Childhood Sweetheart Lost in Depression

Childhood_Love1990 · ‎16-01-2015

I have been trying to understand what has happened to my partner of 6 years.12 months ago he started to show signs of a change in behavior, I didn't understand only that he was blaming me for being up and down or yelling at the children, blame blame, I am not happy he says.he up and left without warning, he returned 6 weeks later and life carried on. when I look back I see that the cracks when he returned would appear and then disappear in his behavior, his drinking would escalate, his anger would escalate, he would settle down and become happy again and this pattern continued. 6 months ago, just prior to him turning 40 he dropped the bomb, he was leaving, he didn't go, he did it again but this time he left. I was gutted and in shock. I didn't see it coming. Here was a man who had literally changed overnight, he had become angry, he had become withdrawn, he was detached, he left and cut us off. I begged I pleaded, I did everything but he wont come home. He has changed, he wont come to the house, he has withdrawn from any trace of our life together. He acts angry, then he cries, he wont reconcile, he doesn't love me he says, the feelings have changed. He goes in waves and motions from crying to anger, to blame, to anger, passing blame for what was happening to him. He has shut down from responsibilities to the relationship He cant see the hurt he has put me through, he wont let me support him, he finally told me he is depressed, that he has demons, never dealt with his ex wife having an affair, he never got answers he said we are the collateral damage of this, he said that he doesn't love me anymore and that is why we wont come home, his feelings have changed, he cant reconnect.I tried to talk to him about the symptoms of depression, I asked him to let me help him he wont..He cries as to how our life came to this. he doesn't understand,he has a new friend he claims who is someone to talk to, that hurts.He is detached, he wont see through the fog.I have to walk away and take care of my daughter and believe that he may realize what he has lost.

I have lost my best friend

Childhood_Love1990 · ‎17-01-2015

Someone tell me when the fog clears will be see the damage? I have now put the house on the market

gibby3794 · ‎17-01-2015

hi childhood love1990 it was brave of you to come here and post, im only going to be able to help by what ive seen happen with other relationships etc as im only 20 and only been in 1 relationship that was only 3 months LOL....

i personally dont think you should sell the house unless you really have to financially, might be having a midlife crisis and if that is the case he probably thinks he doesnt love you or anything when he does and will come back to you (if you decide you will take him back) when he realizes what his done,

you may not want to hear this but, there is also the case where he genuinely doesnt love you anymore and he wont come back unless yous start a brand new relationship (living separate dating)

its really hard to give advice on this subject as it is about how he feels now,

with the depression he might now also believe that he is not good enough for you and because of his last relationship he will be thinking you will cheat on him...

do you know if he is on medication/ seeing a psych? and do you know if he is self medicating with drugs as well as the alcohol?

often if he is drinking/doing drugs the alcohol and drugs will take over him so he wont care about anyone or anything but the drugs and alcohol

this probably isnt the most help but as i said above i havent really been in a relationship

im going to leave it at that for now but looking to hear how you are coping with it all

Neil_1 · ‎17-01-2015

Dear Childhood Love

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for sharing your post.

Oh wow, what a time you've had to go through over this last year or so. You know, I'm truly amazed that you actually were the one who stayed. From what you've described, it could well have been you who moved out and away from your partner; simply due to the awful way he had been treating you.

Do you have any family or friends who are close by? Someone who you could perhaps lean on - as at the moment, everything is all very raw and hard to deal with; and I think you really do need support on hand.

For immediate kind of support, you can go 'on-line' here; on the web chat (see at the top of each page in Beyond Blue) or even dial their phone number; just if you feel you need some support right now; kind of thing.

Will he see the damage when the fog clears? Perhaps. BUT, if he's not going to seek out any help for himself, then the fog will not clear for a long long time. I can understand how frustrating it all must be for you; in trying to help him but he won't accept any.

But for now, you need to look after yourself and your daughter - and I think a possible visit to a GP might be a good way to go for you - to get some professional kind of support for yourself. Do you think that might be possible?

I do hope I've mentioned something that has been a bit helpful and would really like to hear back from you.

