Feeling stressed and drained

[BG89]

Well hear go's, I'm seeking some advice on how to manage my own stress and mental state for my current situation.
My wife is bipolar 2 and borderline personality disorder, we have been together for 5 years, there have been ups and downs like everyone but no matter what I love her with everything in me, we have 3 children. Last year my wife had a terrible run with her sister commting suicide and her father dying all within 10 months which has led us to move to her home country, she was off her medication for the last 4 years until last month.


This last few weeks we have moved from Australia to her home country new Zealand but now I have to come back for the next 4 months to finish up my job and stuff hear leaving her over there on her own with not support person and far distance away from any family or friends. I'm so worried and stressed that she is not going to cope, she will have a bad episode and I won't be there to help. she has all ways had problems being upfront to me with not coping or being in a bad mind set, I have my ways of telling if she is in a bad way but being so far away from her has me so messed up right now, iv expressed my concerns and worrys to her but she tells me to tuffen up or deal with it and that does nothing to help how I'm feeling about it. The 2 months leading upto the move I lost 14kg, could hardly sleep or eat without feeling anxious or like I was going to throw up. It went away for a week or 2 while we moved away and set up the new home, but now I'm back in Australia it's all come back. Other than seeing a gp which I plan to do, does anyone have any advice for coping with being so far away from you partner who suffers from these mental health conditions.

Sorry if my post is messy or confusing I'm not very good at this.

[BG89]

So after lots of delays with flights and 2 different 14 day isolations I finally made it up to my wife and family, kids where over the moon to see as was I, my wife on the other hand has told me she enjoyed the last 6 months alone it's better for her mental health if I'm not around and she wants to separate.

She has many reasons and they seem vary depending on the situation, when she is angry I'm the worst person, hates me and she doesn't love me and I'm useless and blame her mental health for everything (this is because I ask questions about how she is going can I help) . If she is being some what compassionate it's because I deserve the kind of love and affection she feels can't give me with her bpd and she wants to be alone forever. It has sent me into a deep depression I'm crying practically every couple of hours also before bed and when I wake up and that's if I'm sleeping, I do my best to hide it in front of the kids but it's getting worse, currently she is upset with me because of how I'm handling this and its making her depressed and is talking to me about it like I'm a hassle after all these years of love and nurture. I admit I was not perfect and I let a busy life get on top of me and my domestic duties slide but I was always there emotionally and supportive of her for her mental conditions and all that came with it. She is the love of my life and my best friend and loosing her is destroying me mentally and emotionally . We have never broken up before and I always felt we could go the distance, she has mentioned it in the last 6 months but only when she was highly stressed and angry but then would change tune when the dust settled, but at the moment it doesn't feel so, she doesn't even seem like the same person anymore. I think being in a new country and new town and no job (not that I could preform at this time) is making it worse as I have no one to help me hear.

[Croix]

Dear BG89~

I'm sorry to hear how things have turned out. You so looked forward to your return and now you find that your wife's attitude has escalated to blame you or at least not want to be with you.

Trying to figure out if it is the extra pressure of the lock-down, or her condition being the cause is probably not going to be easy.

From my point of view it looks like it is all concern for herself that is the worst part. If you are doing such and such, then you are exacerbating her conditon, if you are not hen she feels unpleasant guilt. All taken with the announcement she was better away from you and your illness is bad for her.

Heartbreaking

I guess one-sided would be the best way to describe your relationship, and this has taken a huge toll over the years. Giving for ever is impossible for any human being.

Crying every night, worrying all day, not being fit to cope with a new country, town and job means of course the you need to have proper help, medical and emotional, and thus gradually return to your former capable resilient state.

In fact without being in that state you cannot really help anyone, should you wish to.

May I ask you to consider stepping back and look at your situation, your mental and physical condition, and what it might take to assist you return to the person who is currently buried inside you by anxiety and depression?

Also what you think may happen if you continue on as you are.

Please tell me what your thoughts would be

Croix

[BG89]

Yes one sided is definitely how it feels, I poured my heart out the other night about how I feel and everything but it was no good she just looked straight threw me, which really hurts.
I love and respect her enough to stop pushing to get back together, but it still is making it hard for me to accept, I can't even bring myself to take my wedding ring off. She keeps openly talking about a divorce like its funny thing like today she sead to me she wants to get a cake for a out divorce day and we can share it, of course I got upset and then she got pissed with me because I got upset.

Yes I'm definitely going to seek the help I need I'm just waiting for my vehicle to arrive as I don't t want to be a hassle and get her to take me to and from where I need to go. She is also upset I turned down a job the day I got hear after she told me her plans and I honestly don't think I could handle it at the moment.

She wants to continue to live together for now but I don't know how long that will last for and every time I ask how do you think the kids will take this she just gets really angry and tells me I'm guilt tripping her, maybe I'm wrong but I feel like I was just asking a genuine question. I know I can't go on like this and I do need to try get out of this funk but until I get to the docs I'll just take it one day at a time. I kept all my paperwork from the doctor and psyc I was seeing back in Australia to give to the doctors hear so they have a ruff idea of what I'm dealing with.

[Croix]

Dear BG89~

I wonder if anyone has told you that you get upset at all the things any reasonable loving person would get upset at. It is not a fault in you, or weakness, it is love and care on your part pushing you on and on.

