Feeling stressed and drained

[BG89]

Well hear go's, I'm seeking some advice on how to manage my own stress and mental state for my current situation.
My wife is bipolar 2 and borderline personality disorder, we have been together for 5 years, there have been ups and downs like everyone but no matter what I love her with everything in me, we have 3 children. Last year my wife had a terrible run with her sister commting suicide and her father dying all within 10 months which has led us to move to her home country, she was off her medication for the last 4 years until last month.


This last few weeks we have moved from Australia to her home country new Zealand but now I have to come back for the next 4 months to finish up my job and stuff hear leaving her over there on her own with not support person and far distance away from any family or friends. I'm so worried and stressed that she is not going to cope, she will have a bad episode and I won't be there to help. she has all ways had problems being upfront to me with not coping or being in a bad mind set, I have my ways of telling if she is in a bad way but being so far away from her has me so messed up right now, iv expressed my concerns and worrys to her but she tells me to tuffen up or deal with it and that does nothing to help how I'm feeling about it. The 2 months leading upto the move I lost 14kg, could hardly sleep or eat without feeling anxious or like I was going to throw up. It went away for a week or 2 while we moved away and set up the new home, but now I'm back in Australia it's all come back. Other than seeing a gp which I plan to do, does anyone have any advice for coping with being so far away from you partner who suffers from these mental health conditions.

Sorry if my post is messy or confusing I'm not very good at this.

[BG89]

So just an update, iv started therapy after being referred by my gp.
I must admit at first I was rather nervous but iv had my first session and I got alot of my chest verbally and to someone that understands. She was doing alot of writtng of notes but I guess that's normal.
I have tried countless times to talk to my wife about my mental health plan and how I'm feeling since mid late last year and since March when it took over me emotionally but she seems to put the conversation off or try change the subject, iv brought this up in my session and I really don't know what to think of that, I understand with her conditions she might not see the reality of how I'm doing or how everything has effected me but yer. It seems after all the years together and me bottling all my emotions in so I can be focused and ready to be there for her it's finally caught up with me.

[Croix]

Dear BG89~

I think it is great you got on well at your first appointment, as for the note writing, many medical people do that , at least they can refresh their memory accurately before seeing you, and not get you mixed up with another.

Mind you they have to talk to you too, not just be a stenographer, so I'll be interested to know your impression, is she offering comments and advice?

Do you think in time it might be worth your wife accompanying you for at least part of a session and have the signs and symptoms together wiht your condition explained by the psych?

Sometimes coming from a professional makes it more real. I did this and made my wife a lot happier.

Croix

[BG89]

The psychologist has been great tbh, she has given me some great recorces and feed back, much like you sead I need to look after my self better and she sead my anxiety and depression is threw roof atm due to being so far away from my wife and kids. My wife is going threw her own ups and downs and I found my own anxiety seems to flow depending on how she is going or how she is communicating with me.

On the days she says she loves me and makes plans for the future together I'm happy as and it feels great, when she is in a bad way she will take it out on me no matter who caused the problem beforehand or what the issue is about, I especially get anxity overload when she says she wants to be alone or wants to leave me and stuff to that effect, even with all the reading about bpd and bipolar iv done it still cuts me deep. Iv got 7 more sessions left with the psychologist and I'll be honest I wish I'd done this sooner.

[Croix]

Dear BG89~

I'm glad the psych is working out. And it is not realy surprising that your ups and downs follow whose of you wife, after all it sounds as if she simply uses you as you are are closest and easiest.

I guess it would be good if two things could happen, your own stress levels were a lot lower, enabling you to cope with her outbursts in a better way, which I hope your psych can help you do. And of course the ideal, that your wife put limits on what she says, do you think that is at all possible?

Croix

[BG89]

I think if I can get better control of my anxiety overall and in the heat of the moment and better handle the outbursts it would be better for us all. When she gets mad she will threaten to leave me which triggers my anxiety big time and that is where it starts for me. unfortunately it's her go to for me to cave in on things.

It's a interesting note my psyc has made that since I first posted on hear and then went to see the doc, then psyc and iv opened up about it all like iv never before, she has been having more outbursts of aggression and says the most hurtful things and then doing things like asking me not to talk to her or msg her for the day or a few but then 2 to 4 hours later she will msg me, I'll reply and then she will say I'm msging to mutch or being obsessive and iv ruined the days study and little things like that but, or she will get really angry over something iv got no control over and take it out on me. I think maybe she is worried that I'm going to leave because of all anxiety and depression I'm going threw due to everyday life as well as her mental health conditions. I'd never do that I love her to mutch and I make shore she knows that I'm allways there for her.

