Husbands depression and how he feels about me and Im pregnant!

[Charliebear]

I found out late last year that my husband is suffering from depression. He had worked himself into the ground and after convincing him to go to a counsellor his issues were brought right back to his parents splitting up when he was two. Another big issue which devastated me was he didn't know if he wanted to be in this marriage and thought that my son and I would be better off without him. He also went onto medication. After a lot of hard work we thought we were back on track and after struggling to fall pregnant for our second child we were successful with ivf. And yes struggling to fall pregnant again put pressure on him too. We were happy well I thought we were anyway. He has suffered another set back and didn't want to tell me cause he said he was protecting me and the health of our baby. But he lied to me about his whereabouts etc and I have been supportive and here with open heart so he can be honest with me. I feel so unloved and unwanted. There is no affection. We tell each other we love each other every day and he hasn't said it for a week now. His back to the counsellor and I am going to go separately too and request joint sessions. But I feel selfish cause I can't keep having to deal with him wondering if he loves me or not. I know it's the depression and I should be the supportive wife. Through sickness and health as they say. But my heart is breaking and I feel like my world is blowing up in my face. I'm struggling to be strong. I can't stop crying. Are there any support groups for carers? I'm so lost.

[Charliebear]

Is it funny that he has a funny reaction when he knows I am meeting with the counsellor? He always says is there anything you want to talk about? Meaning with him. And then he will say do you know what you are going to talk about? Why is it he wants to know everything I'm thinking but when I do mention things he gets all sad and then doesn't want to hear it. Why does he want to know everything I'm thinking. I feel like not telling him cause it's not like he confides in me anymore. 

I think going away is a good idea for me just to get out of this environment for a few days. He will want to talk to his son but I'm not going to be the one chasing him. I need a break too as much as probably he does. 

so we will see if my counsellor can lift my mood again and give me some hope of hanging in there. He too will then see her on Wednesday. I feel like it's going to be a long week and I'm so tired of crying. 

[White_Rose]

Glad you are going to see the counselor today, or perhaps you have already been there.  I hope the magic worked.

As Geoff has been saying, it is almost like being paralysed for your husband that he finds it so difficult to express his feelings.  And because he does not believe he has any feelings for anyone.  It is so hard to explain how you can lose contact with one part of your brain.  Sounds silly I know, but that's how it is.

I can't remember if he is taking meds.  If he is they should soon start to help restore the balance for him.

Your five days away sounds great.  You do need a rest and he will have a much clearer idea of how much you do for him and how much you care.  Just reassure him you will return.  Geoff has pointed out the pros and cons of phoning him while you are away and this needs to be your decision.

I am so pleased you are a strong person.  Your counselor will help you to stay strong I'm sure.

I'm not sure why your husband asks what you are going to talk about to the counselor.  It may make him feel insecure to feel he is the subject of your discussion, but then you are also going to talk about yourself and how to cope.  Maybe he thinks the counselor will find out things about him that he does not want her to know.  I think that's unlikely as she should not be asking for information of that nature.

When do you go away?  I will be looking forward to your next post.

White Rose

[Charliebear]

Evening! 

Im away at the moment and I left a day earlier. I'm at my sisters and funnily enough my husband's course is only 20mins from here. Unfortunately my husband has decided to move out and tells me this via text messaging. We have had words and I couldnt help but tell him how hurt I am about everything.

i can understand that he feels that he needs his own space to get his head clear about everything and thinks this is the only way and that he won't be hurting me as much by doing this and not being under the same roof. However I am shattered and devastated. I feel like I am about to loose my whole world and there is nothing I can do. He is looking at a 6 mth lease. He said he isn't going to get fix in a few wks and I know that. Yes he is in meds and the counsellor wants to see if he can wk through this without adjusting his meds.

i am shattered that my beautiful growing family isn't what I have always dreamed about. My friends say this might be the thing that makes him realise what he has and what he will miss out. Another said enough is enough and I deserve better. I'm confused. Part of me wants to hold onto that little bit of hope and the other just says I can't. I'm crying everyday. And I still think of things I could do to help him but I just don't know what to do anymore. My world is just going. 

