Husband very depressed and won't seek help

Cat_C · ‎10-04-2017

My husband was diagnosed with depression a year ago and was put on meds by a GP. He saw a counsellor for a little while then she told him she felt he was doing well and to come back if he needed to. A couple of months ago he began taking himself off the meds, saying they weren't working. Since then he's gotten worse and worse. He quit his job and has been looking for another but unable to find one. He thinks if he gets another job this will all go away.

He really is trying to pull himself out of the hole he's in, and he asks me to help him. I try my hardest. I organise social stuff, I ask him to do exercise and meditation with me, I've made it clear I want to listen to his thoughts and fears, I love him and I want to help. But none of that works, and because it's not working, he maintains that I'm not trying at all. He asks me how I can be here watching him so distressed and do nothing. I feel terrible, because I can't think how else to help. He never tells me what he wants me to do, because if he knew what I should do, he wouldn't need my help. I can't defend myself ever, at all, because he sees that as insulting. I've read everything i could find, many threads here, I've suggested everything I could think of but nothing works, or is even acknowledged as effort. At the moment he won't even be in the same room with me because he feels I don't care, am doing nothing, and he doesn't even know me. I'm worried he's going to throw our marriage away because he feels unsupported.

I've tried to get him to see a psychiatrist, and he went to get a referral (for me) but then had a number of arguments with me abut how it was unfair of me to make him do something that might be more damaging (he feels his last encounter with professionals did more harm than good). I can actually understand that, and can see why he'd be worried about going on meds again considering the withdrawal was bad for him. I've also suffered from an eating disorder and anxiety and I've found psychologists to be a mixed bag, with about 2 out of 5 actually moving me forward - but I feel this is common and you need to find the right one for you, i don't blame the profession.

If anyone has any ideas of what I can do to help him while not giving him ultimatums about what I think he needs to do, I'd be really grateful.

I also want to show him I care and that I'm really trying, which he sees as selfish and about me and preserving my self-esteem, but if that's true then i guess i am selfish.

BballJ · ‎10-04-2017

Hi Cat C,

Firstly, welcome to the forums and well done for posting looking for help for your husband.

It is such a tough one to give advice on because you have done literally everything I would of suggested but it isn't being acknowledged which is just as hard. You're on the right track when you say finding the right counsellor can take time and can take a few goes to find one you fully connect with, was there any progress with the last counsellor at all and was coming of the medication a doctors recommendation or he just started coming off them himself?

Possibly getting him to call the Beyond Blue helpline on 1300 22 4636 may be an option, simply gently suggesting it and asking for advice from them himself and maybe someone else giving the advice may get him to go back and see the GP and a psychologist or psychiatrist?

I was told when I first went for a recommendation that finding a good psychologist is like finding a good friend, it can take a while to click with one but when you do, they work great for you.

Has your husband got a support network around him, other than yourself, family members friends etc? maybe getting someone else to give advice to him along with yourself may be an option too?

My best for you and your partner,

Jay

blondguy · ‎11-04-2017

Hi Cat C

Jay is spot on above with his advice. It does take time patience and a strong determination to heal.

Ive had depression for 21 years and I had no idea how much effort was required on my part to heal.

You mentioned he was/is distressed and feeling that you dont care. I understand that its difficult to help a person that is refusing help but just for your information, him isolating himself from you and saying you arent trying is the depression talking.

Depression is the same as a serious physical illness as its partially chemically based anyway. Its like having a serious infection or rheumatoid arthritis.....we need the meds.

Even if your husband goes back on the meds they arent a fix all. They do provide him with a platform on which he can heal more effectively using counseling and all the various coping techniques.

I had a mental health care worker (a psychiatric nurse) at a community center help me at no charge. He made me agree to see him weekly for 7 months. With meds this guy gave me my life back (I was working at the time) He also asked me a lot of questions and had crying my heart out after 3 visits...This 'venting' was what I had been hiding from for many years. A good therapist will make him feel uncomfortable by getting him out of his comfort zone.

