Feeling stressed and drained

[BG89]

Well hear go's, I'm seeking some advice on how to manage my own stress and mental state for my current situation.
My wife is bipolar 2 and borderline personality disorder, we have been together for 5 years, there have been ups and downs like everyone but no matter what I love her with everything in me, we have 3 children. Last year my wife had a terrible run with her sister commting suicide and her father dying all within 10 months which has led us to move to her home country, she was off her medication for the last 4 years until last month.


This last few weeks we have moved from Australia to her home country new Zealand but now I have to come back for the next 4 months to finish up my job and stuff hear leaving her over there on her own with not support person and far distance away from any family or friends. I'm so worried and stressed that she is not going to cope, she will have a bad episode and I won't be there to help. she has all ways had problems being upfront to me with not coping or being in a bad mind set, I have my ways of telling if she is in a bad way but being so far away from her has me so messed up right now, iv expressed my concerns and worrys to her but she tells me to tuffen up or deal with it and that does nothing to help how I'm feeling about it. The 2 months leading upto the move I lost 14kg, could hardly sleep or eat without feeling anxious or like I was going to throw up. It went away for a week or 2 while we moved away and set up the new home, but now I'm back in Australia it's all come back. Other than seeing a gp which I plan to do, does anyone have any advice for coping with being so far away from you partner who suffers from these mental health conditions.

Sorry if my post is messy or confusing I'm not very good at this.

[Croix]

Dear BG89~

Not messy or confused at all, it's pretty clear. So welcome here to the forum, you sound very stressed and coming here is a good idea, it lets you see other perspectives.

I can see your wife, who has bipolar and BPD would be of a very great concern to you, and I have the feeling that you always take it on yourself to be her protector, to talk her down and sooth her fears, as well as try to cope with some of the more excessive symptoms.

Add to that three children to bring up together.

Under normal circumstances I'd hesitate to say all was good, it sounds to me as if you are taking on too much and it is taking its toll on you. Nobody is an inexhaustible well of strenght and help -nobody.

Now you have moved to NZ for her sake, and during the period you knew you were moving your own condition became very poor, losing weight, lost sleep, no appetite and constant grinding worry.

Now she and the kids are over there and you have had to return for a bit, losing whatever hopes you might have had to directly assist her if she were it need it.

There is a sign over passenger seats in aircraft:

Put oxygen mask on self before helping others

You can see where I'm heading, just reading this post I frankly think you are in a worse position than your wife, at least she is back on her medication, and your own welfare should very much be the priority. As a result I'm very pleased your are seeing a GP. A long consultation would be good, and please do not hold back on your condition and feelings, even if tempted to do so. You need to be well and that may itself involve treatment.

My anxiety and other conditions never improved until I had competent medical help.

Beyond Blue has a lot of advice on anxiety, have a browse all around:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/anxiety/treatments-for-anxiety/anxiety-management-strategies

In addition many people say what has helped them in this thread:

Forums / Anxiety / SELF HELP TIPS FOR MANAGING ANXIETY

I would like it if you came back and talked some more, there is a lot to try

Croix

[quirkywords]

BG89,

I welcome you to the forum and found your post very well expressed, detailed and moving.

Croix has written a through helpful and support reply so I wont repeat his suggestions.

I have had bipolar for over 40 years and I have also been a carer for a close friend and family member.

AS Croix explained you need to look after yourself . I learnt this the hard way when being listed as a next of kin for a friend who was in a mental health unit. I was so busy helping her that I became very run down. Luckily I realised what happened in time and received help.

When you see your GP if you feel a bit awkward explaining what has happened you could cut and paste your post (edit it if you need be) and read it to the gp or even show him your notes. I often take note to the GP because when I get there my mind often goes blank and I walk out later thinking why didn't I say this or that.

Thanks for your honesty

Quirky

[BG89]

Thank you for your reply and advice I really appreciate it, I'm going to check out the fourm pages you mentioned and I'll also see my gp once I get the courage to do so, I won't lie i feel embarrassed (which I know I shouldn't be) and nervous to see my gp but I know need i to in order to get my stress and anxiety under control. I'm talking with my wife as often as possible as well with out going over board which for me helps.
Its nice to hear from someone who understands what I'm saying iv tried to talk to the few friends I have left and some family but none of them seem to understand in my opinion the seriousness and reasons why I feel this way and there advice is normally you will be ok, it will pass, don't be so over protective which is i guess why I don't talk to anyone about it.

