Intro

[Briars]

Hi all, 

I’m an alcoholic drinking 1.5 bottles of wine a day. Have done two stints at 7 day rehab last year but nothing sticks beyond 60 days. Desperate…

[Sophie_M]

Hi Briars, 
 
Welcome to our friendly online community. We are so grateful that you decided to reach out here as we know it can be really tough to do this for the first time. It’s a great step to have taken, and we’ll be here for you on this journey.  
 
It can be really distressing to be dealing with this, have you reached out to anyone about this? We know you mentioned previous stays in rehab but this could be a conversation with your GP or with any existing mental health support, or a chat with a loved one who you feel will be supportive in helping you to change this behaviour. It sounds like it would be really good to discuss this with are our friends at Counselling Online, who have some really good resources on Making a Change, here.

There’s also the Beyond Blue helpline on 1300 22 4636, or on webchat if you’d prefer to speak to counsellor there. Our kind and understanding counsellors can talk this through with you and help you to figure out how you can get some support on the path to sobriety.  Other community members have previously mentioned Daybreak, the app, to be a useful resource. You can find out more about this here. 

This is a judgment-free space, so please feel free to share, knowing that you'll be met with understanding. Hopefully a few of our welcoming community members will pop by soon to welcome you and offer some words of support and advice. 

Kind regards, 

Sophie M 

[therising]

Hi Briars

I'm wondering whether you know why you drink. Can involve so much more than alcohol simply being an addictive substance. While some people can start drinking for one reason, they can continue drinking for a whole variety of other reasons. We can't always necessarily see the transition taking place over time. I feel for you so much as you struggle with something you're desperately trying to have victory over.

As a gal who began drinking when I was 16 and largely stopped in my mid thirties (I'm 53 now), my relationship with alcohol was definitely a love/hate one. While I simply loved the way it led me to feel when I began drinking at 16, I ended up hating what it was doing to me. While I loved the way it led me to feel so free spirited, I hated the regrets that came the next day and how much deeper my depression felt. I loved the way it eased my social anxiety, stopped my tormenting inner dialogue, gave me the freedom to experience 'happiness' and what I felt as other high end emotions (as opposed to the low end ones). I loved the way it led me to 'achieve' so much more. In hindsight and as eventually a non regular binge drinker, I hated the way it had taken away my ability to feel the need to develop social skills, feel the need to face the tormenting dialogue head on, feel the need to better understand and develop myself emotionally etc. Coming out the other side of drinking, suddenly I was sober to all these feelings and needs yet with no skills with which to cope. Might sound a bit strange but while drinking just a couple of times a year now, the only reason I drink is specifically to alter my mind. With alcohol being a mind altering substance, you could say I drink to get the odd 'high' or 'trip' a couple of times a year, kinda like how some people would perhaps smoke a joint a couple of times a year. I've gone from drinking so as to not feel low to drinking to get an occasional high. Hope that makes sense.

I've found alcohol to be an incredibly complex thing, far from a simple addiction. I think this helps explain why it can be so hard to stop. The reason I largely stopped is because I came out of long term depression. The compulsion to drink was no longer there. If anything, drinking interfered with how I wanted to naturally feel life. While I occasionally struggle with periods in depression, as opposed to being in a long term depression, there is also a need to feel what is naturally depressing me. I figure, how can I know what's depressing me, while addressing it, if I'm numb to feeling it (through drinking)? 

While everyone has their own story as to why they drink, I thought I'd share my own story in the hope that it helps shed some light on why the compulsion to drink can be there. From my own experience, I'd have to say that sometimes the underlying reasons for drinking need to be addressed above anything else because sometimes we're drinking for exactly those reasons.

[Fuzz]

Well said I myself I'm struggling badly I did rehab for 12 months  and it really did help unfortunately with bad choices I have fallen back in the pot hole I have a beautiful partner who doesn't understand the reasons behind the scenes of an alcoholic 

Unfortunately coming from a broken family as well as a upbringing hasn't made it easier for myself I hate the reflection in the mirror and everything about me.....desperate 

[therising]

Hi Fuzz

Having gone from being an emotional drinker to being an emotional eater, I've found when emotions become a significant challenge there's the temptation to return to what helps manage them. Of course, drinking or eating doesn't really help manage emotions, it just seems that way.

Those 2 forms of addiction can come with very different side effects but I've found one thing both have in common is inner dialogue. Firstly, there's the temptation side of inner dialogue and, secondly, the aftermath after binging. With the temptation side of things, it can sound a little like 'You'll feel so much better. It can't hurt to have a bit of a binge. This'll be it. It's not as though you're going to return to doing this like you used to. Tomorrow will be different. Tomorrow, you'll get back on track' and stuff like that. With the aftermath (especially when standing in front of the mirror), that's when our inner critic can really go to town on us. This can sound something like 'You're an absolute piece of sh**. Have a look at you. You're a poor excuse for a human being'. That's not the end of it. The inner dialogue can become seriously dark, leading into depression. And of course, what do we tend to do when feeling our self in a depression? There's the temptation to return to what gives us some form of a relief. When it comes to so called 'inner demons', it can feel like the inner saboteur and inner critic are working in tandem. I imagine, if my saboteur and critic got together, they'd sound a little like

• The critic (talking to the saboteur in me): You tempt her into having a binge and I'll lead her to feel like cr**
• The saboteur: No worries. You gotta make her feel really bad though, so it's easy for me to tempt her again

I think the saboteur and critic in us tend to thrive on certain triggers, so it can be a matter of becoming incredibly conscious of the triggers and finding seriously strategic ways when it comes to managing them. Yes, easier said than done. It can involve the tiny triggers too, that don't seem all that great but they can become great when they all begin to add up. Mirrors, free time to listen to our inner critic, a lack of distractions, a lack of a sense of achievement or fulfillment in our life, depressing emotions and memories, a depressing lack of energy, a relapse and the list goes on. When all that starts to add up, such things can end up bringing us down.

While it's currently around 5am, I know for a fact I'm going to face a hangover today from 2 or so days of binging on all the wrong foods (that mess with my natural chemistry something shocking). Physically, I'm going to feel like garbage and mentally get really down on myself for all the poor choices I've made. If I focus on my inner sage (which I pray comes to life), I'm relying on it to tell me something along the lines of 'You got this, don't worry. You've made some seriously questionable choices but it's time to start again, beyond those choices'. While I know I need to address a failing marriage of 22 years (just one of the reasons for emotional eating/binging), at least today I'll address the need for hydration and much needed chemistry found in the right kind of foods. Sometimes change begins with addressing the little things, one day at a time.

[Fuzz]

Thankyou for your support I am making arrangements tomorrow too find help for both my addiction and mental health issues