Husband with depression spiralling out of control

[Marie1403]

My husband and I were high school sweethearts. We have been together for almost 12 years and married for 4.

He was diagnosed with depression not long after we were married and in the last 4 years things have been spiralling downward-especially over the last 12 months.

He has previously run away and on one occasion hitchhiked for 3 days without a phone call-I thought he had committed suicide-I was a wreck. 

After that occasion, I took him to the hospital to see a psychiatrist -he admitted he was on the edge again and willingly came. The counsellor he saw was rude and nasty. She accused him of

abusing me due to needing to lock doors etc with possible OCD tendencies. He came out feeling worse than when he went in. He avoided their follow up calls and now is reluctant to get help. He has taken himself off anti depressants and lost his job. He has been unemployed almost 6 months-he hid it from me until I was getting phone calls regarding unpaid bills. As a result we had to move into my parents house-very reluctantly.

I don't get along well with my mother. His family are not around-he had a tough upbringing and doesn't have much to do with his family as a result.

I am now finding myself almost 30yrs old and living at home on 1 income. I am hanging by a thread and feel myself sinking into depression. I had such big goals and aspirations and can't see a way for my husband to get out of this slump. My family don't understand and think he is lazy.

 I am not sure what to do anymore... 
 

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

 

[white knight]

Hi Marie1403,  welcome to beyond Blue forums

Firstly your hubby. I can totally relate to him. His action of going missing for 3 days is a definate sign of deep depression to the point whereby he doesnt car eat all about anything. At the end of 3 days he has come to reality and saved himself by returning. He isnt well at all. The worst thing a therapist can do is attack someone in that frame of mind. He's shut down now- no wonder.

Lazy? That isnt a fair assessment by your parents. I know its their impression of him but unless thy undertake about 13 years of medical training they shouldnt diagnose. Sounds harsh but thats why it isnt fair. They would get a better response by embracing and helping him. A bigger issue than your parents is his reluctance of him taking medication. That is not putting family first...he has to take them and there is no excuse.

And what about you? You are at the end of the line with your husband. Circumstances can lead you to this point. I suggest a visit to your GP and seek, together, a health care plan that will provide several free visits etc.  If you go together you can assure him he wont be abused.

I feel you both need a plan. If not both then you alone. A move to a rental property even a small flat is essential away from your parents as that situation is terminal and you may lose them. The plan is for him to take meds, attend that care plan with you, lift his game etc. But you should have short medium and long term plans. Him returning to work is long or medium term.

If he fails to do any of the above then there isnt much future there. I'm sorry to say that. But we have discussed on this forum what happens with a relationship when meds are not taken and basic responsibility of the sufferer is ignored....its a no win future.

It's time you drew the line in the sand.

Take care       Tony WK

[geoff]

dear Marie, welcome to this site, but in a very difficult situation.

I'm sorry but Tony is right, and I'm sure that you are all ready in depression, because it seems a no-win situation for you, your living with your parents who you don't get along with especially your mother and who also think your husband is lazy, so what support do you have, well you don't have any, and this then puts you into depression.

I know that you are heartbroken and could cry at the drop of a hat, so you definitely need to go and see your GP.

I'm not sure how you stand with the outstanding bills, but perhaps come to some agreement with the creditors, as you probably have done all ready.

I think that by moving into a flat would be a good idea, and what you do with your husband is totally up to you and then your parents, but he could now claim disability payments from centrelink, but you would probably have to do all the paperwork, so a doctor's letter would certainly help and this maybe a good excuse to get him to go, but it won't be easy.

If you decide to have him live with you then he can claim rent assistance from centrelink, but would you cope.

The doctor at the hospital should never ever say this to a patient, it's very unprofessional, and whether he has OCD has to be diagnosed, but if you like you can get back to us and explain a couple of things he does, as I have had it for 54 years.

The doctor can decide whether he does need to go to hospital, and I know he hates them, but if he authorises it then he must go, but perhaps talk to the GP first.

It's a very sad position you are in, but I really hope that you can get back to us. L Geoff. x