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kaydea23
Community Member

I need help with my depressed husband as he is so resistant, stubborn and won't let me in emotionally. He is working a job he hates, due to debts (not HUGE debts, but definitely need to pay off credit cards) and is going through a season of negativity, darkness and depression. Despite hating his job, he is very good at it (lawyer), but hates the life he lives because of his job (he works crazy hours).

We have done lots of couple counselling in the past, and i recommended some resources for him to use now but he is very upfront and said he's not interested in anything. I said I would respect him and be there for him, but it's really taking a toll on me now. I tell him how much I care, and that we are in this together, that i will do what i can to help but he just dwells in this alone and it eats him up. He's an extreme perfectionist, incredibly talented, intelligent, very good looking man, wonderful dad, but hates life. He feels like he is letting himself down because he isn't pursuing something he enjoys, and is wasting his life away while caught in debt. He has been mentioning how much he hates his life and how much he has mucked it up. He is not drinking, no drugs, very with it, head screwed on. Works a high pressure, high profile job. Nothing I'm doing/saying is being acknowledged, but I will try my best to be patient and persist, not get bitter, and keep trying but it's hard not to take it personally. 

His huge sacrifice of working overrides everything. It makes me feel undervalued, because it's as though nothing I can ever do as a full time mother will ever be as big a sacrifice as his, and what he is going through.Not much I do is being appreciated/acknowledged due to the fact that to him, his huge sacrifice of working and living his current life, is incomparable to anything i'm doing/will ever do (currently full time mum and working when I can). He realises this and says I don't deserve to feel under valued. But it keeps happening. Since his sacrifice for the family is so enormous in his eyes (mine too).I mentioned that I can't help him if everything I suggest/recommend is being shoved back in my face, or not being acknowledged.

1 Reply 1

White_Rose
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Dear Kaydea

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. So pleased you have told us your story and I hope we can help and support you.

I am so sorry you are in such a bad space. It sounds very much to me that your husband is using emotional blackmail on you to make himself feel good. He believes he is making a huge sacrifice for his family and wants you to know and remember it 24/7. This is not the action of someone who loves and cares for his family. If his job is so unsatisfying then he should find another job he enjoys. If it is the lifestyle he wants and works as a lawyer because this enables him to have this lifestyle, then he needs to get on with it and not constantly harm you by saying or implying it's your fault. Trying to have his cake and eat it is totally unfair to you.

I expect you are quite shocked at these comments of mine and you are immediately thinking I am talking rubbish. Well, that may be true. I don't know the full story of your marriage. I do know emotional blackmail and domestic violence (DV) when I see it. DV is not necessarily about physical harm. Making a spouse feel useless, stupid, not contributing properly, undervalued, blaming his wife for his unfulfilled life, is DV. He may not fully realise it himself, but I doubt that.

How did you get into debt in the first place? And if it is credit and debt only, surely his salary could pay this off fairly quickly. Lawyers are usually very well paid. Mortgages are something most couples manage for many years.

When you went to counselling, what did he say about your relationship? No need to tell us, just think about it. Did you get the impression he was blaming you and taking no responsibility? I suggest you have a talk to your GP and get a referral to a good psychologist or psychiatrist and talk about your relationship with your husband. It seems to me that this is the first step. It's no good going to any counsellor with your husband as it will make little impression on him and confuse the issue. Get things clear in your own mind first and then take it from there.

I really hope you will consider carefully all the comments I have made and get back to us.

Mary