Husbands depression and how he feels about me and Im pregnant!

[Charliebear]

I found out late last year that my husband is suffering from depression. He had worked himself into the ground and after convincing him to go to a counsellor his issues were brought right back to his parents splitting up when he was two. Another big issue which devastated me was he didn't know if he wanted to be in this marriage and thought that my son and I would be better off without him. He also went onto medication. After a lot of hard work we thought we were back on track and after struggling to fall pregnant for our second child we were successful with ivf. And yes struggling to fall pregnant again put pressure on him too. We were happy well I thought we were anyway. He has suffered another set back and didn't want to tell me cause he said he was protecting me and the health of our baby. But he lied to me about his whereabouts etc and I have been supportive and here with open heart so he can be honest with me. I feel so unloved and unwanted. There is no affection. We tell each other we love each other every day and he hasn't said it for a week now. His back to the counsellor and I am going to go separately too and request joint sessions. But I feel selfish cause I can't keep having to deal with him wondering if he loves me or not. I know it's the depression and I should be the supportive wife. Through sickness and health as they say. But my heart is breaking and I feel like my world is blowing up in my face. I'm struggling to be strong. I can't stop crying. Are there any support groups for carers? I'm so lost.

[Charliebear]

Evening. My thoughts only was to try and get back to sleeping in the same bed as I thought this would be a positive move. I wanted to get some normality. And trust me I know I can't click my fingers and all will be solved otherwise I would of done that ages ago!!!

Im just trying to get rid of all the negativity out and get some positivity back into our lives. It's just emotionally draining. Not knowing where you stand in your own marriage breaks my heart. 

a question to you both or anyone else - I find it hard to have conversations with him as I have no idea what mood he is in. We used to talk about what we wanted to do ie future plans etc. now I feel like I have no idea what to talk about and should I talk about future plans? 

[White_Rose]

Hello Dear

This sounds like a very personal question, so feel free to ignore it, but did you sleep together as you wanted?  If so it was a great step forward.  I doubt there will be any outward response yet, but if he stayed then he knows you care.  Please remember your husband finds it very hard to show his feelings at the moment, but it is registering deep down.

I know you are trying to get rid of the negativity and that's great.  And it's very hard for you to feel unappreciated.  Take it one step at a time.  Trying to do everything all at once will only exhaust you and you need to care for yourself.

You ask about having conversations with your husband.  Tell him about your son and what he did during the day.  Tell him snippets of gossip.  What are his interests?  Not at the moment because he probably is not interested in anything, but the things he used to like, football etc.

Ask him questions occasionally.  Questions that require a short answer.  Then carry on talking.  Sometimes it is pleasant to sit in silence.  This is also normal and he may appreciate the feeling of companionship.

Talk here as much as can.  I will keep in touch with you.

White Rose

[geoff]

dear Charliebear, to be able to talk to him, well his feelings now compared to when he recovers from depression will be totally different, and when you do ask him about the future he will probably say 'I don't know', because he has no projection into the future let alone what's going to happen tomorrow.

When I say recovers from depression means that he will be vulnerable to having relapses and hopefully these only last a few days or so.

I wouldn't prolong talking to him for too long, and even if he doesn't answer he will know what you are saying. L Geoff. x

[Charliebear]

No we didn't sleep together. He went straight to his room. And he is still there although he has now moved to sleeping on the lounge the last few days. 

That is mainly what we talk about and there is plenty of silence. I agree with you though I am trying to hard and just getting exhausted. I feel like it's one step forward and four back. 

I am feeling drained so I agree I need to stop and breath and look after myself. 

[White_Rose]

I'm sorry to hear things did not work out as hoped.  Glad you are going to take a little more care of yourself.  It will pay dividends in terms of your own resilience.

As Geoff says, short conversations, no reproaches, lots of love.  You will both get there.  I'm having a bit of an off day today so will not stay long.

White Rose

[Charliebear]

I'm sorry to hear White Rose that you did t have a good day the other day. I hope that you are well.

its so hard to give out the love when you feel like you keep getting rejected. I feel like we can't even enjoy our pregnancy. I'm trying too but I just miss him as a part of this. 

Is it a common question for him to ask me "what's wrong?" And this is after I try and be supportive and I just get rejected. Or like tonight he said He has so much on at m due to work that he hasn't had time to think. I feel like I'm not even a priority at all. Him trying to work on himself and figure out how he feels is not a priority when all I think about is this. 

Im tired, emotional and now I'm sick with a cold. I'm exhausted. 

[White_Rose]

Thanks for your good wishes Charliebear.  I'm feeling much better today.

You are on such a hard road and every step feels like pulling yourself out of the sticky mud.Yes, your husband has built walls around himself for protection.  He hurts so much that he is afraid to let anyone or anything in.

In your corner of the world it is dark and lonely as well but he cannot see it.  This is why you need to find a wall of people who will help you and support you to feel safe and comforted.  These supports cannot take the place of your husband but they will help until he is ready to knock down his walls.

Please keep your hope and faith in him.  He will come back and love you for your patience and support.

White Rose

[geoff]

dear Charliebear, can I first say that I do hope that you forge ahead even though a cold can knock you out, which then magnifies any problems that anyone has, and when your love of your life doesn't appreciate what joy it is for you to be pregnant is disappointing for you.

Somewhere in the future his 'walls will break down', I just wish that we could tell you when, but unfortunately no one knows, so there is a fine line here, when it does happen I hope that you yourself have not been worn out. L Geoff. x

[Charliebear]

Hi guys,

thank you for always being here for me. I want to have faith in him but I can honestly say that I don't think he loves me like that anymore. I feel like I have to face reality. 

I am very lucky as I have some amazing close friends and family that I can turn to. And no they don't come close to the love of my husband. I've been told that I am the strongest woman that they know and can't believe that I keep going. But I have always felt like I am a soldier who just has to keep going. Even with a cold!! 

I've made the decision to go and visit my sister for 5 days. I need to get away and I know that's a good thing for me but I just hope for some reason I don't push him further away. 

I would have thought I would have got some sort of sign from him to show me he still loves me in that way but I haven't. Nothing to hold on to. 

Im off to the counsellor today and she always makes me feel a bit better so fingers crossed she can work her magic again and give me the strength I need not to throw in the towel just yet. Right now I feel like I have no other option. 

Thank you once again for your support. Although I do have a support network this has helped me the most xx

[geoff]

dear Charliebear, at the moment don't discount that he doesn't love you, because in depression it's too hard to even show or say to our spouse or partner that we 'love you', so please, how can I say this, 'just go with the flow', if you can hold on.

It's a good choice to go away for a few days, and I'm sure whether he has the capacity to answer the phone if it rings, and if you know that he doesn't then it's a good idea not to try and ring, although you could try once or twice, but your concern will be that you will worry about the lack of no contact, so these days away is time for you to relax if this is possible.

With myself in depression I treasured the idea of my wife and kids going away, and this wasn't because I didn't love them, but I just wanted to be alone and yes to drink without any pressure.

It seems as though you have a lot of faith in your counsellor/psych, which is fantastic, so let her do 'her magic' again, and enjoy your time away, which means that we might not hear from you for a few days, however you might be able to drop us a line. L Geoff. x