Did he fall out of love because of his depression

[Deja_Vu]

My boyfriend left me. We've been together for nearly 3 years. He was my best friend. I love him so much.
Througout 2018 he was depressed. The worst parts were in may june and novemember. We had a lovely christmas

This all started since he started talking about how he intentionally pushes people away, doesnt understand why anyone would have anything to do with him, and how he bullies people out of liking him and away from him. I told him ive noticed the ladder and i asked him if he could stop it and he said "no".
Turns out its because he doesnt want to talk with me anymore, he wants nothing to do with me and that he hasnt wanted to spend time with me for 3 to 4 months. He would have been in a bad place when he stopped liking me.

I asked him if he cares about me: "I dont really care about anything"
Asked if he cared about me as a friend: "I dont know". Asked him if he trusted me: "i guess". I asked him if keeping our relationship up was too much emotional effort and he said "yep". He said he stopped liking me. Asked him if he loved me: "I cant say i do anymore". He said he cant do anything about the fact that he doesn't love me anymore. Concerning our relationship, he tried to keep it going for aslong as he could but he cant.

He doesn't understand why im upset. He doesn't care that i'll miss him and that i dont want to loose him. He used to be adoring and caring but since christmas, he has been unsympathetic, uninterested (ik he's not cheating), critical and judgemental. I thought it was just because he was depressed (he acts like this when depressed) but he says he's happy because he doesnt care about anything anymore.

He said he only wants to talk to me and care about me when he's stoned. He smokes pot to deal with his issues temporially. When he's stoned he loves me. He's a trainwreck.
I knew him before he was depressed and we were very close friends. Sure he had issues but it was never as bad as it was in 2018. He was smart and sharp and funny. He has a bad family background. No father and the only relationships that have been modeled to him are loveless and dysfunctional. He pretty much raised himself from age 11 upwards. That might make me sound like a fixer upper but im not.

He promised me that if he misses me or wants to reconnect that he will. He promised me that if he needs me he'll reconnect. He promised that he will talk to me. Is there any hope for improvement or another relationship?
Did he fall out of love because of his issues or ?

[Miss_understanding]

Sorry to interrupt this conversation but I have been following the conversation and I am in a similar position with my partner I was just wondering Croix how did you come to getting help? I’m trying to be so supportive of my partner but he is being so selfish and can’t see it and I am understanding and patient with him is there anyway I can convince him to seek professional help? How did your partner stay so supportive without getting upset and angry with you?

thankyou.

[Deja_Vu]

I'm an anxious worrier, so telling myself that everything is going to be okay eventually stops me from doing that. So looking at things with hope instead of anxious worry.

I consider him getting help, stabilising, treatment and him being able to over come or cope with the depression is part of the good possibility.

I'm definitely also aiming for his improvement.

I don't like bringing it up since it makes me feel like I'm nagging him and it usually upsets him. I don't want to upset him but I don't want to enable this either.

In those periods, where he's doing better, he has some sort of self awareness where he knows hes depressed and that it needs to be dealt with it but I think his bad self esteem and self worth sabotages it or he minimises how bad it is. What really helped is the doctor telling him that it was severe since before that, he didn't really want to admit there was something wrong. I guess the first step to tackling a problem is acknowledging the problem.

@Miss understanding: no worries, feel free to join in.

[Croix]

Dear Miss understanding (with a wave to Deja Vue)~

You have asked some difficult questions, I'll do my best to answer, though you are going to find part of it upsetting.

I'll start with my wife and why she kept going. Basically I was blessed and she was much stronger person than I'd ever given her credit for, she loved me and up until I became ill she knoew I loved her, no doubts.

At first she thought she was at least in part to blame, however later she came to understand this was far from the truth. She had her mum close by for support (I really hope you have someone there for you) plus she could see that I knew I was hurting her and sometimes would try to show appreciation maybe offer her a cuppa.

Other times I'd snarl or be resentful or push her away and want to be alone.