[White_Rose]

Dear Charliebear

So sorry not to reply earlier.  Had a hectic few days.

My dear this is a sad blow to your hopes and dreams.  I'm sure you feel completely overwhelmed and abandoned.  Is your son with you?  I hope so. He will help to keep your life in a balance.  Can you stay at your sister's home for a while?  I think you need to be with someone who cares for you and can take care of you.

Perhaps you can visit a psychologist and get some assistance.  I know you have been talking to your husband's psych and I wonder if this is a good idea now that he has left for a while. 

Do you think it would be a good idea to visit your GP and discuss this latest development?  I suggest this because the situation has changed and you could do with a helping hand.  Your GP would be a good person to talk to.

So what have you been doing while you are at your sister's home?  Try to get some exercise if you can.  Take your son to the park or go for a walk with your sister.  It's probably the last thing you want to do but you do need to get out.  Sitting indoors will make you feel so much more unhappy.

I understand your confusion over your friends' advice.  The problem is with this kind of advice is that your friends want the best for you and they are thinking how they would handle the situation.  They are not you, and were they to be in the same situation, in all probability they would take a different course of action to the one they are suggesting to you.

Despite my comments, may I offer a suggestion?  Don't do anything at the moment.  I know this will be hard because you are so anxious to settle things immediately.  Both you and your husband need time to adjust to this new scenario.  You need to decide what you want in life and this requires as much clarity of thought as you can muster.  You also need to think what you are prepared to do to reach your goal and when enough is enough.

This is why I am saying go to your GP and have a chat and visit a psych if your doctor recommends it.  As I said, it may not be the best thing to see the same psych as your husband.  They are not supposed to disclose anything about one partner to the other and probably don't.  But in my opinion it is asking a great deal of them to keep both parties separate in their minds. I'm not a psych so my opinion is not necessarily valid.  Talk about this with your GP.

I know saying don't worry is like saying don't breathe, but try anyway.  Make yourself do activities that absorb your mind and give you a respite from the agony surrounding you.  Stay with your sister as long as possible.  You really need support and companionship at this time.

Please accept my apologies for not replying earlier.  Write in soon.

White Rose

[Purple_Monkey_Dishwasher]

Hello Charliebear,

Nice to meet you. I am new on here and I am kind of going though the same sort of situation with my husband. I am so sorry that you are going though this and I understand your pain:(. My husband and I have been married for 7 years and together for 10. Last year my husband developed depression. He runs his own business, but he didn't work for 3 months. He went and saw our GP, started on medication and saw a psychologist up until late last year.

its now been 8 months and nothing has changed. He won't see his psychologist and refuses to go back on his meds. Yes he is back at work but he is a changed man. He has confined in meditation, but it's become a obsession now. Pretty much every weekend, he goes away to a meditation centre and not once has he invited or included me. Yes I work weekend, being a aged care nurse, but it's not hard to ask! 

We have no children and still live with his brother which I am really starting to resend. It feels like he is pushing me further and further away everyday. His moods depends on his day to day routine. I just want my loving husband back. I feel like he has gone away without me and left me by myself:(

[Charliebear]

Well I came back from my sisters house on Sunday as did my husband. We had dinner together and spoke openly about our feelings. I said that even though I have family support no one gets it and no one can relate to it. At least he has a close friend who has seen both sides of things so is helping there. Although I am uneasy with the friendship as I wish I was the one who he chose to open up to. He said he has felt like he couldn't talk to me openly and honestly about his feelings for the last 2 years. That hurts a lot as I always thought we could.

anyway we ended that night on a good note and decided that he wouldn't move out and he would stay in the spare room and we would work out a plan/strategy on how to manage everything so he felt like he had the space to clear his mind and also allowed me to breath a bit.

