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Could my husband be depressed?
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Hi,
This is my first post here, and I just wanted to seek some advice from people who have some experience (personally or otherwise) of depression.
My husband and are in our early 30s and have been happily married for almost 10 years. We've always been a very loving and caring couple. About six months ago I noticed a change in my husband, he seemed tired, withdrawn and not able to enjoy things. But he had been a very stressful job for the past two years and I had just managed to convince him to leave that job, and I thought he was just dealing with work stress and that it would soon be over. But things got worse and when I pushed him to talk about it, he said he'd been unhappy for sometime with his life and even our relationship. Since then I've talked to him about his feelings, how I am always there for him, but he has continued to be withdrawn and very different. He doesn't want to talk to friends or family, doesn't enjoy most things, is down on himself, says I deserve better than someone like him, has lost interest in food and our pets, is now very absent minded and forgetful, is always tired, sleeping more. He says his feelings for me have changed and that he doesn't see that improving, and basically that I should go and start a new life. It's all come so suddenly and he hasn't really given me a reason. He reluctantly agreed to couples counselling which I got with a clinical psychologist. We went to 2 sessions, and he said he was just unhappy in our marriage and that he doesn't love me anymore. He didn't raise any of the other behavioural changes, and I only mentioned one or two things as I didn't want to seem like I was criticising him. He keeps saying he needs to be on his own and sort out his life on his own. I don't know what to do. It's been 4 months now. Last week I finally moved out to give him space and he's pretty sure he doesn't want me to come back. But I'm really worried about him. It's really hard when he says there's nothing wrong and that he just doesn't love me anymore, I feel he's just saying this to move me on so he can be alone. He was the most loving husband so it just doesn't make sense.
Does this sound like it could be depression? I'd hoped the sessions with the psychologist would've delved in to this but he didn't show his feelings there. I don't know whether I should just respect his decision to be left alone or whether I should push him to seek help. He doesn't have any close friends (only one mutual friend who he has pulled away from) and I'm really the only person he shared his inner feelings with for a long time. I've spoken to his dad and asked him to talk to him, but they are not that close, and I fear my husband will just push him away too. Is depression something the sufferer needs to acknowledge on their own? Or can I do more to help?
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Hi Jess,
Thanks for your reply! Yes, that's what I've been trying to do - give him space but also making sure he knows I'm here for him as a friend. We did get together quite young (19/20) and married at 25. We've been the best of friends and so in love. That's why this has come as such a shock. It's not as though our relationship deteriorated gradually. And he is suddenly different in so many aspects of his life, even falling behind on things at work which is very unlike him. But as you say, perhaps all this is a result of his wanting to separate. But I feel like his mind is elsewhere, and he really wants to withdraw from everyone and everything, not just me. He seems sad to let me go but it's almost like he has no choice. When I finally left, distraught and saying I really don't want to lose him, he looked so sad but like he had no choice. If it is depression, then I want to make sure I get him the help he needs.
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Thanks JessF! I've been thinking I should start seeing a counsellor.
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First of all I'd like to say that getting counselling for yourself is a very good idea, because this must be devastating for you. Even he is depressed he should've been honest with you, didn't you both said "in sickness and in health" in your vows??
I have been struggling with depression all in my life, but that hasn't stop me being upfront with my husband. I think you deserve better than this. It's good that you offer him support, but if I was you I would move on.
It's a very sad story, I feel for you too.
Be kind to yourself, because you worth it.
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dear Bbz, this is a sad and unfortunate part in being depressed, in that we want to be alone, that's all good but we don't get any better unless we start counselling of any type, and by being by ourselves why would we want to do this, because it rarely happens unless we are encouraged to.
Keep your distance from him, but I would try and persuade him to contact his doctor, but he may want a bit of help to do this.
Depression alone stays alone. L Geoff. x