[Croix]

Dear BG89~

I guess the best way to look at is is that GPs are used to these sort of scenarios, they are far from rare. Some GPs actually take an interest in mental conditions and can steer one pretty well towards what one needs. If you get a chance ask for one of these.

Yes it is embarrassing, and I found frightening too, however that embarrassment is fleeing, and if you follow Quirky's advice and take your time, write everything down first, than hand the paper over you will find it a lot easier that you thought - plus it gives the doctor the complete picture, something hard to get face to face.

I was quite capable of forgetting something important, or downplaying/leaving out something frightening or embarrassing. Doing this was not helpful as to treat a condition one has to know the problem, not just bits of it.

I'm glad talking with your wife helps, though I'd guess even here it is a balancing act, not delving too deeply.

Please let us know how you get on

Croix

[Sweesoft]

Hello, I am just new here and I come across this thread. Reading your experience/s brings chills to me, such condition is not easy at all. I am anxious all the time and afraid that i would end up having such condition. Thank you for sharing.

[BG89]

Well iv finally booked the appointment I so really need right now. As I feared my wife being in lockdown with 3 kids and full time study and no help has not gone the best, currently I'm the foucs of her rage and anger, Im felt to be a hassle or a pain in the ass if I want to call or talk to her or our kids unless she msgs or calls first, over Easter all I got was a 2 minute conversation with her and my kids. It made me feel so shit iv been stuck in a depressed rutt ever since. Finding my self fighting tears back at home, work, in my car, even now as I admit it all typing this. We had no problems other than minor marriage house hold stuff before this and now ever since she is in lockdown over there and under alot of stress I'm getting hit with it all. I know she is off her medication and I can see the wine bottles starting to pile up in the kitchen. I'm so anxious and stressed about how she is going and how the kids are but unfortunately until she in a calm state I wont be able to know. Riding the waves of her bpd has been so challenging over the years iv seen her paint a few people black now I fear it's finally my turn, and if so I don't know how I will make it out of this emotionally.

[Croix]

Dear BG89~

As you said, it's riding the waves, at her worst nobody is going to get near. I would expect that you are the closes person to hit out at when she is in lock down, so you cop it.

I'm glad you've booked that appointment. However it seems to you at the moment you do not have to face this alone.

You know what to aim for, get her off the bottles and back on meds under her doctor. A ray of hope. Getting there won't be easy whch is why your welfare has to come first, you need big coping skills to even contemplate the future with her.

Please let us know how your appointment goes, and if you think that it will be too hard to explain face to face then write it all down (or show all your posts)

Croix

[BG89]

I finally had my appointment today, as I expected I broke down before I even got in there and I broke down while I was in there, I told my doctor everything that's been happening and how iv been feeling the last few months, she has proscribed me medication and instructed me to continue to visit every week and has even offered to help set up a plan for me and how I can cope with my wife and her conditions while I'm hear and once I get over there.

Iv told my wife she took it some what well and supportive, I was actually really worried she would think I'm weak and useless now and leave me as iv read some bpd leave once they think they have broken you. I truly and deeply love her and would never leave her despite all the nasty things her condition makes her say or act, she knows this and I hope it's enough for her to stay around. My doctor sead she thinks my self esteem has be ground down over the years and is why I feel so anxious about our marriage. I'd like to thank you for you wise words and help.

[Croix]

Dear BG89~

I could no t have hoped for better news. It sounds as if you have found a doctor who is understanding and cooperative. I expect she is quite right about your self-esteem, after all you are a very worthy and steadfast person.

I would not take things you have read about BPD seriously , that is quite a different illness from Bipolar 2. I made that mistake too some time ago. Apart from that you cannot group peple by their illness, everyone is different. If she is supportive now then that's a real win.

With many people, myself included, the first mediation was not exactly right, in fact I went through a number to find the right one. Being offered a plan is probably a good idea, you have a lot on your mind and sharing it can really help, as can the therapy that comes wiht the plan.

Please let us know how you get on -and do not be easily discouraged, if you start to feel bad on these meds contact your doctor and discus it.

Croix