Husbands depression and how he feels about me and Im pregnant!

[Charliebear]

I found out late last year that my husband is suffering from depression. He had worked himself into the ground and after convincing him to go to a counsellor his issues were brought right back to his parents splitting up when he was two. Another big issue which devastated me was he didn't know if he wanted to be in this marriage and thought that my son and I would be better off without him. He also went onto medication. After a lot of hard work we thought we were back on track and after struggling to fall pregnant for our second child we were successful with ivf. And yes struggling to fall pregnant again put pressure on him too. We were happy well I thought we were anyway. He has suffered another set back and didn't want to tell me cause he said he was protecting me and the health of our baby. But he lied to me about his whereabouts etc and I have been supportive and here with open heart so he can be honest with me. I feel so unloved and unwanted. There is no affection. We tell each other we love each other every day and he hasn't said it for a week now. His back to the counsellor and I am going to go separately too and request joint sessions. But I feel selfish cause I can't keep having to deal with him wondering if he loves me or not. I know it's the depression and I should be the supportive wife. Through sickness and health as they say. But my heart is breaking and I feel like my world is blowing up in my face. I'm struggling to be strong. I can't stop crying. Are there any support groups for carers? I'm so lost.

[White_Rose]

Hello Charliebear

How are you going.  It's been a little while since you posted.  I hope you are OK.  I have been meaning to ask on several occasions, when is your baby due.  Is it soon.  I hope you tell us when he/she arrives.

Please continue to post here if you think it is helpful.

White Rose

[Charliebear]

Hi White Rose,

apologies I did write back to your previous message and when I posted it; it stated there was an error and it didn't post. Then I just got to wrapped up in what was going on that I didn't reply. 

I agree my hormones are at max and it doesn't help at all. I hope you had a lovely Mother's Day. Quite surprising I had a really nice day. 

I went and saw the counsellor again as I was and am still totally confused and frustrated at the situation. My husband and I are just co-existing at the moment. It's awful. One minute he talks about what we would need to do if he left and the. The next minute talks about our future together. Then he tells me he doesn't want to say anything cause he doesn't want to hurt me anymore and needs to work on himself and work out how he feels. He said having this baby is great but clouds his true feelings for me. My hormones might be all over the place but it's hard to try and be upbeat and positive when you feel like your marriage is about to fall apart. 

And how long do I wait. That's the thing that's frustrating. You just feel like you are I limbo land. My husband goes back to the counsellor again next wed. I know it's going to be a long process but I would love to hear him say he is in this, committed and in love with me and our marriage. Of course our relationship would start again and be all new with constant work with the counsellor. I pray for this day to happen but I don't know how long to hang in there - for better or worse and in sickness and health as they say. I don't want to give up. I love him. 

It's our 10 year anniversary in August and I keep wondering if we will get there. We take turns in organising something special each year for us and this year it's his. Our baby is due late October.  There is so much to look forward to that I hope we will be doing this together. 

I just have to keep finding the strength even though I am scared and hurting. My counsellor said I need to keep working on my happiness as it might rub off onto my husband and it also helps me. And even though I am doing lots of things that make me happy but at the end of the day I just want him but you can't force someone to love you xxxx

[Charliebear]

This morning is not a good morning. I get the horrible feeling that my marriage is over. I just can't see this improving. I don't feel any love at all. And I really don't like saying that but maybe I just need to face up to it. He is seeing the counsellor next week but atm all he does is throw himself into work or ignores me at home and stays in the study. I just can't see this changing. I really don't want to give up as I do love him but maybe I have no choice anymore and I just need to let go. 

Soldier on as always.

[White_Rose]

Dear Charliebear

What a horrible place to be in.  You have so much need for love and comfort and your husband cannot give you this at the moment.  Please don't give up on your marriage just yet.  Tell your husband next time he mentions it that you are not giving up, that you are fighting both for him and your marriage.  He needs to hear you say these positive things otherwise he will believe that separation is the best option.

I think I have said this before.  Depression does all sorts of strange things to the brain.  Your husband is probably convinced that no one loves or cares for him.  That the world would be better off without him in it.  That he is useless and a waste of space.  These are the normal thoughts of someone with depression.  In many respects he just cannot see you properly.  In a way he is showing his love by wanting to leave so that you can get on with your life without this huge millstone around your neck. 

This is not a path he really wants.  He wants love and care but is afraid to take it because he feels so unworthy.  I must keep stressing that this is a normal reaction to depression.  As he gets better he will become more like his old self and will be loving again towards you.

It's a big ask for the spouse to persevere through this time.  You cannot hurry the situation and to agree to separate will be horrific for both of you.  Please believe that he still cares although he cannot tell you this.  He would have left by now if he felt your marriage was really over.