even this morning I got a hug and kiss goodbye.....unfortunately it the when downhill. People are starting to notice our problems and have commented to me. Their influences my judgement on the whole matter. I went to talk calmly and he got angry straight away and said I was attacking him and he couldn't understand anything. He then started saying again that he can't give me what I need and I'm better off without him. There were lots of words and I went home and packed a suitcase. I sat in our driveway crying not knowing where to go or what to do. He came home (our fight was at a park). We talked again, I cried and tried to calm down for the baby. We talked about him moving out again. We don't know what will work. He thinks if he moved out then I won't be so worked up all the time emotionally. I told him I would be worse. I would be left alone with a four yr old and pregnant and then have no idea what my husband is doing. I would not be able to handle this.

so I have another counselling session tomorrow and White Rose I think I agree re changing counsellors and I will see what she thinks. I just thought it would be easier as I wouldn't have to tell the story all over again.

he says he has changed. He said he cares deeply for me. I don't know how we are going to work through this. I am so scared my world is going to fall apart. I desperately don't want this to happen but I am so messed up with all different scenarios, feelings and I get so worked up I'm so scared about what i am doing to this baby.

i would love to just go away by myself to some healing retreat. I feel like I need extra help and I just don't know where to turn to get the answers. 

Purple monkey dishwasher I feel your pain. You just want to be able to solve/fix their pain and have them return to you but we are lost. 

[Charliebear]

Change of plans. I asked him to move out. Every time I am upset my stomach gets tight. I am so scared for the health of this baby. I can't keep chasing him. Maybe space is what we need and if this is the wrong move then I tried and it wasn't meant to be. Of course you would all know this breaks my heart but I feel like I have no other choice. Deep down I think he wants this anyway. I hope I will be ok. It's going to kill me but I have a little son to think about and this little bubba and the three of is need to come first. 

[geoff]

dear Charliebear, I had replied to you just a couple of minutes ago, but I am still having trouble with my pc, and I'm not sure whether it will be posted, however I hadn't finished replying to you but will have to wait and see.

It just disappeared without any extra words on it, sorry. L Geoff. x

[Purple_Monkey_Dishwasher]

I feel your pain Charliebear. I really hope it all gets better for you. My husband has good and bad days. I know he is still talking to her. I also know in my heart that he wouldn't sleep with her and she hates that. We still live with his brother so that means if push comes to shave, I have to move out. I just hope it doesn't come to that:(.

i hope that you have your family and friends around you my friend. I lost most of my friends when I married my husband. 

I am always here if you need to chat. Sending big hugs and kisses your way!

Purple Monkey Dishwasher 

[geoff]

dear Charliebear, I'll try again but the second time is never the same as the first time because you forget certain issues and that's a shame, and Purple Monkey Dishwasher ( PMD) your reply needs to be separate to this one, OK.

WR, is right it's not a good idea to have the same psych as your husband, because something might be said that you expect an answer to but she won't be able to do so, so therefore you may become annoyed, agitated and frustrated, which then makes you close up to her.

The thing which seems to be a main problem is whether he should stay, or go, or maybe move into the spare room or you to either stay with your sister or move somewhere else, and all of this is making the situation harder for you, and I say you because when in depression we don't particularly care what happens, and this chop and change just adds to our depression.

I'm not blaming you one bit, because you want so much for the family to be a unit once again, and for everything to go back to being normal, but while he has depression this won't happen and I'm so sorry for saying this.

The other point ( and this is nothing like my first reply, I only wish I could remember what I actually said) is ' he couldn't talk to me openly and honestly about his feeling' and this is common for a depressed spouse or partner, because we feel as thought once we say something then all the other person wants to do is continually talk or discuss the his/her depression, which means it's 24/7 and none of us want this, and other side is that we don't want you to worry, but in actual fact you do anyway.

This is mentioned ' he got angry straight away and said I was attacking him and he couldn't understand anything', and again this isn't your fault, all you want to do is help him, but at the moment he seems to be far away from this, and this is because he has depression, the curse disease, that shows no physical injury, but hell it affects the brain so much.

You have to change psych and at the moment you have a son and a baby due soon, and sometimes this can jump start him back to feeling as though he maybe needed, but it's not a promise as he can go further into depression, but this small little unit has to be looked after and this includes yourself.

That's hard to say to you I know, you love your husband as does your son, but people with depression can never think logically nor will they accept advice from logical people. L Geoff. x