You are not selfish...you care about your husband a great deal. You have great strength Cat C

You own health is paramount here. It can be a huge drain on your mental health and quality of life with your heartfelt help being rejected

my kind thoughts for you

Paul

geoff · ‎11-04-2017

hello Cat, I had only read half of your post before I needed to reply back to you, because normally a depressed spouse or partner often feels that their partner isn't doing enough to help, even though you have suggested different programs, new ideas and who it maybe good for him to see, and they do this because they aren't feeling any better so because of this they take it as though you aren't helping enough, but I'm sure you are doing all you can to help him.
He is incapable of deciding what to do, depression won't allow this, or even if he knows what he should do, it never happens, because he has no strength.
It is sad for you when you think you are doing your best but with no recognition, just as it worries me that he has decided to stop his med's without consulting his doctor and felt the full blast of withdrawals, maybe he should have gone back to his GP and have his medication reviewed, rather than doing it himself.
By getting another job is no certainty he will feel better, he could for a week or so but then he will be back to where he started in depression, it hadn't actually gone it was only put on hold and would no doubt return.
It's not reasonable to believe that all psychiatrists are the same, they all have their different techniques, and now all of this is affecting you, so now it's very important for you to get the help you need, whether this means taking a side-step away from your husband then that's what you have to do, because he's not accepting any advice, but it's bringing you down.
You can't possibly help him when you aren't feeling well yourself, so please get the help you need. Geoff. x

Winterfell · ‎12-04-2017

I may sound harsh but I think your husband needs a wake up call. Honestly if he had diabetes would he try to work his way out of it or jolly himself along? Could you fix his diabetes by helping him and listening to him? Of course not. If he was depressed to the point of being diagnosed and requiring medication then he has had an illness and likely still does. Rather than stopping meds maybe talking to a GP or psychiatrist about a change would have been a more cautious approach. You cant fix him and he is being unfair to you at this point. Maybe you could point out the parallels with a physical illness - that the meds can help and then lifestyle and therapy go on top for optimal recovery? The man therapy site is good too for mens dialogue about depression so perhaps show him that for some ideas going forward. you could also offer to accompany him to the GP or psychiatrist in case he has some anxiety about it. Good luck

Lost4words · ‎18-05-2017

Hi Cat C,

I feel your pain and feeling of hopelessness. I too am in simular situation of having a partner whom blames you for not being there or doing anything to help. If only they knew how hard it is to see them like this and refuse to see beyond their wall that they put up when it is time to deal with it. I wish you the very best of luck and hope we both have success in helping our partners recover from this destructive killer. x

Cat_C · ‎23-05-2017

Thank you for your advice Jay,

my husband does have a support network but he doesn't find it helpful. His parents don't know how to deal with it and make him feel worse. He spoke to a good friend I know he respects a lot, but even she couldn't get through to him.

I think I will leave the Beyond Blue number for him so he has it if he needs it or wants it, but he's still very resistant and in the last month and a half since I posted it's just become worse and worse. Ive had no time or energy even to get back to this post, which I wish i had as it's been helpful advice from all! I called a community mental health team yesterday and they came to the house but he told them he was fine, although earlier he'd told me he was suicidal, then taken it back.

After that last night for the first time ever I went and stayed overnight at a friend's house to have some time away - because when I left i thought he seemed quite rational and ok. Then I was at work all today and when I came home he has been furious at me because I didn't text or call him to find out if he was ok. I was probably being selfish but I just wanted 24 hours off, and I had told him i'd be coming back tonight. So tonight he's lost it at me and can't believe how horrible i am and that I'm not helping him. He was yelling so i said i'd talk to him when he calmed down, and that i wouldn't talk while he was yelling. This made him fly into a rage, run into the bathroom and start sobbing. He blames me for making him angry, he says i put him in these rages and take no responsibility for the outcome. I don't try to make him angry but I do disagree with things he says that i don't think are true, like that i'm refusing to help him. He feels if he's upset i need to stay there and talk to him until he feels better, and he feels it's a betrayal when i 'leave him' by walking out of the room. He threatens that our marriage will not last if he can't forgive me for treating him so poorly (meaning: not helping him out of his depression and leaving him alone when he gets upset)

Now he refuses to talk to me. I don't know what to do because i feel i need to set some boundaries about how we communicate but it's just making him more angry. How can I get across to him calmly that he needs to take responsibility for his feelings and that i can't 'put him in' a rage, even if i did do something selfish for me?

Cat_C · ‎23-05-2017

Thanks Paul,

your response gives me hope that one day he will get better.

I just feel so bad for him that he truly believes I don't care and don't want to help! How can i convince him I'm here for him, even if imperfect? Did anyone in your life manage to get through and make you feel less alone?

Cat_C · ‎23-05-2017

Thanks Geoff for your post, it really brought tears to my eyes.

I am trying very hard to get the help i need and am seeing a psych myself.

Cat_C · ‎23-05-2017

Thanks Winterfell,

this is good advice, i've done exactly that and so has a friend of ours. He just doesn't think professional help will work! He thinks it can even be more harmful, and i think he's afraid of going back because he thinks they'll just tell him to do all the work and then he'll be left alone again not knowing what to do. Which I can imagine is a pretty scary thought. I think it's an inaccurate one though and i will keep trying to get him to go.