Can I help him?

[_sweetheart_]

Hi everyone

My partner has major depression and has done for over 10 years. We live together and have been together around 18 months. He seems to have a cycle, a great week, a good week, an ok week (where it seems he's fighting it off) and a shocking week where he literally stays in bed for days. We're in that week at the moment. He drinks a lot when he's bad, and I've just worked out he's drank our scotch - around 3 bottles in 3 days. He works from home but hasn't been 'going'. Yesterday I got a call saying that he hadnt gone to an online meeting and they were worried about him. I called her back and told her the truth but asked her to not say anything to his direct manager, to just say he was sick. I'm sleeping on the couch because our room stinks and he's a bad sleeper at the best of times but especially now - he calls out and thrashes about. Anyway he's on antidepressents which are CLEARLY not working. He is reluctant to change because he says he's 'better on these than the last ones'. He saw a new psychologist who he liked but he's only been once and cancels every other appointment (moves the appointments he says).

What do I do?? How can I help? I feel so sad but I also get pissed off, like, at least call your work yourself, and how could you drink our scotch etc. I feel when he's well enough to talk again I want to say we're going back to the doctor and changing tablets or I have to leave him. But is that wrong, 'threatening' him like this? He also says he wants to start a family, which I'm sure is not a good idea when he's so unwell but he thinks will give him a reason to live.

Sorry for the long first message, advice from anyone in the same boat appreciated

[smallwolf]

Hi and welcome to beyond blue.

Don't apologise for the long post - it can be helpful to you to get it all out and people here also get a good idea of whats happening.

The first and easiest response is to say that beyond blue have information for people like yourself who are supporting someone else. The link is here....

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/supporting-someone

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/supporting-someone/looking-after-yourself

If you do a google search for the "beyond blue supporting someone partner" you will other stories on the forum similar to yours. My own mother, supporting my father husband) would also get frustrated at him for different things. So it sounds a little like what happened with mum and similar to you.

On talking with him - depending on how to talk with him does not have be threatening. If you talk to him about the effect all this has on you he may change. Though you have thought about leaving him as well. So if an ultimatum is required then.... well, may understand the severity of the situation? And if you can talk in terms of "I" or "we" then it does not put the blame onto him where he becomes self-defensive.

On the medication - I have changed medications a few times. When I found one that works for my anxiety I was happy, so would be hesitant to change. At the same time, if the medication is not working that is a different matter. And unfortunately, mixing alcohol and medication is not advisable - the alcohol can counteract benefits of the medication.

The last bit is this.. you have come here to talk about your situation. Depending on how you feel etc you could also talk with someone yourself? What advice has your family given you?

Peace to you,

Tim

[_sweetheart_]

Hi Tim

Thanks for your reply. We had a breakthrough of sorts tonight. He came in and gave me a hug and I realised he was sobbing. Of course I cried too and we just sat holding each other and crying for 10 minutes. When he was able to speak he said he hates this, that it's not manly. I said, this is the manliest thing you've done all week, because it's honest. He confessed that this week was the first time he thought honestly about killing himself (now I'm crying again writing this). I told him we're going to the doctor and not leaving without new antidepressants, and would he let me come to the consult? And he said yes. (Previously he has always declined this but I want the doctor to know the extent of the situation)

So that's one hurdle out of the way, he's admitting to me and himself how bad it is. I know it wont be easy from here and that medications can take some time to work but honestly, I'm hanging all my hopes on finding the right one for him. He has in the past tried other things his doctor has suggested like no drinking, eating better, exercising regularly, and while I do want him to do those things (needless to say he does NONE of them when he is down so low), I know without the right medication it wont be enough.

I told him at the moment it's like trying to fix a broken leg with a bandaid. Now just trying to book in with his doctor which is a whole other battle during COVID!

Thanks for listening

[smallwolf]

Sounds like things are moving forward for you both.

Men are taught to be strong, not show feelings and suck I up. So admitting to a problem must make you weak?

I can open up with my psychologist but will struggle with my wife. Things are getting better society wise in the area. And I agree with you when you told him how manly it was to talk to you. Brenda Brown said that being vulnerable was a sign of courage and strength. That he was being open with you is a positive sign.

