Burn out supporting someone in depression

[elsewhere]

My flatmate is struggling with long-term depression & major current life events incl terminal illness of a loved one. I'm v introverted, w high anxiety that's worse than it's ever been so I need a bit of quiet recharge time. We've been v good friends for yrs, before we lived together often talked each other through mental health stuff. Now we live together, I've become his daily go to for emotional support, which I want to give. But he increasingly wants to spend several hrs most days talking through his feelings, doubts, etc. This might be ok, except these talks are mainly him repeating black&white negative thinking, and arguing hard against any other perspective. His first repsonse to any alternative view is to double down on his negative thought. For months I've been asking him to get counselling/see a psych bc of what's going on in his life. He's refused, says it's pointless, I'm the only one he can talk to, I get him through. I've explained that while ofc he can talk to me, I need time to recharge. If I ever say I just need to tap out for tonight after several hrs talk, he responds badly. Last wknd after talking through a very low day for 5 hrs, him (again) angrily mocking treatment & any alternative or positive idea I offered, I snapped & stormed out. He said he 'knows he puts too much on me' but still I'm the only one he can talk to. I say I want to support him & he can talk to me but this is why he also needs to speak to a professional who can guide him. He gets guilty about it, but keeps doing it. I'm starting to feel like I'm the only one he'll talk to bc I let him just unload all his feelings and then argue him out of them but I can't do it at this intense level every day. I know he's trying in a way but he won't get help. Even after we spoke about how I love & support him but can't fix it for him and can't do this all the time, he keeps pushing me for more, while arguing against anything I say. Its always overwhelmingly negative & takes a lot of emotional energy. If I ask to just pause after doing this several hours several nights/week, he comments how it makes him sad/guilty but tries to keep drawing me back into that convo. I DO get that he's struggling and want to help but I'm feeling panicky that I can't ever tap out. Feel awful that I snapped & scared I'm going to make him worse if I get more panicked & resentful, his response to my needing space is so self-critical. So not coping myself & feel I'm making it worse w my reaction. Help?

[therising]

Hi elsewhere

You sound like a kind and thoughtful person under a lot of stress.

While your goal is to ultimately raise your friend through listening to them and offering constructive ways in which they can help further raise them self, sounds like their objective is simply to vent possibly without the intention of rising to any significant challenges. If this is the case, I imagine this is why you've suggested professional help - dealing with someone who can set the challenges strategically.

Have you ever asked your friend how they've planned coming out of their depression? Suggesting to them that it's not going to happen without some plan, may help raise their consciousness a little.

While none of us ever plan or consciously manage our way into depression, we do need to plan to consciously manage our way out of it. We do get taught a lot of poop throughout our life, such as you'll be loved if you conform to pleasing others or if you don't live up to society's expectations you're nothing more than a reject or a 'weirdo'. Managing to unlearn a lot of this sort of stuff in favour of coming to know a new and healthy truth definitely takes skill development. If we want to change things, developing a skill set is a must.

The act of raising our self, especially out of a depression, can prove a little scary at times. Although painful, it can feel less confronting to curl our self up into something like a psychological fetal position, wishing it would go away. I remember those days well. From experience, the scary part about raising myself came down to letting go of who I was. I had to lose my self, in a way. Eg: I was generally someone who needed to feel accepted and approved of. I had to become someone who was at peace with being rejected (by those with unhealthy conditions). I had to feel loved by people I gave value to. I had to become someone who was happy not being 'loved' (by those with unhealthy conditions). I accept rejection pretty well these days. If people prefer to reject me rather than come to know me, I can live with their choice. In awakening to see the faults in another person's thinking, this gives us the ability to stop focusing on the imagined faults or flaws in our self.

While you are trying so hard to reform/change this situation, your friend is avoiding the great challenge of facing personal reformation. Grab a pen and paper and see if they're willing to write out a plan. Tell them it's their 1st challenge. Insist they rise to it.

🙂

[elsewhere]

Thanks therising, this is really helfpul. We've talked about what he can do to manage depression, but not in those terms. Asking him to come up with a plan might be better than me trying to push solutions. One challenge is he doesn't fully believe that there are any, so Ive spent many hours trying to convince him otherwise. He's been to psychologists before but it 'hasn't worked'. A big plus, he has now agreed to go see a new one, which is great, but he's very skeptical and maybe a little scared so he is leaning on me for support on that.

I think your experience of learning to be ok not being loved by everyone would resonate with him, it def feels to me like part of why his need to talk feels so intense - to reassure himself of other's feelings. He often says 'he's too much for anyone' and I don't know how to help him see the difference that while HE is not too much, this specific behaviour is too much but can be modified & healthier. Can I ask what helped you with learning to see yourself differently?

