Feeling stressed and drained

[BG89]

Well hear go's, I'm seeking some advice on how to manage my own stress and mental state for my current situation.
My wife is bipolar 2 and borderline personality disorder, we have been together for 5 years, there have been ups and downs like everyone but no matter what I love her with everything in me, we have 3 children. Last year my wife had a terrible run with her sister commting suicide and her father dying all within 10 months which has led us to move to her home country, she was off her medication for the last 4 years until last month.


This last few weeks we have moved from Australia to her home country new Zealand but now I have to come back for the next 4 months to finish up my job and stuff hear leaving her over there on her own with not support person and far distance away from any family or friends. I'm so worried and stressed that she is not going to cope, she will have a bad episode and I won't be there to help. she has all ways had problems being upfront to me with not coping or being in a bad mind set, I have my ways of telling if she is in a bad way but being so far away from her has me so messed up right now, iv expressed my concerns and worrys to her but she tells me to tuffen up or deal with it and that does nothing to help how I'm feeling about it. The 2 months leading upto the move I lost 14kg, could hardly sleep or eat without feeling anxious or like I was going to throw up. It went away for a week or 2 while we moved away and set up the new home, but now I'm back in Australia it's all come back. Other than seeing a gp which I plan to do, does anyone have any advice for coping with being so far away from you partner who suffers from these mental health conditions.

Sorry if my post is messy or confusing I'm not very good at this.

[BG89]

So alot has happened recently. After some time and waiting I'm finally able to see the doctor tomorrow and hopfully I can get a referral for some help.

So iv recently discovered that my wife was constantly calling, msging a old flame from her teenage years and he even stayed over twice while I was back In Australia struggling, it just so happened that the timing is exactly when she started going cold on me and claiming I'm a pain for wanting to call and talk, the day after he first stayed over was the day she told me she was wanting space and not shore about us anymore. I'm well aware of how the bpd can make her lock on to someone and that's it, I Confronted her with the evidence and she still denied it and won't even tell me the truth any more only that they are friends, I know they had inappropriate conversations but I'm not aware of anything else I was hoping she would be honest and tell me but also I don't as it would brake me even more.

Am I fool for still deeply loving her and wanting to continue to try earn her favour back? She has completely split me black and devoured me, everything thing I do is wrong and I'm a hassle if I want to talk about it.

She is teasing me with the hope of therepy for her self and maybe couples therepy which if offered my full support and to even pay for her personal therapy as well as ours. I dont believe her thow, she seems to tell me these things to get me to do a favor or something then it will switch agen.

I never knew but it appears to me she is in total control of me and alot of aspects of my life and iv begun to notice I'm very emotionally dependent on her but iv got no self confidence and self esteem anymore. I feel so broken.

She is still getting angry with me if I get emotional which is still multiple times a day but I just go outside now to keep it private.

[Croix]

Dear BG89~

I've spent a while re-reading your thread, I guess it might not urt for you to do so too.

I'm going to be blunt, it looks to me like you are being blamed and manipulated all the time, even to the country in which you find yourself.

The fact manipulation is at all possible is becuse of your loving and forgiving nature, and the fact you are more than mindful of her mental health condition.

I get the feeling you have become her coping strategy for whatever she is unhappy about in life, and takes it out on you.

She has regrettably not been honest and seen someone else at leat twice and has asked for a divorce -while at the same time relying upon your good nature to keep things running without taking any responsibility herself.

She evades talking of the effect on the children either of how things are now, or if you separated.

Apart from a dubious promise of counseling there appears to be no end in sight to your feelings.

Again may I ask you to step back and look at firstly your own condition, the despair, frustration misery and crying, the effect so great you cannot even contemplate a job.

Everyone needs respite in some form or another from adversity, do you think a trial separation without contact for a while might hep you improve your own condition?

Croix

[BG89]

I think a trial separation like that would probably be good for me, I guess once I can accept what is happening (which I'm still struggling to do) then I could look at that idea and try it.

I did try to have another conversation about the effect on the kids and everything else going forward in regards to them and she pretty mutch told me that If I get custody of the kids she will hurt herself. She knows I don't want her to do and would not do that to her, but I feel she is only saying that to stop me from teyi3as she k ows

[BG89]

Sorry for the typing mistake I'll continue.

stop me trying to get the kids, she is very smart and knows how to get me to bend and do what she wants but I will do what's best for the children once I can get myself back I to a good head space.

[Croix]

Dear BG89~

While things remain the same I would imagine, if you were like me, that you would end up with such a huge sense of hopelessness and lack of worth you would not be capable of making changes -well thought out or not.

This is not good way to be for your kids, yourself or even your partner. That is why I posed the question of a trial separation. I would suspect you would be very miserable, but you would not keep on having the same additional pressures heaped on you each day.

As a result you may gain perspective on your current situation.

Being blackmailed with threats of self harm can seem very worrying, my only advise is that if you think there is immediate danger of anyone being harmed you ring emergency services at one.

I was glad to see you had planned on seeing the doctor today, I hope it helped

Croix

[BG89]

So I had my visit to the doc and spoke in length about things and have been referred to get some help that I need and even thow I don't feel ready I have also applied for a job and got a interview, I guess the intention is to like you sead get my head right in this situation and.

We have a few arguments about small things, like she will ask me to do a favor for her and I will as I want to help she will promise to spend some time with me to talk about thing's ill help out and then as soon as iv helped she will change plans on me and leave, she has also found a way to blamb everything that has ever gone wrong in our relationship on me and some how iv accepted that and given apologies, I have no idea how she does it, she definitely knows how to make me tick.

I obviously need to adreess why I get that way myself which I plan on doing.

We looked like things were going good a agen for a few days then suddenly she decided to tell everyone she is single now, changed all her social media and restricted me on them, I'm wondering if she wants me to react to it or not but iv let it go for now even thow it hurts to be led on agen and then let down agen, I'm also shore she is sleeping with some new all ready as she keeps coming up with excuses to go out for a few hours in the night. I know I need to let go but it is really hard and painful. Like you say I need to move out when I can to help myself.

I guess this is more of a rant than a update thanks for listening

[Croix]

Dear BG89~

I'm glad of a couple of things from your post, the first being you are on the road to seeking medical help. All that sacrifice without appreciation will have scarred you, and needs to be put right so you see yourself as the worthy and capable person you are - add also have a true idea if a person is taking advantage of you..

I'm also Please becuse hte tone of your words has changed a little, you are sounding like you want to take care of yourself before a else -a great thing

Rant all you want, it is a very human need.

Croix