That phrase of yours

"I love and respect her enough to stop pushing to get back together"

I'd be more inclined to say

"I love and respect myself enough to stop pushing to get back together"

Divorce is not a trivial event you conduct over cake, and getting you to stay on seems to me that she does not understand, or does not care, about the gravity of the move.

May I suggest you do not wait for your car to arrive. A fresh perspective now might be very helpful, on the future, and on what your kids will be able to manage.

1800RESPECT -1800 737 732- is another place I'd strongly suggest you talk with. They are professional and practical, annd very experienced.

Croix

[BG89]

Yes I'm definitely going to seek out help for my own mental state in the next few days as I feel like I'm getting worse and worse especially with the crying, even my children are starting to notice as they keep asking me if I'm okay.

The living situation is making me feel strange as well, it's like we are still living the same life but without our old Interactions (hugging, kissing, holding hands) we are still talking and working around the house together the same but at the end of the night after iv out the kids to bed I go and sleep on the couch, some times she will come talk to me and have a tea or other times she will stay in her room. The other thing I'm getting confused with is she is making all these plans for us to do as a family like we are still together and stuff but then she will ask me a question out of the blue like am I going to get married agen or have more kids, I just looked at her like why would you ask me this when I'm in this kind of state.

I think she might be talking to me alot at the moment not just because I'm hear but she has told a small selection of her friends about what she has decided and wants to leave me and they have kind of told her not what she wanted to hear so she has turned all her social media apps and msging off until she wants to talk to them agen.

I'm wondering if she has read all this as well as I caught her going threw my phone and emails just the other day but she has not mentioned anything.

Thanks for listening and your advice other than a friend iv really had no other way to put out how I'm feeling and I really appreciate it.

[Croix]

Dear BG89~

I can well imagine the effect on you of living in the same household without any of those long held signs of affection and intimacy, plus sleeping on the couch like a visitor.

To be told of the divorce, but to be given discussion or announcements of plans, presumably including yourself, for the family in the future is giving you contradictory and very hurtful treatment.

Do you think it might be better if you moved out altogether? At least you would not have to deal with this all the time -even though there is no pretending it would be anything but horrible, at least to start with.

Incidentally changing your name here and starting a new thread may be possible, "Report Post" one of your posts to the Moderators and ask. Nobody would know your new name. I guess it depends on how much you dislike your partner possibly seeing your posts.

I'll repeat 1800RESPECT, I'm sure they would be familiar with this type of half-way situation. In any event getting external help is urgent. Additionally are you getting support from family or friends? Going this alone is incredibly hard.

Dealing with your kids is hard and I guess you have to decide how much to tell them. As they would be young I'm not sure how much that could be.

Please let us know what happens

Croix

[BG89]

Iv booked my self an appointment with the local doctor to discuss my own mental health situation as I'm no better than I was 3 weeks ago, while I'm holding it together better at some points iv found that doing that is just making it harder to keep it together later, my wife is putting pressure on me to get over it so she can stop feeling bad (her words) and I understand she doesn't grasp the full effect of what this is doing to me and iv come to terms that I'll never get the closure on this situation but it still extremely hurts. She is still giving me bits of hope that there is a chance but then she will retract it later and so on.
We had a very tuff and open conversation where I asked some hard questions about things, told her my feelings and told her my concerns for her and also how much I still love her despite all this. When we got home she attempted to harm herself but then I went to check on her and call for help but she accused me of recording her when I got my phone out then when I showed her I was calling for help she told me she was fine and made a joke about it all, so yer it's been a ruff few days as normal lately.
She is still planning things for us as a family and also making plans for her own life but keeps asking me if I'm okay with it. So many mixed signs and messages are not helping me at all.

I'm going to call the number you mentioned in the next few days for a talk.

[Croix]

Dear BG89~

I guess it is the mixed messages that are the worst, plus the fact your wife feels deeply about this enough to self-harm. Wanting you to feel better so she can? Um I'm not sure that is love in any shape or form.

Do you think you can manage those three weeks, particularly as that would be the start, not necessarily an instant fix?

If it starts to get too hard do you have backup plan? Somewhere to go?

Croix

[BG89]

Sadley I have no where to go if things got worse other than to fly back to Australia but for me that's the last resort situation. As bad as she can be towards me she has told me she will let me stay hear as long as I need.

Yes the mixed messages are not helping me at all, I guess I can't even begin to accept what is happening when she keeps giving me that hope it can be worked out.

Iv been told in the past I defend her behaviour and let things slide because of her borderline personality disorder and bipolar, I'm starting to wonder if that's why she is treating me like this because she knows I'll always forgive her and keep loving her.

[Croix]

Dear BG89~

You may be right, giving the benefit of the doubt and putting up with unacceptable behavior reasoning that as she has BPD you ought to let it go.

I'm not sure it is ever to late to establish boundaries. I'm sure she knows you love her, but also that she can think of herself and not you, and that's ok.

Irrespective of the end up result do you think you would feel better ,and maybe improve the situation, by not allowing this, not arguing or asking, but simply sayng "no, that's not acceptable". And if she persists then go in another room, or even to another place, and return later.

There may be some fireworks to start with but if it was me anything would be better than passively accepting such uncertainty.

What do you think?

Croix