 8 months. We were recomended for him to see a psychiatrist but it took me over three weeks to get him a phone call to get an appoinment and I panicked. so he's got one at the end of the month for one of those.

He was admitted about two months ago i think it was? He was there for about a week, got a new lease on life, new job, really wanted to get on track, told his friends what was going on etc. however without doctor help on the outside his zeal has slowly faded due to those feelings still being there. During the time he was in hospital we were going to have a "break" for eachother, but i just couldnt keep away and we missed eachother too much. As hard as life is living with depression, it was empty without him.

I am going to see a psycologist at the end of the month for the first time. I'm a bit excited and nervous about it. I do have supportive family and friends which really helps. I need to refocus and let myself enjoy friends company but right now when I do go all I can think about is if my husband is ok. It has been a rough week which ended with him saying we should get a divorce so I am out of the situation. Today he is much better and can see clearer, but it was scary to hear those words from him. Today its as if that never happened.

This is a great website and I really appreciate the advice and responses. Thankyou so much x

[geoff]

dear Rhiannon, one thing I can say is that he needs support from his psychologist to keep propping him up when he has his off days but more so when he falls backwards, and I'm not forgetting about the help and assistance which you have also provided for him.

It's also important that the same happens for you, because again on his bad days you will know how to handle the situation, which your psychologist can be able to advise you.

When we are in depression we can come out with the worst scenario, such as suggesting or even wanting a divorce, so please I know it upsets you but 'let it ride', that is it will be different the next day.

All the best for the sessions and please we would be interested to see how they go. L Geoff. x

[Snoman]

Hi Rhiannon,

Reading your posts feels a lot like what I imagine it would have been like to read my wife's mind in recent times.  It is definitely very difficult for our carers.

I also get your husband suggesting a divorce.  Obviously he loves you and wants to spare you the pain.  Unfortunately a mind with depression is not able to think rational thoughts all the time. Some thoughts are not just disturbing, but extremely irrational ideas on how to do "the best thing" for the ones we care about.  Do your best to ignore the words by accepting that is just the depression speaking.  Also give his black dog a serve and tell your husband that you are not prepared to lose him, and you will fight for him, even when he is too tired to fight himself.

Please continue to post here.  It is a great place to share you feelings and thoughts to help you get a better perspective on them.

Glad to hear you are seeking some professional support too.

Snoman

[Wife24]

I am starting to realise this. It was just the first time he had ever said that. He's said about having a break before but never said about divorce. I know he loves me but sometimes it's just as easy to forget when you have a few bad days. He has been much better last night and then again today. we ended up spending the day together which was really nice. I'm hoping it continues towards getting help on saturday. He even set up his own account on here which is awesome because I have really benifited from being able to voice my conserns etc on here too.

I will keep you posted on how it all goes 🙂

[AGrace]

Hi Rhiannon,

Just wanted to say what a fantastic idea to get your husband to join the forums. 

I'm glad you guys had a good day together today, I hope this continues for a while longer.

AGrace

[Wife24]

Hi grace.  

He was really apprehensive about going but he really enjoyed it. Problem is some things are coming to the surface and I am having trouble dealing with them. It will take time

 All things take time