Hate feelings and emotions

[DianeB]

Hello,

I'm turning to you on the forum to understand something with by boyfriend who has depression.

He said he hates feelings, emotions, love and wish to have a relationship avoiding feelings because it's difficult to manage.

Can you help me to understand this?

 Thanks

[JessF]

Hello Diane, at the risk of oversimplifying, this kind of thinking is symptomatic of depression. You can't reason with your boyfriend's emotions or be his counsellor, he is going to have to seek that help for himself, if he wants to. Your choice is whether you can live with somebody who is opening stating that they cannot give you the love you want, or not. The biggest mistake people make in relationships, in my opinion, is thinking that they can change the other person.

[DianeB]

Hi Jess, thanks for your response.

I totally agree with you, we can't change a person, and I'm not trying to change him and to resolve this problem. I know I can't. I just want to try to understand him at my best to be a better support.

I accepted that loving him will be a different experience, somehow interesting too.

[JessF]

"Interesting" is an interesting way to describe it... that's not how I would describe the burden of living with an ongoing mental illness, and I suspect the same of your boyfriend.  If I could push a button and not have to experience the lowest lows and the panic attacks, then I would in a heartbeat. The best I can suggest if you are wanting to understand more is to read and read as much as you can. These pages are filled with people's stories and anecdotes about their lives living with depression, as well as how others have supported their loved ones. 

[DianeB]

No, of course, I wish from deep in my heart that he would not have this illness.

I meant "interesting" more for my side of the relationship. That's something I don't understand and I can't explain but I don't mind that he can't love me as he would like to, because he makes all the little things of a relationship priceless. Knowing the truth about his reality makes a smile, a cuddle or a kiss gold, even though they can be rare. That's enough for me, and that helps me to keep hope during the hard times.

[JessF]

How long have you been together?

[DianeB]

For 7 months. We don't live together, we have our own life and we catch up few times per week.

2 weeks ago he asked me to give him space, he pushed me away and suggested to not catch up for a little while. I respect that and wait until he feels better.

[JessF]

I see. The first six to twelve months of a new relationship are always the most emotionally intense, where we will overlook all our partners faults (or rationalise them as lovable traits) and only see the good bits.  Are you sure what you're describing is to do with his depression? Another thing which I see quite often on here is people who talk about problems in their relationships due to a partner's depression, when more often than not it's just a sad case of a relationship not working out. 

[DianeB]

Yes, I'm sure it's depression. He has had depression for 10 years, and I saw the symptoms from the beginning of the relationship (extremely sad, pessimistic, no interest in life, bad sleep, introvert, tired, sad, feeling worthless, low self-esteem, physical pain and aches, ...). Everything was really fine together, but few stressful events at work and his birthday at the same time made him fall in the black hole. One day he just said he didn't wanted to see anybody and wanted to be alone.

That's why I don't think the problem was the relationship. But he said that day he pushed me away that "our relationship went to a level that is not that equipped for" and it made him feel bad, worthless, shit because he can't manage a relationship. But he said he still want to try with me but he needs time first.

That's why I keep hope that it could work again together.