ideas to support wife with depression

[soo]

hey,

Don't know where to start so I'll give a brief overview of past 5years. Been trying for years to have a child (natural and ivf) many miscarriages etc,  finally we where blessed just over 4 yrs ago. Our baby passed during childbirth. Was a massive hit for myself and we have never been the same mentally. I can compartmentalise better than  my wife I think. I still feel the sadness everyday and grt anxiety pretty bad at times (which never had before) but I keep on chugging. 

My wife has struggled alot since then, mentally. She has tried counsellors, medication  everything I can think of and nothing has worked. 

We've had multiple other things happen that have been extremely stress inducing during this time but we got through it  

At the same time this happened I had changed careers due to wanting something to better our family long term which meant starting from the bottom and my wife having to take on more of a breadwinner role. Which she was fine with. I am 5months off sitting my final exam and finally being able to contribute more than minimum wage (am a 4th yr apprentice with another trade I've completed previously) 

I've injured myself at work lately and require surgery which means I won't be able to sit my exams for another maybe 12months. 

This has made my wife spiral like crazy. Lots of extreme mood swings, blaming me for everything under the sun - everything is too hard, I'm sick of working (i work 60hr weeks, but she makes significantly more than me right now), the goal posts keep moving,  I'm at my wits end etc

I've tried supporting her by listening and offering suggestions- go back to talk to counsellor etc (as I have no idea what to say) which gets met with anger and "I'm not crazy,   they don't help, nothing helps" etc. 

I've asked what she wants me to do and she gets upset that i dont have to answers to everything.

life's hard, you just have to keep pushing through it. It will grt better. But she has been an absolute wreck the last week since finding out I need surgery and won't be back at work for 8months or so. 

Next year was spose to be her year of being able to relax a bit,  spend more time with our 2nd daughter. Me not being at work doesn't change any of this, I'm still getting paid, I'm doing all the house work I can with my injury. I just don't understand whats going on. I'm disappointed aswell but letting it destroy your life isn't going to make it any better. 

I just don't know what to do or what to say anymore. 

[therising]

Hi soo

You've both been through a terrible time over the past several years and my heart truly goes out to you. So much to manage (mentally, emotionally, physically and even soulfully in a sense) and so much to make sense of. I can't help but wonder whether the current situation is kind of like the straw that broke the camel's back, from your wife's perspective. Perhaps she feels herself finally breaking under the weight of everything that's happened over the years.

While she's not keen on personal counselling, do you feel relationship counselling could be an avenue of interest? Do you think finding someone who could help you honestly express to each other what you're thinking and feeling could make some difference? Could there  be a number of things she's wanted to express over time but hasn't been able to and it's all just built up? You might be feeling the same, having a number of things you want to express.

While I've managed periods in depression over the years, it took me some time to make sense of how my relationship with my husband of 22 years has been of influence when it comes to some of the challenges I've faced. I personally learned a lot about myself from marriage counselling and a lot about what a healthy relationship should look and feel like. I should add that it's not about having a perfect relationship, more so a healthy one. I actually saw the counsellor on my own, as my husband didn't want to attend. The reason I mention this is based on the fact that a lot can still be learned and achieved even if one partner doesn't want to attend the sessions.

Not sure if your wife feels the same but it took me many years to eventually work out what some of my resentment towards my husband was about. There can be an absolute desperation that can come with depression or depressing/challenging times and whether we're fully conscious of it or not, there's some reliance on our partner when it comes to them being the best guide for us, through dark times. There's also some reliance on them being the person to help shed light on why we're suffering. With little significant or strategic guidance and a lack of light or enlightenment when it comes to the way forward, there can be some resentment. Of course, none of us have all the answers for our partner. I've found the next best thing is to find someone who can be of guidance and who can help shed light. Whether that guidance comes from a relationship counsellor or someone else (maybe even from people on the forums here), it may be the case that your wife's desperate to find the way forward through a greater sense of clarity at this time in her life.