We actually had a great conversation the other night about the behaviour therapy for her bpd and she seems interested in trying that out which is great news I think.

[Croix]

Dear BG89~

I'm probably not telling you anything you do not already but the idea is twofold, to get you so you see waht seems as rocks thrown at you now are just pebbles - in other words your condition and coping powers improve.

The other is just at the moment your wife may wonder if your seeing a psych is a threat to her, that you will no longer put up with her behavour, and may act more extreme as a result.

In time she will come to realise it is no threat, you love her.

Make sense?

Croix

[BG89]

Things have gotten worse, communicatin between me and my wife has gone to crap, the more I tell her about my progress with the psyc, what they are saying about us and myself, just day to day plans in general, it all seems to make things worse. In fact it's the complete opposite of how she made me feel when we got to nz and before I left now I'm being told I shouldn't come back and she wants a separate so she can focus on herself, then she tells me she can't wait for me to come over and be a family, now we are back at her pushing really hard on me to leave, she won't call it off her self she is pushing me to do it and I'm so lost and confused on how to tackle this situation, today I feel as all the progress iv made has gone out the window I feel worse than ever and I'm struggling to see the light in this situation iv done nothing but cry all day and iv been what I can only discribe as light headed and confused, I love her so much but it's causing me so much mental pain at the same time. She is saying she can't get the help she needs unless I brake up with her. I'm sorry for going on about it

[Croix]

Dear BG89~

I guess reading back over your account of things since March it does appear you are not in a relationship that is in any way reliable, but you have to endure wild swings from wishing you gone to wishing you present.

If it is someone you care about -as you do – then such behavior cannot be shrugged off as ‘just one of her moods’ as it hurts too deep. It does not even have a predicted end, but might continue permanently.

Nobody (unless they simply didn’t care at all) could put up with that for any length of time.

Your anxiety may well be made worse by this constant uncertainty and it is doing nothing to help you reduce that condition, quite the opposite.

My anxiety, plus a couple of other things, was not treated until far too late after I’d been invalided out of my stressor (my work). This has made my condition a lot harder to treat. Even now when leading a balanced and good life I’m still under treatment.

So I guess I’d have to ask do you think you can continue as things are permanently?

Also what you think might be the best (realistic not hopeful) set of conditions to help you heal?

I hope to hear from you soon, you a not alone

Croix

[BG89]

It would be up and down like this over many months over the last 5-6 years but since her sisters suicide and her father's death over the last 2 years leading up to this move it has gotten worse, she us pushing me to the point where I don't know If I can emotionally and mentally take it anymore but at the same time I love her deeply and don't blame her for how she is, she knows my boundaries in regards to us and what I would take me to actually leave but she nevers crosses those which deep down makes me feel like she doesn't want me to leave at all.
I guess since iv started the therapy iv woken up to the emotional abuse iv been taking that i never knew I did, she has admitted she needs help and iv been very supportive and active in that which she is now really angry with me about.

Currently we are not talking for a few days which had happened before but normally half way threw she will call me and talk to be complety different to what was being sead 3 days before until she gets upset agen then it's back to this, as you have guessed my anxiety has gotten worse as has my depression as every day I don't what is going to happen or how it's going to be that day. I'm really worried about her and our children I miss them all so mutch

[Croix]

Dear BG89~

When you are married to someone that has a volatile mental condition it can be very had to see what is "normal behavior" and what is over the top. at the same time there is a song urge to blame oneself for accepting the situation and not "handling it". Also of course the worry over separation and the kids.

I think, all things considered, you are doing well. You have sought hep, and it sounds pretty good, not only with a plan but also to give you an idea of what is acceptable behavior and what is not.

I think this will stand you in good stead. With more confidence the boundaries you insist upon now will become more realistic and your wife may well get to see that proper medical care for her is not just an option, but something that has to happen, both for the grief of her loses and her mental health condition.

Of course you miss you family, and worry in their absence, however I do believe you are getting there

Try to take your mind of things as much as you can, is there anything you really enjoy? Reading, movies? model buildings? I've no idea you might like, but having something each day to look forward to does help, as I've found.

Croix