This is something you really need to clear up in your mind.  Talk to the counselor as often as you need about this because it is so vital for both you and your husband.

It's great that you are doing things for yourself.  Again, keep doing them.  I'm sorry to say it will be hard road for both of you, but separation will be an even harder road. Every day you are together is another day nearer to managing his depression.  Stay as upbeat as you can.

One last thought.  Are you happy with the counselor?  Do you feel you are getting enough answers and support?  Is this the same counselor that talks to your husband?  I think you said this was the case.

If you feel that you are not getting anywhere with this counselor, try another one.  They are not all the same and different counselors suit different people.  Just a thought.

Keep up the good work.

White Rose

[geoff]

dear Charliebear, sorry to interrupt your conversation with White Rose who must be about my age, give or take 10 years, but it's obvious that you are struggling just as your husband, however it affects you more because you don't have depression, whereas when we have this illness ourselves, everything is bad and we don't care one bit if the world turned itself upside down.

I can definitely relate to your situation as the same happened with me and my marriage, whereas my wife tried so hard to help me, firstly with my drinking and also with my depression, until finally she gave up and divorced me.

But what I want to say about this is that we talk a couple of times a week, without any hassles, plus we see each other at our sons place, we laugh and sort of play up in what we say etc, so there is anonymity at all.

Can I ask you why you are worried about him going away, and also ' lied to me about his whereabouts', this maybe too private for you to tell us, but it is indeed a concern for you while he is away.

You have to remember just like I was, in the exact same position, that we don't know what love is, because we are too depressed to even consider what a relationship involves, but in my case the wife moved out to another room, and by her doing so really empathised my depression, it just hammered home that I felt unloved, although my 2 sons always showed me love, I felt this to be so difficult to handle.

While in your marriage you love him to bits, but he can't show any love back, and this doesn't mean that he doesn't love you, it may seem this way, so all I can say to you is that you find time for yourself, still keep on eye on him, and do what you are already doing for him, it's hard for you, because all you want is love back from him, and I so sorry that this has happened, and please be assured that what he may say it's depression telling him to say this, as he doesn't know the difference between love and hate. L Geoff. x

[Charliebear]

Thank you to both of you. Just both of your words give me that little bit of hope. My heart breaks that he is suffering from this. And I know that I can't fix it for him and may not even be able to give him the support he needs. And I know what I should be doing; it's just tough. 

Deep down I don't want us to separate. He is my world. I think I get protective and defensive so I just think I can't keep doing this. And I agree that we need to stop talking about separation as that is just negative talk. It would just be nice to know where I stand. And I understand that this is not going to fix itself overnight. 

Im sorry that each of you had to experience these difficulties aswell. But thank you for advising me and guiding me. And the only reason why I was hesitate about him going away is that he made up a whole story to me when in fact he was with his friend talking about his feelings etc and I was hurt he felt he had to lie about that. 

Theres just a lot of things we need to work on. 

I do love him xxx

[Charliebear]

Ok wish me luck! My husband is still at work and I moved him back into our room. I'm hoping he is ok with this. I think it's a way of showing that I am supportive and that I don't want him to go anywhere! 

[White_Rose]

Congratulations!  That is a terrific move.  I hope your husband accepts your gesture but try to remain positive if he does not seem over the moon.  As Geoff said, your husband does not know the difference between love and hate.  Well perhaps not hate exactly but certainly he cannot grasp the idea of love.

There are lots of things to work on.  Just remember, baby steps for both of you.  Try to look at today, not next week or month.  When you look too far ahead the goal gets further away and you get downhearted.

Geoff, I'm not sure how old you are so I am uncertain how close I am to you in age. Certainly I have retired from paid work although there are times when I would like to be back at work.  Well, at least for a millisecond.  I don't think we have ever chatted on this forum but I have read many of your posts.  I like your gentleness and the caring way you phrase your thoughts.  So many people who write in here find your comments helpful and supportive.

Regards to both

White Rose

[Charliebear]

My efforts were ignored. Not even an acknowledgement. 

[geoff]

dear Charliebear, it was a good step, unfortunately not even with a click of the finger will make him change straight away, as this never happens with depression, but ohhhhhhh wouldn't it be just so great if it did.

I do understand that he wouldn't acknowledge you, remember he has depression, and how can I say this in a delicate way, that will pass the filter, is that he isn't going to touch you or explore your body.

I remember once that my wife made love to me and said 'there you should feel better now', but it didn't happen.

dear White Rose, I'm 59 turning 60 later on in the year, and 2 sons both in their 30's, I know my body feels older because of a car accident, which was my fault.

It's good talking to the both of you and I hope Charliebear that stay with us, and keep us informed, but this is something that you can talk about with your counsellor, who could have other thoughts. L Geoff. x