How can I tell if husband is coming out of depression??

HeartbrokenWife · ‎29-08-2015

Hey there everyone,

my husband has been battling depression in denial for 8 months or so now. He has completely distanced himself from me and our children, blaming us for his unhappiness. Yet the last week or two his demeanor has changed a little in some ways (but not in others) towards us.

i was just wondering from those who have gotten through an episode of depression, or partners of those who have, how can I tell if the fog is beginning to lift and he's coming out of it? Is it all of a sudden how it came on? Or a slow, gradual process? What behavioral signs and changes would I most likely see first?

Any personal experiences and opinions would be greatly appreciated!

geoff · ‎30-08-2015

dear HeartbrokenWife, thanks for your comment, and it is a very good question, however everybody is different and there is no general rule although with some people their way of overcoming depression can be similar.

With me I changed direction but this was only because my wife divorced me and we had to sell our house, and please I'm not suggesting that this should happen with you, as I said everyone is different, but all hobbies changed and the work I used to do as a self employed business didn't interest me any more, which I never thought as possible.

My drinking of alcohol totally changed to becoming only social and was this gradual or a slow process, well for me it was almost immediate, the cloud over my head had lifted, I had to be responsible for myself, because my family were about 2 hours away and a good mate who lived close to me had passed away.

With your husband his change could be gradual as he would take more notice of what the kids are doing, such as playing a sport so he may want to go and watch them play, assuming that they do play a sport, but already his demeanor has changed which is great.

Can I just say and this is my opinion only, that if he is over shadowed with too much love and attention it could back fire, because all of a sudden from being a person who hasn't opened up to anyone in such a long time, then he could become embarrassed and want to go back to within himself.

There is a fine line of where do we draw that line, remembering that everyone is different, and only you will know this.

So instead of saying it's 'great to have YOU back', what about the 'kids really love their sport', so the enjoyment is spread around between you, your kids and your husband.

I don't know whether this answers your question. L Geoff. x

HeartbrokenWife · ‎01-09-2015

Thanks Geoff that's a good insight...

can I ask, what changed first for you, your interest in doing more things with friends and family? Or the way you treated people?

you see, my husband hasn't been going out quite as much or anywhere near as late for the last few weeks, has begun interacting with our young kids a bit more, offering to help with them so I can have a breather and generally being around more in family time (he previously said downtime as a family drove him mental and he had to escape it)....but he is still fairly down and cold towards me....

does that seem like a logical pattern it may follow?

Snoman · ‎01-09-2015

Hi HeartbrokenWife,

As Geoff said, everyone's experience is different.

In my case, I would have moments or hours when I would start to feel almost euphoric - that feeling you have when you are starting to get over some illness. And in the same way, without sufficient emotional stamina to maintain it.

The recovery phase has lots of ups and downs. Over the months, the good moments would stretch, eventually spanning a few days. At the same time, the down moments usually weren't as bad. I still have the down days, but they tend to be relatively mild. I am grateful that my wife can tell when I am having those days and adjusts her expectations accordingly.

I am becoming more and more like the me I was before in terms of being present, making sensible decisions, able to hold a conversation, laugh with the kids, choosing to do things.

To me it seems like a good sign that his demeanour is changing. I know I was quite grumpy before, becoming quite noticeably better as I improve. It is one of the indicators I use to estimate when I started going downhill. Perhaps he is getting closer to accepting his condition (which I consider to be an important step forward)?

Also, please go back and re-read Geoff's wise insights. Don't push too hard. Listen to your husband and observe how he is reacting and coping.

As for how he is with you, know that I found that showing and coping with emotions was emotionally draining and intense emotions like love for a partner was very draining. Being affectionate with a pet was easier than with the kids, and hardest with my wife. It took quite some time to build the emotional stamina to hug my wife for more than 5 seconds.

Snoman

HeartbrokenWife · ‎02-09-2015

Thanks so much for your reply snoman!

Its so helpful to get an idea of where my expectations should be, and to understand that it's a gradual process makes it easier to continue to support him through it.

it is extremely helpful to know that I should probably expect his general demeanor towards me to be the last thing to change so I'm not caught up taking it personally that everyone else seems to be getting a slightly better side of him.

i really appreciate your insight and advice as it's a topic that is extremely hard to find any information on due to it being such a personal experience for everyone.