in sickness and in health. I do

[Wife24]

"In sickness and in health" I have been married for a little over a year to a wonderful man. By some standards these days I got married young, at 22. My husband has always worn his heart on his sleeve. When he asked me to be his wife I forgot to say yes and he never let me live it down!! Haha

we had started the most exciting time of our lives. Looking back there were many warning signs that had we known what we were looking at, we may have been able to work with. I noticed a change when we were in our honeymoon. Although I was shown love and felt love something seemed off. A few months later we were told the words "you have depression". I don't think I fully understood those words for a few more months and even now I dont understand completely.  My husband, my best friend, has depression.  Quite often I blame myself because I can't fix it. I am starting to realise that and it hurts.  It hurts so much to watch and not be able to take it away. We are getting the help and support we need and have such a loving support team. But in the mean time I struggle to keep going at times and be the strong one I never thought I'd have to or could be. We had several friends get married around the same time as us and often I look on bitterly and wonder why it seems so much harder for us? Why I end up on my own because he is having a hard day? Why it is hard to smile sometimes.  I forget that everyone has their own trials and that being bitter only divides people and pushing them away.

 One thing this has shown me is the love I have for my husband and the undying love he has for me. Everyday he struggles and yet he keeps going.  Sometimes he can't look at me and sometimes he can smile and give me a big hug.  Whether it is a great day or a hard one I feel safe and secure in his arms. He can fix so much with those arms and he words "I love you. Everything is going to be fine". We are so close to being able to move forward and onwards in our life. Im so scared. Im so scared ill fail him and that I wont be able to cope.  If I could say one thing to my wonderful man it would be this: I love you more than anything in this world. You complete my life.  Keep fighting xx

[AGrace]

Hi Rhiannon,

Caring for someone with a mental illness is one of the most difficult jobs in the world. Thanks for being brave enough to do this for your husband, the world needs more people just like you.

I've learnt from my partner that being the carer doesn't always mean that you have to be the strong one. You too are allowed to experience challenges, emotions, and difficulties. It's important that as a carer you get support for you too. 

It sounds like your husband has been fighting very bravely. I can tell you first hand that depression is such a tough illness to go through. Just because he is having really difficult episodes it doesn't mean that he has to be this way for the rest of his life.

You mentioned that if you could say something to your husband it would be...

Have you said these words to him yet? He might love to hear them from you. 

What sort of professional support is your husband receiving? 

AGrace

[geoff]

dear Rhiannon, thanks so much for writing into us, and besides the circumstances it's truly a love letter and one of dedication.

Depression is such a debilitating illness, one that seems to change a persons demeanour, well it does because they become quite, sad, cry and want to sleep, it's certainly not their fault, and on a lot of occasions it's not their partners or spouses fault either.

Amber is correct the both of you need to get professional assistance, because there are ways that you will be able to help him, which a psych will be able to tell you.

One suggestion is that as much as you love each other, it's not a good idea to pin him down and keep asking him questions, because someone with depression hates this, why, well most of the time they have no answer for you, they simply don't know, and if they did know then curing this illness would be so much easier.

Both of you need to begin this journey by seeing your doctor.

I really hope that you can continue with your post and let us know. L Geoff. x

[Wife24]

Thankyou for reading my letter 🙂

Yea one of the hardest things is not to badger him with questions. I know he doesn't have the answers but because I don't have them myself I feel the need to put that on him. And then I break down and am not able to support him. I slowly learning that it is not my fault and that I can have off days too. I will try your suggestions. thankyou very much. we are booked in but it is just a waiting game til then

rhiannon

[Wife24]

Thankyou for replying to my post Grace 🙂

We are booked in to see people but separately. Is it worth seeing someone together as well?

Rhiannon

[Pixie15]

Hi Rhiannon,

It is sad that your husband is suffering depression. It might not be a life sentence though. He might just be overcome with the stress of marriage and living in a relationship.

If he is cooperating with getting help that is something to be grateful for. 

From my experience although it might feel reassuring to be held in strong arms and told it will be alright it may not be without serious effort on your behalf. Try to maintain your own interests, financial independence and find out about the difference between care giving and care taking. 

I am sorry if I seem particularly negative.

cheers,

Grateful.

[geoff]

dear Rhiannon, thanks for getting back to us.

With regard to seeing someone together, there are pro's and con's to this, and I'm just thinking aloud here, in that it can't be forced, because if it is then he will have 'back up', but you can suggest it to him, and if he is 50/50 on the idea, that's a good start, because he hasn't ruled it out.

Once he has seen his counsellor or psych you should know how his mood is after seeing them, and if he has his back up by saying 'it's a waste of time', then he's not ready just yet to go together, but it can change.

I'm sorry but it can be a slow process, but I have hope for the both of you, so please keep us in touch as often as you like, it's somewhere to be able to vent or just have a chat. L Geoff. x

[SubduedBlues]

I'm probably the wrong person to be commenting on how to keep a marriage together as mine has recently collapsed. We only managed to get through 24 years, couldn't even keep it together for the last few months to make the silver anniv.

Sometimes I think to myself that if my wife felt as you do Rhiannon, maybe our marriage would still be. Maybe I wouldn't be so far down the gurgler and the path back to normalcy wouldn't be so long. Your husband is a lucky man, I do so hope that you are letting him know how you feel about him -- particularly during the bad times.

I think we husbands don't need you to have any answers, we just need you to be there -- loneliness is torturous. We don't need you to know the right thing to say, we just need you to say something supportive -- silence kills us. Sometimes just laying our head upon your lap whilst you watch TV is enough; others may be a touch on the shoulder or a hug to let us know that you are thinking about us. (but then this just may be me being selfish -- thinking only of what I missed during the past many years of struggle).

Joint sessions -- I think it is all in the approach, the wording and the intent. At first I would probably be a bit taken aback if you asked if I wanted you to come to one of my sessions with the psych. But, on the other hand, I'd probably be more open to being invited to come along to one of yours; to be supportive to you. 

I wonder: do you find your husbands depression depressing? R U OK?

D'

[Wife24]

Hi there Grateful,

He has had it for about 6 years. I've been in his life for about 3. Looking back at that time I can see many symptoms but at the time I had no idea what I was looking at. Since being married, yes he has gotten steadily worse. I have tried to make life as easy as possible for him. He basically needed to go to work and come home. then I found out that doing nothing and contributing nothing can be as bad as doing everything. So He then had responsibilities. in the space of this year he hasnt been able to hold down a job for longer than 6 months. At this stage i wpuld rather him forcus on getting better rather than a job. But his forms of distraction whilst at home are buying car things $200 plus. on one wage its not possible for him to keep doing that. I have tried everything i can get my hands on to help. But I solwly am loosing the person i am. This is why I am going to see someone for myself. I dont really know who i am anymore and what I like to do. It will get there but its a slow process

Thankyou for replying Grateful for today x

[Wife24]

Thankyou for that Geoff,

Ok so maybe we will just focus on seeing people seperately for a while. I just wondered if it would benefit 🙂

Rhiannon x