Husband very depressed and won't seek help

[Cat_C]

My husband was diagnosed with depression a year ago and was put on meds by a GP. He saw a counsellor for a little while then she told him she felt he was doing well and to come back if he needed to. A couple of months ago he began taking himself off the meds, saying they weren't working. Since then he's gotten worse and worse. He quit his job and has been looking for another but unable to find one. He thinks if he gets another job this will all go away.

He really is trying to pull himself out of the hole he's in, and he asks me to help him. I try my hardest. I organise social stuff, I ask him to do exercise and meditation with me, I've made it clear I want to listen to his thoughts and fears, I love him and I want to help. But none of that works, and because it's not working, he maintains that I'm not trying at all. He asks me how I can be here watching him so distressed and do nothing. I feel terrible, because I can't think how else to help. He never tells me what he wants me to do, because if he knew what I should do, he wouldn't need my help. I can't defend myself ever, at all, because he sees that as insulting. I've read everything i could find, many threads here, I've suggested everything I could think of but nothing works, or is even acknowledged as effort. At the moment he won't even be in the same room with me because he feels I don't care, am doing nothing, and he doesn't even know me. I'm worried he's going to throw our marriage away because he feels unsupported.

I've tried to get him to see a psychiatrist, and he went to get a referral (for me) but then had a number of arguments with me abut how it was unfair of me to make him do something that might be more damaging (he feels his last encounter with professionals did more harm than good). I can actually understand that, and can see why he'd be worried about going on meds again considering the withdrawal was bad for him. I've also suffered from an eating disorder and anxiety and I've found psychologists to be a mixed bag, with about 2 out of 5 actually moving me forward - but I feel this is common and you need to find the right one for you, i don't blame the profession.

If anyone has any ideas of what I can do to help him while not giving him ultimatums about what I think he needs to do, I'd be really grateful.

I also want to show him I care and that I'm really trying, which he sees as selfish and about me and preserving my self-esteem, but if that's true then i guess i am selfish.

[Cat_C]

Hi Lost4Words, i'm really sorry you're going through this with your partner too.

[BballJ]

Hi Cat C,

My apologies for the delay in my response as I haven't been on the forums for a while. I have seen numerous posts on these forums about this exact issue regarding partners and their mental health. I wish I had the perfect advice to give you that would make the situation better but it's very hard to help someone who doesn't acknowledge they have a mental health issue and secondly is resistant to help of any kind. Your husband seems very reliant on you being around which probably makes him feel at ease.. I know personally with my mental health at its peak, I couldn't be away from my partner or really anyone. When you're alone, your thoughts run wild and make you very upset. It's not fair on you as well as we all need a break from it weather we have a mental health issue or know someone who does.

This is one of those situations where you just need to keep supporting and pushing the idea of getting external help. I know it is tough but please keep your head up and be strong.. You have all right to be selfish and take 24 hours off to re-energise as well. It's just finding that line.. perhaps if you did it again, message every few hours to see how he is?

Since you posed quite a few days ago, how have the last few days been?

My best,

Jay