Not easy, no guide book, no way of predicting what I'd do if she asked something simple like how I was. Still, those offers to show I knew I was hurtful were something to hold on to. Of course she was very hurt and did on occasions get very angry.

I was not being selfish. Depression and anxiety & PTSD drove all thoughts of others out of my head except to say I had failed them and they would be better off without me.

I was suicidal but due to a particular event realized that my thoughts were not my own, they were depression. I told my wife of the suicidal matters, she got me to the psychiatrist, I went into hospital. I do not want to give more details about this in a non-suicidal section of this forum. Also I am not suggesting your partner is suicidal.

I sought help -in my case from my wife, it was the start. I do not know how you get your partner to get help. As the person that knows him most you have the best chance of guiding him, or of maybe knowing someone he holds in high regard who can persuade him.

People have tried all sorts of tactics, from appeals that one is hurting or the children are being affected to threats to leave ( I specifically am not suggesting you do any of these). Everyone is different, the only common factor is the person has to want help and cooperate with it.

Croix

[Croix]

Dear Deva Vu~

Thanks for coming back, particularly as you my consider my words have been (and probably will continue to be) pushy. You said in part:

I don't like bringing it up since it makes me feel like I'm nagging him
and it usually upsets him. I don't want to upset him but I don't want to
enable this either.

Look, I can understand that, however I think you have to ask yourself what is realistic. His periods away are getting longer, maybe indication deterioration both of your relationship and his condition. He relies upon weed which will affect any medication he is prescribed, and he shows no signs of getting help for himself. A miserable life for both of you. He is just 'existing'.

Pointing this out may indeed upset him further, however maybe that is needed. After all you are not being accusatory or trying to hurt him, quite the opposite.

Accepting his behavior as it is will do neither of you a favor. I'm hesitant to suggest any particular course of action as I'm not a doctor, just someone who has been thought this and came to see for myself I needed big help.

I'd suggest seeing his GP - or ringing our 24/7 Help Line on 1300 22 4636 and seeking professional advice.

I suspect it may well end up down to you to persuade him he needs and wants help. Please see what they say.

Do you think that might be a start?

Croix

[brokenheartedandlost]

I’m sorry I don’t have much to say to help you, I’m not in a good place atm but your story rings true with things I’m dealing with right now.

ive recently(last week) separated from my wife(13 years married 😎 and I feel she is shutting me out. Getting herself ready for divorce and doesn’t want to “fight” for us anymore.

She is depressed(undiagnosed) and drinks heavily to cope. I’ve suggested she talks to someone but says she doesn’t want to. This is going back to the beginning of the issues.

I though she just needs time to realise things will get better but 8-10 months later she tells me she wants to get divorced. This crushed my world.

She he said she tried to tell me things weren’t great but I can honestly say I knew things weren’t the best but not his bad.

Thankyou for sharing. I hope I get in a place where I can give you some advise. It’s just not right now :’( Please take care.

im seeing a doctor to get a Mental Health Plan and hopefully soon I’m in a postition to give more constructive help. At the moment I can only share my story and hope you know your not alone.

apologies if this doesn’t make sense my head is extremely foggy atm.

[Deja_Vu]

Yea no worries brokenheartedandlost, this stuff is hard and awful. It's good that you're getting help 🙂

And thank you for the advice Croix.

So it's hit the 6 month mark. Not much has happened. He's not back in contact. It's also been a year since that big block of depression started. So he's been consistently severely depressed since late novemeber last year.

He blocked me on twitter which is kinda ironic because it mirrors what happened the first time he disappeared. So it's dejavu. We still have a trillion other ways of getting in touch but he hasn't reached out yet. This is pretty much just like that other time.

