How do you be in a relationship where you are only loved 50% of the time? Do depressed partners push you away as they want to end it?

[porcelain]

I am tired of it. Do they want to make relationships end, so they can at the end of the day say "see, life is crap, I told you, I am hard done by".

I am over being the door mat for another human, I have been put down endlessly, for being who I am. I have even been told to go and top myself (lovely!), I am tired of doing all the caring (unnoted and unappreciated) and no-one there for me. For a change it would be lovely to be loved....

Who says that this ok ? I AM worth it. I deserve to be loved 100% of the time.

[Sophie_M]

Hi porcelain,

Thank you for reaching out to us here. It was a brave thing to do as we know these things aren't easy. This is a safe non-judgmental space where forum members give and receive support based on their own experiences, many similar to yours.

Support from family and friends can make all the difference for someone with depression. While here are lots of things you can do, it’s also important to look after yourself, too. Supporting someone who experiences anxiety and/or depression isn't easy – it’s often physically and emotionally draining, which can affect your health and wellbeing.

Beyond Blueprovides information for those trying to support those with depression here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/supporting-someone. You may also find it helpful to talk this through with one of the qualified mental health practicitoners at our support service who are available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636. Alternatively, you might like to reach out to Relationships Australia for further support and advice: https://www.relationships.org.au/.

[Doolhof]

Hi porcelain,

Both my husband and I have depression and other mental health issues, so at times we both bounce off each other in an unpleasant manner. We don't mean to hurt each other, but we do due to our illnesses, and not being able to put effective and positive interacting skills in practise when triggered by depression.

I agree with you, we all need to feel loved, cared for accepted and our needs met. Sometimes when a person has depression it is not possible to look after yourself properly let alone anyone else.

I'm not saying it is okay to use that as a reason to treat people unkindly. When your partner upsets you, can you ask them to please stop and be aware of what they are saying.

Is it possible for you to leave for a moment, go to another room, let them know their behaviour is not acceptable.

Are there ways you can work on your self esteem and look after yourself?

I hope you can consider the options Sophie has mentioned and find some help in all of this.

The only person who can love us 100 percent is ourselves.

Cheers to you from Dools

[Deckt]

Hi porcelain!

Yes, you do deserve to be loved 100% of the time. It's ok for partners to have a hard time, every now and again, and I believe that requires some compassion and understanding. But that should be the exception, not the rule. It's not acceptable for your partner to say those things. I've struggled with depression a lot, but that doesn't make it okay for me to put someone down just because I'M feeling down.

If you decide to stay in this relationship, I would suggest laying down some rules about how you expect to be treated in the future. If you decide that you want/need more, you're not the bad guy for leaving.

Please feel free to check in, and chat more on this issue.

Hugs, Dt.

[porcelain]

I guess...because he is a great dad and loves our children fiercely I feel I can see the difference of interactions and love he gives them....

I don't know, I want him to be happy all the time and to actually see me. I feel as if he is would prefer me to look after him and the kids and not burden him the expectations with comes with a relationship/marriage. He does not seem to appear to care at all if there are no interactions with me whatsoever. He seems to prefer it that way... I am tired of caring to be honest whether he loves me or gives a hoot, as if I bring anything up, he says I am being silly. He doesn't even notice that this upsets me. .....When I think of it, sometimes he actually flips on the switch of anger over nothing, when I am at my most happy and playful. It's like he despises me being that way and wants to tear it apart... ?

We both love our kids so much, and I do love him and want to see him better but I am helpless and going through grief as I feel the relationship and friendship I long for, won't return. I think I have decided once I accept that, I can work on love for me, love for my kids and keeping a peaceful environment inside myself and for my children. Thank you guys x

[Doolhof]

Hi porcelain,

It is hard at times to know what to do, only you can make that decision.

For now, maybe use your energy to love yourself and your children more.

I'm not suggesting you ignore your partner altogether, do what you have to or feel comfortable doing and find ways to look after yourself in all of this.

If we can't look after ourselves, then we have little to give anyone else.

As people remind me, we can't make other people change, only they can do that.

Hope you find some answers.

Cheers from Dools

[Deckt]

Hi porcelain,

Something else to consider, when you're thinking about that issue. Your kids. I hear that he's a great dad, and demonstrates love towards his children, and that is fantastic. But something that you both owe to your children is a demonstration of a healthy, loving relationship between two adults. This is equally important for young girls and young boys to learn. They both need to learn how to treat partners appropriately, with affection, respect and kindness. To resolve conflicts in an adult fashion. To see healthy physical affection, laughter, jokes, cuddles etc.

I'm not saying that this is never going to return with your partner. Only you and he can know that. But if it is never going to come back... don't stay in this relationship just for the sake of your children. You are not doing them any favours, and you're certainly not doing yourself any.

Wishing good things in your direction, my friend. 🙂