feeling confused: partner is depressed and so am i

[caitlinsarah]

My partner has suffered from depression and anxiety for the past 4 years and in the last few months I'm struggling to cope. He goes through periods of not showering or leaving the house for days. I know its not his fault but I find it frustrating when I work and he doesn't yet I still have to do everything around the house. He also has anger problems and is recently finding everything I do frustrating and annoying. I try everything to help but nothing does. I try anything to increase his confidence or do anything that I can think of to make him happy but its always short lived. I am finding it more and more difficult to be happy in this relationship. I feel upset and down all the time and am worried that I may be suffering from depression too. I have read that family members suffering from depression can increase your chances of having depression and am scared this is happening to me. I have lost all motivation for uni and work I sleep at least 14 hours a day and feel like everyday is a struggle and what is the point in trying anymore. We have stopped having sex because I just don't feel like it anymore and my confidence has significantly decreased. I never go and see my friends or family. I don't know what to do I love him but how it is at the moment isn't working.

Any advice?

[White_Rose]

Dear Caitlinsarah

I am so pleased you have posted on this site. Welcome and I trust you will find some help and comfort here.

May I start by asking you some questions? It helps if we can understand a bit of background. Does your partner have any medical support for his depression? If not, can you get him to see his GP who can prescribe antidepressants if necessary and refer him to a psychologist or psychiatrist. Four years is long time to be as depressed as he sounds without getting any help. It's still a long time even if he is receiving help.

I would also suggest that you see your GP and explain the situation. While being depressed is not nice, caring for and supporting a partner with depression is also a difficult place to be. So take care of yourself even if only to be able to help your partner.

At the top of this page are several tabs which are worthwhile exploring. You can find a huge amount of information on depression, including information on assisting someone with depression. If you do not have a regular GP or would like to talk to someone different you can find a list of GPs who have experience in managing mental illness. Hopefully you can one a doctor in your area.

Bad temper and anger can both be symptoms of depression. The person is so frustrated about their life that the only way they have to express it is through anger. However, that does not mean you should be the target of this anger. When your partner is in a calmer mood it may be a good idea to tell him how his moods are affecting you. I appreciate this is a difficult thing to do in any situation. And making sure he does not feel you are attacking him is more difficult. But he does need to understand you cannot be on the receiving end of his anger if you are to help him.

Your description of your symptoms does concern me as you are obviously getting exhausted. This is not good for you generally or your study. Start with yourself, see your GP and do the tasks you need to do not the tasks you set yourself because your partner is unwell.

It may be a bit radical, but have you thought of making some rules? e.g. He can only sleep in your bed if he showers daily. Getting showered and dressed daily is an exercise in motivation and one of the basic ways of getting on the recovery road. Insist he eat at least one meal a day and both of you wash up afterwards.

These are small steps but it is by taking small steps he will get well. The same for you. Attend to your needs first.

Regards

LING