I'm scared I'm hurting my boyfriend

[Amberld]

Hi everyone,

 my name is Amber, I have been going out with my boyfriend james for about two years and two months now my boyfriend suffered a tragic event his dad left his mum for another woman and has gotten diagnosed with depression and anxiety.

i don't know how to help him all I am doing is making it worse we fight all the time I try comforting him, I try talking to him and try spending time with any everytime I hurt him in some way I'm scared of losing him and to make matters worse another guy likes me and my boyfriend isn't acting himself anymore I miss him I don't know what to do someone tell me what I should do.

thank you 

[peter1977]

hello Amberld,

first of all men and woman take a very different approach to things in life .Right now he might see his parents break up as though if they cant make it then no one can make it . You say in your post that another guy likes you but im not sure why you mention it is this something that interests you ?. Does your boyfriend know about this and does he show any emotion about this. I am no professional in these matters but i would say just be there for him and allow him to talk to you when he needs to . Just keep showing him love and support its hard work being the partner of someone that has depression and often it feels like you should just give up the fight. With that being said you need to ask yourself is this man someone you love enough to put in the time for and do you think he loves you enough to keep going .

[geoff]

dear Amber, hi and thanks for coming to this site.

It is very hard when a parent leaves the marriage or long term relationship, because it just simply has unstabilised the family union, and it doesn't matter whether you have a close connection with either parent, you feel the sadness of say your mother, because she has been left by her once soul mate, who has run off with somebody else, and then the anger about your his dad begins, and then this is quiet capable of causing depression and anxiety, or vice-versa, so all in all it is now a terrible mess, and who should he support, well this decision will depend on who he was close to, or alternatively cross with both of them.

As much as you want to help your boyfriend which is lovely, can I suggest that if you keep asking him question after question he will close up, only because he feels as though it's pressure being put on him, and I know that all you want to do is help him, but let him talk when he wants to, and these conversations will only be brief, because this illness causes us to do this.

It may be a good idea to ring the BB phone number at the top of this page as they can give more experienced advice.

Now there is another concern here and that's about this other guy wanting you, and yes when you are in a state of frustration when you and your boyfriend are fighting, then the temptation to see this other guy would certainly be tempting.

This is then where you have to make a serious decision, because in reality you can't have both guys, it can't and it will never work, because either chap will want you to drop the other guy, and when I say this is when your boyfriend is feeling better, because at the moment he wouldn't care a less, but again that's depression telling him to say that.

Just to get off this at the moment, your b/friend needs to go and see his doctor, where you can go with him if he allows you, where treatment will begin.

If he denies going then a decision once again has to be made by yourself, if you want to stay and help him or leave, and that is a very difficult choice, that only you can make, but remember if you want to leave then the euphoria with this new chap you make you feel great, but it never lasts. Geoff. x