Kind regards

Neil

Childhood_Love1990 · ‎17-01-2015

Hi there and thank you for your responses, his drinking has increased and this is the second time he has left, it's been 6 months since he went and he finally told me that he is seeing a counsellor, it doesn't change his view on coming back and it's sad because we had a great life and he was happy for a long time. I know he has issues and he tells me he is dealing with them, I've decided to push now for the house to be sold so I can relocate back to where my family are. It's hard to believe that his love is lost when only a week or so before he left he was I guess connected, I never saw it coming but I guess he had been pondering over it for a while, it's hard to understand his mindset and he is seeing a counsellor, he said he never wanted me there so I was fighting a different fight to him, I was trying to save us and he had let go, the hardest I guess is I was the closest one to him and he has pushed me away, his behaviour is different, he won't even help me relocate or sort out the house, he is so detached, yet for all these years he looked after the responsibilities of his family and now he doesn't care, he told me he hates his job yet he loved his business, he said he isn't happy and that he didn't know where he would be in a month or a year, this was a stable man who loved his family and now he is just letting it all go, he acts as if we don't exist. He has never once hassled me seriously to sell and he still pays for most of the household stuff but he just won't come home and I just don't know how his feelings have gone because his words say that but his actions differ, I wonder if it is some sort of mid life crisis and depression because I did notice a change in his behaviour. Life sucks lemons sometimes

geoff · ‎18-01-2015

dear Childhood Love, I hope that you are checking on the post you sent in, and it's a sad post, where I see a young family broken up by one person having depression.

At the moment he is not well, and this could be for any reason and it certainly doesn't mean that it's caused by you, because there could be many other factors.

Obviously the counsellor is the person he's talking to, which is good for him, but at the moment doesn't solve the problem you are facing.

If he is using alcohol as a self medication, then in the long run this is not going to help him, as I used it and now I live alone, plus the house was also sold.

Y

geoff · ‎18-01-2015

dear Childhood Love, I had typed you a reply but I lost it, so I will try again later on, sorry. L Geoff. x

geoff · ‎18-01-2015

dear CHL, I'm sorry about all of this, but your main interest is to look after yourself and your daughter, that's first on your list, and then if you feel worried about the house, then do as you are doing sell the house.

If he continues with his help and then overcomes his depression, and then comes back to you, another house could be bought again, but I don't know whether this will happen, as you have to remember once someone has had depression it never leaves us, as we are prone to have it again.

It's never easy for someone we love to move out, as love and compassion is what we all desire in life. L Geoff. x

Childhood_Love1990 · ‎18-01-2015

Hi geofd

I guess the hardest part is that he stopped believing in us and then in himself, we shared a lot and we were close and in the end he failed to see it, he couldn't reconnect, he couldn't see the good times and that I would have supported him and we had history dating in highschool and then meeting again 20 years later, I thought we had solid foundation and we were very much alike. It's hurts like hell to hear that he can't reconnect and that he doesn't love me anymore because our love was real and for a long time he showed that. That's the hardest that the love I thought we had would have been able to conquer anything. I've tried to get him to reconnect and spend time with us slowly but he just keeps saying it will never be the same. Is this part of the depression, loosing that love, loosing that connection to what once made him so complete?

puska · ‎21-01-2015

Hi Childhood Love,

What a woman you are - so incredibly brave. Well done!

I am sincerely sorry to hear about your situation and your partners difficulties.

No matter how he feels you do not deserve to be treated so unkindly. It is important that your little girl does not get to see her mum being illtreated and her dad in so much pain.

Good on you for being proactive about being close to your family. Loving support will be good for your little girl and for you and you won't feel so alone.

Depression may manifest in ways where a person disconnects not only from relationships but from life itself. I curled up in a ball, stopped going out of the house, stopped talking. It was a long hard road back but my depression came from years of stealth abuse. I was not aware of what was happening and it was my illness that began my road to recovery. So while we tend to see depression in a very negative way it can actually be a good thing in that once we are aware it can signal the start of the need to heal and recover. In your partner's case his previous marriage and possibly other issues.

Right now your priority is your little girl and you and unfortunately he is not well enough to be with either of you as a result of his drinking and abuse.

Keep yourself busy, especially with your little girl and things that make you happy.

Join some community groups, meet new people, develop new interests, make new friends.

Your partner has a lot of work to do and while I know your heart wants to help him fix the problem it is something he has to do. There are somethings we are not able to fix but you can work towards happiness and health for you and your daughter.