If you come back to chat some more I will be here.

Tim

[_sweetheart_]

9th of June, yep we are right on cue for him to be in his terrible week and what do you know. He's been in bed for two days and has drank from what I can work out two bottles of bourbon. After last month's bout we went to the doctor, he let me come in with him, and we changed antidepressants. A few days after taking it he said he felt fantastic but it seems we're back to square one.

To make matters worse (for me), I lost my job two weeks ago and so this is impacting in many ways - he is the sole income earner now; I could use his support but he's certainly not giving it at the moment (though he was wonderful when it first happened); money is too tight for me to go somewhere else even if I wanted to

[smallwolf]

So sad 😞 to read what you are going through presently.

unfortunately medication and alcohol don't mix. You cold google "alcohol and antidepressants" to read about the effect. e.g make depression worse, or negate effects of the medication -

see https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/drugs-alcohol-and-mental-health

Alcohol would also be viewed as a bad way of coping with stress. You probably knew this already?

If your partner is using alcohol as a coping mechanism, which would likely indicate something is bothering him. In your previous post you had also mentioned he thought about suicide. Was this mentioned when he changed medication?

How do you both feel about (him) talking with a GP or other professional (counsellor, psychologist, etc.) for talk therapy? With a mental health plan the costs would be lowered with a psychologist.

It is also important for you to look after yourself as well. The link above also has advice for you.

It’s important to take care of your own health and wellbeing during this time. Look after your physical health, take time out to do things you enjoy, and have your own supportive friends to call on when you need it.Youmight also find that at times you need a break, and that’s OK too. Just make sure your friend or family member knows how much time you need so they do not feel rejected or alone.

Tim

[_sweetheart_]

Hi Tim

Yes I certainly agree that alcohol makes things worse. He doesnt normally drink (well he drinks beer, but not like this) unless he's in a major depressive state. He once explained it made him feel numb which was the best he could hope for. So even though of course I hate it, I also hate what it symbolises for him.

No, he didnt tell his doctor he had suicidal ideation. He does have a psychologist and was due to see him on the 10th but obviously didnt go and was in no state to be reminded.

Are you the carer for someone with depression or were you the patient? My question now is, how can I help him? I make him meals which he eats (alone), I try and keep the house clean, I do his washing etc. I think he's on the way out of this one, he had a shower this morning, but I also think he was drinking this morning so could be a while longer.

I'm considering going to my parents' house tomorrow for a few days - or is this a bad idea? If I left him alone and something happened I would never forgive myself. Partly the reason I'm thinking of going is to - I dont know - show him what its like without me?? I dont know

Sorry for the ramble I'm really just thinking aloud

[smallwolf]

Its ok to ramble. Sometimes in writing that like you can find answers to what you are thinking about.

Me... I am just a person with depression who takes ADs who also does talk therapy. My father had been taking ADs for a much longer time but did not talk to anyone. Things got a bit worse for him, yadda, yadda, yadda... Over the space of a year after being on leave from work (I was suicidal) I would talk to mum and dad (one day a week) about things i talked about with my psychologist. It also give me ideas that I could also talk to mum about (for dad). There were also times I spoke to my dad. So it was a slow period of listening, hinting, suggesting etc.

Is it a bad idea to go to your parents? A very difficult question to answer. While you mentioned he had ideations you did not mention any plan or means? This does not mean it is not serious. And perhaps your going is partly due to frustration. It could also be that you are feeling the pressure of it all, and need a break as well. One thing you also need to do is practice some self care.

Does he have friends who might look out for him if you did go?

Also have a look at...

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/suicide-prevention/feeling-suicidal/talking-to-someone-about...

You could also contact the Suicide callback service for more information here...

https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/resource/supporting-someone-get-help/

https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/resource/looking-after-yourself/

It is clear you are in a difficult position as to what to do. As an aside, when things started going bad for me, I was told to tell my boss what was happening so that things could be done to reduce the stress at work. However when I went on work leave that was immediate. Some other people at work knew what was happening and also tried to help/support me. I guess I am suggesting that you cannot do it all alone.

and regardless of what you do, I would suggest that putting numbers for lifeline and suicide callback service into his contacts list on his phone.

Look after yourself,

Tim