Am I being over the top or are my feelings being devalued?

CtrlAltDelete · ‎06-10-2015

Just a bit of background story first.

I've been with my partner for 10 years now and he has had depression and anxiety for at least 5 years. He doesn't take medication anymore or seeks outside help as he thinks only he can fix it himself. He has been out of a job for two years.

I was diagnosed with depression probably about 12 years ago, and I had been doing ok. I am not a fan of medication myself but have seen it benefit others. I have also seen a counsellor a few times but haven't found one that fits me yet and I can't afford to pay for one either at the moment as money is fairly tight even though I have a full time job.

Anyway...

I came home for lunch as always and ended up in a fight with my partner. I'm not sure how it started, but I told him that it seems like things aren't getting better for him as he still refuses to do stuff that I do all the time for him and it would be nice if he could help out by doing these things for me once in a while. e.g. getting take away, going down to pay rent or doing groceries. But he says his anxiety stops him from doing it. We've had this fight many times and always a few days later he'll say he's doing well. I feel like he's using this as an excuse not do things.

Over the last 6 months or so he's been saying a lot (some not so nice things) about how much weight I've put on 10+ kgs or so. He keeps saying that if I had listened to him ages ago about exercising I wouldn't be so big now. I got very upset and said that things have been hard for me and I've been feeling depressed for a while now and that's why I haven't had energy to work out.

He said that if I had depression there would be no way I could hold on to a full time job and be social with the people I work with. He said if anything I might have a tiny bit of anxiety but nothing most people usual get. I said that there are many degrees of depression and people can hide it very well, especially when they want to keep their job. He doesn't believe me and says that I'm faking!

Anytime that I try to talk about how I feel, he just acts like they're not real feelings or like they don't really matter.

Surely not all symptoms of depression are the same? He says it feels like his chest is tightening and he can't breathe. I get the breathless thing but I tend to just shut down or get angry.

JessF · ‎06-10-2015

Hello CtrlAltDelete, it's unfair to compare one person's experience of depression and anxiety with another. We are all different. That aside, his behaviour towards you sounds less than ideal. While we should always be mindful of illness when we're interacting with loved ones, that doesn't excuse poor behaviour, and his comments about your weight are totally out of line.

Based on what you've said, regarding him refusing outside help so he can 'fix' it himself, it sounds like a classic case of someone who actually wants their problems to continue, they don't actually want to get better. This is a horrible state to be in, I have been there myself, and unfortuantely you can only recognise it once you're out the other side of it. Sometimes a state of victimhood can become comfortable because the alternative - which requires you to actually push your boundaries and make changes in your life - seems far more daunting.

The bottom line is, there will always need to be give and take in a relationship, but when it comes to supporting a partner with a mental illness, you can only support them as far as they're willing to help themselves. And if his non-action around taking responsibility for illness is actually having a direct effect on you, then you need to put your wellbeing first.

CtrlAltDelete · ‎07-10-2015

I had tried to explain to him how some of his comments make me feel and he constantly says I'm overreacting! I try to let him know without getting angry or upset and still he won't listen. Then he tells I don't communicate with him and I should try because he's not a mind reader. I can't win either way.

I have tried to support him for so long and I've made a lot of sacrifices for him and nothing is changing. I think the main reason I'm struggling with my own depression more now, is because I don't feel like he's trying to support me at all. He's always telling me that I should try harder to keep our relationship strong and that I'm the lazy one and that I don't help him around the house. He hasn't done anything to help our relationship apart from telling me what I'm doing wrong.

The thing that frustrates me the most is that whenever we fight he always brings it back to his illness and says that if I'm not able to support him and if I can't handle the fact that he has depression then I should just leave. So I feel like the bad guy who doesn't care.

I just don't know what to do anymore and I can't stand the thought of living this way for the rest of my life.

HyperDave · ‎14-10-2015

Okay so your partner has not worked for 2 years.

Does he do any house work on a regular basis? Do any chores on a regular basis? What does he spend most of his time doing?

Does he contribute in any way to the bills / expenses/ food etc?

And he honestly won't even do anything like go down to the shop for you etc?

CtrlAltDelete · ‎20-10-2015

Hi Hyper Dave, thank you for replying.

He does do some house work, I'll admit that, but I'm talking like washing up once a week and will hang out a couple of loads of washing. On weekends he'll say it's his time off doing stuff and it's my responsibility to do all the house work on the weekend. Mind you, the weekend is my time off from working a full time job. I remember that I missed one weekend and he said that I was lazy and should pick up my game and not take him for granted.

As for contributing to bills etc. he does get centrelink, but I would say that I would pay about 80% or so. That part doesn't bother me too much as I do earn quite a bit more than what he brings in.

And yes he literally will not even go to the shop for me at all! He won't even go for himself, he just sends me out all the time. He used to promise that he would go the next time, but it never happened and I've given up asking as he just thinks I'm being petty.

The thing that upsets me the most is the fact that I'm now 30 years old and I have no social life outside him and there are so many things I want to do before I can't do them. He doesn't want any of it and thinks I should be happy how things are now. He thinks I'm selfish that I want more than this little life.

A few people have said that I need to think about myself and just leave, and I do want to, but I feel guilty and I worry about how he will be able to live on very little money and how he will cope emotionally. I just feel trapped and scared that this will always be my life!

JessF · ‎20-10-2015

CtrlAltDelete said:
I just feel trapped and scared that this will always be my life!

And yet you could change this tomorrow by leaving. I'm not trying to play down your feelings of guilt, by no means, but it's worth recognising for a moment that it is these feelings of guilt that are creating an illusion of entrapment for you. He is an adult man, you are not responsible for him, and it doesn't sound like he feels particularly responsible for you.