BPD son in prison, I’m over it

[Sunflower62]

My son has been arrested for the second time. He was arrested in 2015, trial and sentencing in 2016, released 2018. I believed him when he said he didn’t do it. He has BPD. I thought he had turned the corner and was getting his life on track. Had started studying, got a job, seemed to be ok. Then last week he was arrested again. He went before a judge, remanded in custody until end of April, no bail. His name suppressed. I don’t know what he has been charged with but have been told it’s serious. I don’t know what to think or what to do. I don’t think I know my son at all. I know longer trust him, I really don’t want to deal with it but there is no one else. I’m angry and sad. Other than my partner nobody knows. I’d rather he just didn’t exist anymore. I’m a terrible mother for thinking.

[ecomama]

Hello again Sunflower, this is a very distressing time for you.

You have a lot of stress dealing with not only your son's actions but also the financial fallout.

It's ALL new and you've been "blindsided" by it all, I think?
You mentioned "the last time" but not sure what you're referring to.

It's all crumbling down on you atm and there's only so much you can process right now.

For one, you don't have to make any huge decisions about whether you'll walk away or not.. you can or you don't have to.
That decision doesn't have to be made right now.

If you ARE staying "in it" just for tomorrow.
You can get a big Scrapbook and put the immediate things in the front of it.
The "soon" things in the middle.
And the "to deal with later" things at the end. (This would include your worries about son rebuilding his life.... that's a later thing).

This may help you compartmentalise what you feel you NEED to do now.
And what can be put off.

I really encourage you to phone 1800RESPECT.
Those awful questions you're asking yourself and blaming yourself about, need to be aired with a professional who can help you feel better, is possible.

Not only are you dealing with your OWN trauma at the shocking news of all of this (and the ways you're finding out!) but you're trying to deal with what son is going through also.
A double whammy.
Possibly more.

I cannot fathom your experiences right now, I'm so sorry this has happened and that son has brought this all upon you too.

Please take some time each day to care for yourself in a nurturing way.

Many Blessings
Love EM

[geoff]

Hello Sunflower, we are deeply sorry for what you are trying to deal with, but a parent isn't responsible and doesn't necessarily have to take on any liability for what their kids have done.

You still love him but don't care for him, especially about what he's done, but this isn't your fault, he's now an adult and has to suffer the consequences and he needs to realise that he may also require help for his condition.

I can't say what you should do but help for yourself is probably your best option and once our kids become adults they have their own choices to make, irrespective of how their parents want them to do.

Please take care.

Geoff.

[Sunflower62]

Thank you EM. When I say the other time this is the second time that he has been charged. He served time the first time. The big difference is that he told me he didn’t do it and I believed him so I supported him. He has now done it a second time so I now no longer know what the truth is. He will likely serve time for the current one as well as having to finish the first one because he was released early. I have a second session booked with a counsellor. It’s all over Facebook. I can only take one day at a time and do what I can do.

[Sunflower62]

Hi Tony, I hear you. My sons father was very manipulative and he is no longer in either of our lives. My son has borderline personality disorder but he knows the difference between right and wrong. I supported him the first time round because I believed his innocence. I don’t anymore and as hard as it is to reconcile the person that I thought I knew with what he has done I hav3 realised the truth. I’ll just take one day at a time for the moment.

[white knight]

With all the views here and your own intuition you'll find the right path to go.

You are proactive getting counseling.

Geoff is spot on, you aren't responsible.

I wouldn't worry about Facebook or local gossip. People know you did nothing wrong.

TonyWK

[ecomama]

Hi Sunflower

Sorry for making you repeat that, I saw it in your initial post afterwards, but couldn't edit my post, so I'm sorry.

No one would want to believe their own child has committed a crime.

I can see you're beginning to accept that you son has been lying to you for his own reasons.
Seldom would a person guilty of a crime admit they did it anyway.

It really is a case of your son knowing right and wrong as you said.
He's an adult and has made multiple decisions that led him to where he is now.

It's really all on him and it's not a fair thing that you are also burdened with any of it.

I Hope you can find some peace and in some ways detach from the responsibility of his decisions.

I wish you peace
Love EM

[Sunflower62]

I’m spending my Easter dismantling my sons life. Organising the lease break, selling his stuff, sorting through the detritus of his life that represents the last 18 months of his life. The more I see the more I realise how much my son hid from me and still hides from me. I understand why but he made his choices and now has to deal with the consequences. I can’t live his life for him.

[white knight]

In terms of your own child perspective is so important. You're getting a good solid perspective.

TonyWK

[Sunflower62]

Thank you Tony. It’s not I wanted for my son. I his mental health has played a role but at the end of the day he made a choice, and that choice hurt someone else. I can’t and won’t support that choice. I can’t tell him that yet because he is still hiding behind a cloud of lies. I don’t know if he will ever be able to face his own truth of who he is.

[geoff]

Hello Sunflower, can I agree with Tony, 'You're getting a good solid perspective', and although it's a very difficult position for you to be in, you can never be sure exactly what happened and won't be told by him, only the court details will inform you.

You are being so brave but take your time, you don't have to rush this and believe what you're told in the court hearings because you may find it so difficult to believe what your son has to say, especially if there's proof from circumstantial evidence then getting rid of his belongings will help you be able to move forward.

We know it's not pleasant but all you need are family, friends who love you and you can definitely trust.

Have a good Easter and lease let us know how you're feeling and/or getting on.

Take care.

Geoff.