Honestly sometimes I feel like this "disappearing" will go on for every and that I'm going to lose him (not in a suicide way but in him never making contact with me). Last time he came from "disappearing", he said that he'd try and keep to a few days max. This hasn't happened and i'm not angry or upset. It was never gonna happen but it came from a good place and that means alot to me. He was in a spot of clarity.
In feb so the stuff that kickstarted the creation of this thread, he said that when he wants to talk to me and spend time with me, he will. He knows that I'm 100% fine with reaching out to me again and that i'll definitely be there for him.
I know him talking to me eventually is guaranteed pretty much. Even if it's just as friends and even if it might take a long time.

I just hope to god that in the 6 months he's been visiting a therapist or something in the vein. He's always been gone for a month or less. This time it's 6 months and it makes me worry that height be ghosting me. But were he not depressed, none of this would be an issue and he wouldn't have "disappeared" for 6 months. I just want him to be alright.

A friend of mine told me that I should leave him if he's been gone for that long and that I don't really know why this is happening and that last part is true. I'll only know if I ask him. I know that if he wanted to end the relationship he would instead of just ghosting me.
That friend for context had an ex who ghosted him for also half a year but it was clear for both of them that it was the end of the relationship. Whereas for us, every time he "dissapears", we both know he's going to come back. Well I only know that in retrospect but yea.

He probably won't be around for Christmas and that really sucks. I miss him alot. I'm sorry if this is very rambly.

[Croix]

Dear Deja Vu~

Welcome back and I'm very sorry to hear things have not changed.

Frankly, although your BF may had depression or some other illness it is you I'm worried about. To go for so long, and to do this consistently , with only a vague hope things will improve seems to me to be a life spent waiting.

I'm going to be blunt, simply as I believe it is the only way to talk to you honestly.

I can appreciate if a person is in -say- the Navy, then there may be long periods of separation, not good but at least you know both the reason and the probable date you will be together again.

Really speaking you know neither but have spent a considerable portion of your life 'on hold'. A relationship is two supportive caring people, not one plus a hope.

I think the time has come for you to seriously look at your own motives for this, and that might not be very easy. Do you think this is reasonable, and if so what might be the best way of going about it?

Croix

[Deja_Vu]

He got in contact with me today.

He said that a lot has happened in his life and that he needs to move on. He wants to start over in life.
He said that i've been nothing but good to me and appreciates our time. He also told me that I never did anything wrong.
He just can't think back to all the stuff that has happened in the last couple of years and that he needs to forget it all and move on.
He also had to put his dog down which has affected him a lot. He doesn't have a therapist yet but he's doing better and is planning on getting his life back on track. He is also doing better financially.

I'm at peace with what he told me but it also hurts a lot. At least he's still going to be in my life as a good friend.
There's two things that can happen, we stay close friends or in the future we get back together again. I'm definitely not getting back together again if he doesn't deal with his issues. We'll see what happens :). Time reveals all things

I still love him and care about him. I am a bit worried that since our relationship has changed that we'll be less close. Before the relationship, we were joined at the hip. We were also joined at the hip during the relationship.


I'll ask him tomorrow about what he thinks the future holds

Just wanted to add something which I forgot to add, I recently had my first therapist appointment.

[Deja_Vu]

I feel like the news hasn't set properly into my mind.

[Croix]

Dear Deja Vu~

It's good to hear from you and I'm pleased about a couple of things you said. You have a clear statement from him that your original relationship is over, and you are going to see a therapist.

No it will probably not have set in your mind as yet, and that is why I get the feeling you still hope the original relationship will return, or at least you will have a life in which he features quite largely. There is a third alternative you did not mention (and here I"m sorry to be blunt) and that is in time you will drift apart.

Really it will be hard, you have been in a sort of 'holding pattern', waiting for him. Now perhaps, while not ignoring him, might be the time to expand your social life and try to no longer see him as being at the center of things.

You have intelligence, caring , patience and loyalty, all things to offer, and it would be very sad if you did not find someone else who returns those in full measure.

Please let us know how you get on, hopefully the therapist will be someone you can "click" with and will be a help

Croix