Cannot abandon my wife BPD sufferer

[Cena23]

Hello everybody,

This is my first post and I just wanted to see if I could get some advice on the situation I find myself in.

I have been with my wife for 5 years and in that time we have been through quite a lot together and a lot of it has to do with dealing with her depression. This is a task that I have never really struggled to stand up to because of my immense love for her and my desire to see her through. 

We had marital issues however I thought we could work through it. A few weeks ago she started displaying a total change in personality, she began drinking excessive amounts of alcohol, didn't want to spend time with me, took her wedding ring off, began speaking to another man at work and even while drunk made out with a lesbian girl from her work. She then told me that she didn't know what she wanted and wasn't sure if she loved me anymore. Since we have separated though she admits to not wanting to lose me and that i am her best friend and the only person who she has.

My reaction and the way i have coped with all of this is certainly a roller coaster to say the least. 

I began to see a therapist as I knew for my own health and her own also to learn how to cope and was told that my wife meets all the requirements for BPD. 

I have my friends and family around me who do not understand and they are all convinced that my wife is "evil" "manipulative" and "selfish" but I know her better than any of them and I know that her recent behaviour is more her illness and not her.

For the time being for my own health i have been told that i need to walk away and give her the space that she is asking for, which i am trying to do. Its hard because i can see her going down a very dark path and i am so concerned and worried about her. 

In the long term I cannot abandon her, she has been abandoned by every man in her life and I cannot do that to her. I know that this is a debilitating condition and i know that there are no quick fixes. I also know that I cannot be her saviour, but i want to learn more. All i have ever wanted to do was know and understand her better but everybody around me keeps wanting me to simply run for the hills.

And I just can't.

What has been the experience of others on here in terms of both sides of the coin. 

What is best for me to do for her in this time?

Thank you for reading...

[AGrace]

Hi Cena,

Thank you for sharing your story with us, and for your determination in supporting your wife.

Firstly I want to say that I suffer from BPD (I also have depression, anxiety, PTSD). As a sufferer I can certainly see some signs in your wife's behaviour, but the most important question I have is what professional help is your wife seeking?

It is really common for people with BPD to push people away, to engage in random sexual acts, and to feel a sense of emptiness, along with a fear of abandonment. Having said this, it's unfair to diagnose her without the help of a Psychiatrist or Psychologist.

Are you able to offer for her to see your Psychologist? Since separating have you been able to suggest professional help for her? What has her response been?

I know that she has asked for space, but I think if you can keep in contact then that would be useful.

I also understand your family. It's common for family members to see sufferers of BPD as manipulative, compulsive, irrational, attention seeking, unstable and I guess the list goes on.

I'm not sure how much you know about the illness, but if you are looking for more information google borderline support. There is a Melbourne based organisation that pretty much offers everything you need to know. Id also suggest the book Stop Walking On Eggshells. I purchased this for my parents and sisters not long after I was diagnosed. It's more of a book for carers than for patients.

I'm also going to suggest that it may be worthwhile reaching out to Mick in his thread  BPD - coping with partner he isn't in exactly the same situation as you, but is caring for a partner with BPD. Sometimes it's most helpful to speak with someone you can bounce ideas and challenges off of. There are also a number of forum members who suffer from BPD, if you want to take a look at the section for other mental illnesses.

I hope to hear more from you, and am happy to offer further support.

AGrace

[Cena23]

Hi AGrace,

Thank you for replying.

A lot has happened in that time between your reply and now.

I just found out that she has indeed had an affair with a guy from her work. I don't know if i have the strength in me to forgive her for this.

In reply to your question she is seeing a therapist but only for about a month, she keeps telling me she has done all of what she has done because this is what she deserves and that i deserve better than her. She doesn't think she can be helped and thinks she will be alone forever.

She says she wants to be alone at the moment but i don't trust her at all. I never thought i would feel this way about my wife.

All I wanted to do was be there for her but now finding out about the affair i don't think i have it in me.

I need to pull right away and get my head straight.

[AGrace]

Hi Cena,

I can completely empathise with you. You are the most important person for you. Although the illness can lead to unhelpful sexual acts the sufferer still needs to be responsible for their actions.

I agree it's time to step away. It's your choice whether you can forgive her or not, but you definitely don't have to decide this immediately.

There are plenty of support services for your wife to lean on, so she doesn't have to be dependent on you.

AGrace

[Asha]

Hi Cena,

i agree you need to look after yourself first and foremost, you can't help anyone if you get sick yourself.

My Mum had BPD and my Dad did end up leaving her, she did similar things basically trying to sabotage her relationships and push people away. I don't know if this helps but I found it useful to try to separate her from the illness. I trusted in what I knew about who she really was and tried to make that separate from the things the illness caused her to do.

So if she said or did something really hurtful or destructive I'd be like the BPD did that. I don't know if that's right to do but it helped me to not resent her. obviously just because I tried to separate it doesn't mean it hurt any less it just helped me to blame her less. 

I hope she keeps getting help, there's more out there than people realise. I also hope you keep seeing someone, loving someone with a mental illness isn't easy (I say that as someone who has a mental illness and who loved someone with one).

Hope you keep posting

Asha

[Cena23]

Thank you Asha and thank you again AGrace for taking the time to reply.

after a day of reflection i have realised that the strangest thing is that I am not all that hurt about the cheating. I mean I am but I have been waking up every morning at about 4am having dreams of her cheating on me and last night was the first time in a long time that it didnt happen. Perhaps my subconscious took the night off after saying "told you so"

I hope she continues to get help to.

I think my biggest issue is that I do want to be there for her but I want to be her saviour, which is not possible, and not healthy for either of us. She needs and I need to retreat for a while and focus on myself and to process how i am feeling about it all.

I kinda have found that I have already compartmentalised in my mind two separate parts of who she is but for the moment I have to step away totally to work on me. As you said I can't be of any use to anybody if I am not healthy myself.

I do know that I love and care about her very much and in time I will forgive her for her infidelity but at the moment i know that i can't. 

I will continue to post as it is comforting to be amongst people who know about both sides of this devastating illness and i hope that in time I can be of help to others also.

Thank you both again.

Cena23

[AGrace]

Hi Cena,

I really just wanted to say that I thought you put a lot of thought into your reply. One of the most helpful things for you right now will be time.

"Taking time to do nothing often brings everything into perspective"

AGrace

[Cena23]

hmm I had never heard that and i quite like it 🙂

Thank you 🙂