New to Beyond Blue - my partner has depression.

[LuluRose]

I'm new to Beyond Blue but not to depression. My partner of 10 years was diagnosed with depression around five years ago but it began some 18 months before then. He is under the care of a GP and is taking medication, along with medication for a number of other health conditions. He was the director of a large organisation but was made redundant two years ago. I was extremely worried that the redundancy would send him into a downward spiral but it didn't. He has set up a small business which is very slow but he does get some work with it.

 We have two young adult children living at home. We were both sole parents when we met and merged our two families in 2007. The greatest difficulty the children and I face is that the person we once knew and loved is no longer there. Instead there is a man who is negative almost all the time and has an extremely short fuse. The man I fell in love with is no longer there and while I do not have any plans to leave, at times I could easily walk out and just keep walking. Depression has made him very insular and self centred, selfish even, nothing is ever his "fault" and he is never wrong. He is so far removed from the person I remember. At the moment I'd give almost anything for him to compliment me, it's been a long time. He didn't remember our 10th anniversary recently and it broke my heart.

He isn't seeing a counsellor or psychologist. He had an appointment with a psychiatrist last week but I have no idea how that went. The standard answer when I ask how he got on at the doctor is "fine". I only discovered his psychiatrist appointment by accident, he didn't tell me he was going. When I have asked how he is doing or how I can support him it's the same response, "I'm fine". It feels like he has an invisible brick wall surrounding him that's  impossible to scale. He is going away tomorrow for five days and the kids and I are looking forward to a peaceful time.

I love him very much but at times just cannot like him. I understand it's the depression that is causing this and wish so much that there was a quick fix. I'm hoping this new medication that the psychiatrist prescribed will have some positive effect. 

Thanks for listening. I have one friend who I can discuss our situation with as she is in a similar place. My other friends either know him or are his friends too and it's not fair that I discuss him with them. There just doesn't seem to be a lot of support out there for families .

[geoff]

dear LuluRose, I just can't say how depression will change a person's attitude in life, it will make us less responsive and non-communicating, there are no answers or maybe there are, but no one would ever put their hand up to experience this horrible illness.

It has the ability to destroy what we once had, and as hard as it is for the rest of the family to ask why, it's not our fault, however this doesn't make it any easier for the people who are involved.

You won't get an answer from him when he returns from a session with his doctor, psych or counsellor, simply because well there are a few reasons, they don't want other people even close to know what was said, and they don't want to start a discussion about what was said, so they hold it in within themselves, and by asking question after question isn't going to get a response from him, and actually depressed people hate being asked all these questions, so it's really a catch 22 situation.

Is he going away to a place that you know of, however by wanting to leave for a few days is quite common, but there is a warning here, only because he will keep bringing up all his negative thoughts, because he's not going away to have a holiday or have fun, he's far from that, but I do understand that it would give you and the kids time alone.

I am pleased that you have a friend to talk to ut can I suggest for you to click on 'Resources' at the top of this page and 'order all the printed material' from BB, it's free but is very good in explaining depression.

Please don't forget that when you are trying to cope with someone close who is struggling with depression, is that you're not exempt from also suffering, so can I suggest that you go and see your doctor.

I hope that we can hear back from you. L Geoff. x

[LuluRose]

Thank you for the warm welcome Geoff. I'm glad to have found somewhere I can express my frustrations and have people understand how hard it can be to love and live with someone with depression.

 You mentioned a couple of things that I hadn't really considered which will be helpful.  It has helped to round out my understanding somewhat. The first thing you mentioned was that no-one would ever put up their hand to experience depression. It was something I hadn't ever really considered but is so bleeding obvious. It's something I can use when talking to the kids about their Dad. I guess we all need reminding about the obvious at times. The other thing you mentioned was about me needing to take care of myself and that I was also susceptible to depression. I have a great GP, who is aware of our situation and she always checks in on me.

 My partner left this morning to have a few days away, mainly for work but he has added the weekend onto it as he will be somewhere he loves being. Already the house feels more relaxed which is great for us to have a little breathing space, especially knowing that he is safe and with people that he is going to be working with.

 Thank you again for the welcome. I will request all the printed materials from Beyond Blue. It will be great for the kids to read. 

Warmest regards,

Lulu.