Meantime though he still deals w any negative thoughts/feelings by unloading it all unfiltered & sort of looking for someone else to change how he feels. We all need that sometimes, but w him its constant, intense. We've talked abt how he can learn to manage thoughts/feelings himself, but he's v skeptical there too. I'm sympathetic bc I've been there, but I'm stressed by the ongoing expectation that I talk for hrs each day abt any difficult feeling he has. I feel it's unhealthy for him to be so reliant on it, but asking him to limit it makes him feel a burden. After I got upset last wk I said I want him to know he has support & understanding, but I sometimes need to take time out & know that he won't take it as rejection. He assured me that's fine but his behaviour is the same. It's a daily negotiation where he's reluctant to let me take space & pushes for more talk. Yest he started talking about another negative thought he's dealing with. When I paused to think how to respond he sarcastically/annoyed said "Well I guess we're not talking about that!". We spoke abt it for an hr then moved onto another chat. I said I was going to bed soon after, he was again upset "Huh, well fine then!" I know they're small things but it feels like a constant pressure to be reassuring him. I don't know how to tell him these little pushes are not accepting what we spoke abt and stressing me out, without making him feel like a burden/unloved or like he can't talk to me at all.

[elsewhere]

Also feel really unsure if my frustration is unfair - maybe all this would seem fine to a more extroverted person and it's just me expecting too much quiet, or taking his talks to intensely because for me they need a lot of social energy. Any thoughts on managing that are super welcome too.

[therising]

Hi elsewhere

Good to hear your friend is going to seek help outside of your conversations. Some psyches can prove ineffective whereas others are legends. Hope you friend's picked a legend this time around.

I tend to have some absolute ripper epiphanies while I'm daydreaming. Yes, I'm a master at daydreaming. Was as a kid too. Apparently the brain can prove to be highly active when in such a super relaxed state such as this. Studies and scans confirm it. So, it's in my daydreaming state that some of my epiphanies come to me. This is how I came to let go of seeking approval and love from others. I once asked the question 'What's wrong with me?' and then, BAMM, off with the fairies I went (daydreaming). The solution suddenly hit me: Focus on the behaviour of others and observe how they interact with me. At the same time ask 'Am I being reasonable?' Okay, so I'd never done this before and thought I'd give it a go. It became a very interesting experiment. I observed those whose minds were closed to stuff I personally loved in life. I found those who seriously lacked patience. I found those who didn't feel the need to put a lot of effort or time into the relationship they had with me. Boy, did the list go on when it came to observing the behaviour of others. I found it reasonable to believe I was/am a good person worth more than what people were giving to me. I was not worth less (than what I deserved). My self esteem began to rise.

elsewhere, people can really exhaust us at times. I suggest you ask your friend to find ways to raise you. Get them to focus on raising you to a smile, raising you to some laughter, raising you to new ideas and so on. Challenge them. Say perhaps 'I will not sit down and talk with you until you commit to raising me once every 15 minutes or so'. Hopefully this will have a triple effect: 1) It won't lead you to feel so exhausted, 2) It will distract your friend from negative thoughts occasionally and 3) it will show them they have the ability to be uplifting. You share time together in a more balanced way.

Strange but your friend is actually observing your behaviour yet from their perspective as opposed to the perspective which dictates the health of the relationship they share with you. This would explain why they're taking things personally. Leading them to raise you, like I mentioned, may allow them to see things from your point of view. They may come to understand how you enjoy being served.

🙂

[elsewhere]

Thanks for all your thoughts, therising 🙂 These are interesting ideas - I'll def try it out!

[aprilmayyy]

Hey elsewhere, I can completely understand hat you are going through. My boyfriend is severely depressed and suffering from I believe to be an undiagnosed mood disorder.
Similarly I find myself offering help in any way I know how - listening, suggestions of psyc, hypnotherapy, exercise together, help him change aspects of his life - with little aceptance on his end. I can enver seem to say the right thing whether it be just listening, suggestion plans and options to start tracking towards happiness or counselling. Even worse, he has recently also started texting me massive, long, rambling messages about how unhappy he is and that he needs help and then if I try to offer support he blows it off or gets angry.

Just like you, it is taking a massive toll on my mental health and ability to function in my normal life. I feel guilty seeing my friends as it can set him off, and I tread so lightly that I'm lviing in this constant state of anxiety. I've had to start seeing my psyc again to help me and it makes me angry then when his excuse to not speak to someene is due to money and I offer to pay for his and mine