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He wants space..I don't know what to do
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I believe my boyfriend of almost 7 years (we are both 25 almost 26) is showing signs of depression.
This time last year he broke up with me out of the blue for 3 months and couldn't really say why. When we got back together he still couldn't give me answers but said he was miserable without me and it was a mistake.
I should point out that he lost his dad when he was 22 and that was only a few years ago. This is the time of year his dad started to get ill as well. He said it is nothing to do with that though.
We have been back together since January and are now approaching the time of year that this happened last year and he has told me is is feeling very down all the time and doesn't know why. He is ashamed of the way he feels and doesn't know what to do about it. I have suggested seeing a doctor but he refuses. He said he just wants to get away from everything, it's like the smallest things put him under pressure that he can't cope with.
He has asked me for a few days space to get his head straight and feels he can't do that around me as he feels he owes me answers and can't give me any. He said that he knows I will think he is going to breakup with me again but has said he isn't he just needs to be away from any sort of pressure. I will of course do this for him, but I am finding it very hard to swallow. I love him dearly and would do anything to help him, but right now it's difficult to know what to do.
I also have an underlying fear that he is going to break up with me again because he can't cope or perhaps he is stressing himself out about telling me because he knows I will be heartbroken. I know he has told me he isn't planning on doing that, but I don't feel reassured.
I am giving him space but is it normal for him to want to keep his distance from me for a few days? Or is he showing signs of breaking up with me again? He tells me he loves me and it's him not me, but that doesn't reassure me because I keep thinking he loves me but can't be with me.
Please help - I will do anything to make this right for him. I know I can't take the pain away but I want to save our relationship.
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He broke up with me
said he loves me and that I am his best friend but has to remember howl be happy on his own
the last 2 weeks I've not seen him and he said he's missed me so much and felt so lonely so I can't understand why he's done this
he is seeing his doctor this week as knows he can't go on like this but it hurts so much that after 7 years together he doesn't want me in his life right now
he said he knows we would have a lovely future together but thinks I'm too good for him and doesn't understand why i love him
i love him with all my heart, always have and always will and I know we belong together
i miss him and want him to let me help him but he's shut himself off to me in the hardest way possible by breaking up with me
when he broke up with me this time last year (to the day) he had 3 months without me and told me it was the most miserable time of his life
only a few weeks ago he was telling me that on the day he broke up with me last year, he made the biggest mistake of his life
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dear Worriedgirlfriend, hi, your boyfriend says he wants to be with you and then he wants to break up with you, this is only depression which makes him so confused, he doesn't know what to do.
What you have to remember is that when someone is suffering they actually want someone to be there for them, but then on the other hand they don't want to be with them, it's very confusing, so let me explain my situation.
I didn't want to leave my wife for any length of time, but I really loved it when she took our 2 sons away for the day, I knew she was there, but then she wasn't, but she was always there in the back ground.
Now that he has decided he needs help, he will need some help to get him organised, and probably by you so you have to make the appointments for him to start with, and will need to go with him to see his doctor who will then set up a health plan where he can have 10 free visits to see a psychologist.
I know that he is going to see his doctor as you have said, but he has to get there and not decide not to go.
From what you have said is seems as though he doesn't want to leave you, it's just this horrible illness telling him to say this. Geoff. x
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That said, it's very important at this stage to not get caught up in false hopes. Going back over what you have reported of your boyfriend's behaviour and statements, we see:
* He has tried to end the relationship previously
* He is asking for space
* He is "off" with you
* He is feeling awful about his life
* He has said he needs to remember how to be happy on his own
Removing any suggestion of depression from the equation, because he has not been diagnosed with it, this is the behaviour of a person who does not want to be in a relationship.
Many people confuse 'depression' with feelings of unhappiness, and being in a relationship that is not working for you can cause deep feelings of unhappiness.
As Stef says, the best thing for you to do now is to get support for yourself and move on, and begin the healing process as soon as you can. There's nothing to be gained by holding a candle for someone who has told you they don't want to be with you, no matter what softening statements they have thrown at you about how lovely they think you are.
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Thank you for your comments and advice
Jess I do appreciate what you're saying and maybe I'm just naive but I know this has nothing to do with our relationship. For a start I know he would just tell me if that was the case as last year's breakup felt more that way than this one. He wouldn't do that to me he is a very kind person who I know wants the best for me in life.
I truly believe the relationship has ended due to his depression whether diagnosed or not. He feels constantly sad all of the time, feels on the verge of tears, can't sleep and when he does wakes up very early in the morning and doesn't know how to make himself happy.
Last year ending things only made him worse and that's what both he and all of his family said. When I got in touch with him after the time apart because it was an important day to do so, he said I saved him from the misery he was going through.
I know this is something he has to deal with himself but I want to wait for him. I have sent him a letter telling him how I feel about it all and how proud I am of him for admitting to suffering but don't know if I should now leave the contact to him. He has ended it after all.
What makes it harder is that I know he is going out a lot with friends while I am at home heartbroken. I know this is his way of (not) dealing with things but still makes it tough for me
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