BPD son in prison, I’m over it

[Sunflower62]

My son has been arrested for the second time. He was arrested in 2015, trial and sentencing in 2016, released 2018. I believed him when he said he didn’t do it. He has BPD. I thought he had turned the corner and was getting his life on track. Had started studying, got a job, seemed to be ok. Then last week he was arrested again. He went before a judge, remanded in custody until end of April, no bail. His name suppressed. I don’t know what he has been charged with but have been told it’s serious. I don’t know what to think or what to do. I don’t think I know my son at all. I know longer trust him, I really don’t want to deal with it but there is no one else. I’m angry and sad. Other than my partner nobody knows. I’d rather he just didn’t exist anymore. I’m a terrible mother for thinking.

[ecomama]

Dear Sunflower

My heart sank when you wrote "It's not what I wanted for my son".

This must be such an incredibly hard time for you and my heart goes out to you as a mum and grandmother myself. Huge hugs.

I realised your energy in supporting him in jail last time and believing him.
I imagine you would've been "angry at the system" for putting him there and interrupting his life.
All that time believing him, supporting him, now this!

All your faith in him disappearing... NOT your love! But yeah all the rest.

I was married to a very evil man and had the "detritus" to clean up afterwards too... every piece I touched, seemed to have "shock and disbelief" embedded in it... it was / is a trying time. We still find the odd piece of stuff.

I had a revolting paradigm shift deep inside me.
That our closest ppl can bare face lie and keep up those lies forever more.

When I listened to the free audio book "The People of the Lie" by M.Scott Peck, I felt freed!

It created a paradigm shift that allowed ME to mentally separate from the illnesses demon had AND the putrid acts of harm it did also.

I know it IS different, I was not his mum. His mother is as twisted as demon, lying her way to the grave. Not even his father could lie in Court.

If at some point you need something else to help, this audio book MAY help... Peck was a highly regarded Psychiatrist for many decades. If you can fast forward through the religious stuff... there are AMAZING things in there that can help you.

You are always welcome here on the forums and we really hope you keep posting to let us know how you are.

Love EM

[Sunflower62]

He rung me at lunchtime today and asked me to pass on his Happy Birthday wishes to his younger brother. His voice was full of pain. I have had anxiety all afternoon and finally caved and had a drink tonight. I feel stretched this with the demands on my time and when I get time for me I’m too tired to do anything with it, I just need this to be done.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Sunflower62,

Thanks for reaching out on the forums tonight. We're so sorry to hear how stressful your night has been. We understand that receiving this call would've been so painful and emotionally taxing. If you ever need to talk to someone about these issues you might find it helpful to contact a Support Service such as Relationships Australia.  The Relationships Australia Support Service can be contacted on 1300 364 277. They provide relationship support services for individuals, families and communities and aim to support all people in Australia to achieve positive and respectful relationships. We'd also encourage you to reach out to our Beyond Blue Support Service, which is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.  You are not alone here, and we hope that you keep us updated on how you're going whenever you are able.

[geoff]

Hello Sunflower, I understand how confusing this may be for you and appreciate your kindness in letting us know.

This would definitely make how you are feeling very complex, mixed between reasoning and emotions and may feel that your son is finally trying to make some sense, but he's in a situation behind bars and not actually able to do what he wants to do.

True emotional, as well as rational people, are affected by decisions they make either way, but only when they are able to in some consistent way, not making bad decisions against the law, then being locked up and trying to be compassionate in what you may believe as only pretending.

I can't say whether his wishes to his brother were genuine or not, unfortunately, that's something you have to decide on, but can I ask you, would this happen if he wasn't locked up, sorry.

Take care.

Geoff.

[ecomama]

Dear Sunflower

Happy Birthday to your younger son. Happy birthing day mama. Hugs!

I'm so sorry you're going through all this.

I know you feel so alone, but you have people that care about you and I want you to know that.
Reach out to helplines WHENEVER you need them.
1800RESPECT is awesome.

Please do this.
This is NOT on you.

Son's actions led him to where he is.

I was thinking of you yesterday, hoping you're coping okay....

I tried to put myself in your shoes and ofcourse I know I'd cry a mountain of tears and probably blame myself too...

then I thought "he's in the best place". He needs to be there to keep society safer.

There's so much anguish in awakening to the realities of what he's done... but you would want this if someone had done the same offenses to your children.

I Pray for CHANGE for son.
That he opens up honestly to the MH support in prison and gets help for his tendencies that have harmed others.
So that he never re-offends. Which is all of our hopes, I'm sure.

Atm he sounds a bit like an alcoholic that will not admit he's an alcoholic.
Everybody knows that the first step is to recovery is to admit the alcoholism.
Only then can recovery occur.

I truly hope it's the same for offenders of his nature.

Maybe it's time for a bit of "tough love" so that you can go through whatever you need to mentally and emotionally and put a bit of space between you for that recovery?

Please reach out for help with that, this is NOT your fault, son did this all of his own volition.

Hugs
EMxxxx

[Sunflower62]

I saw my son Sunday morning. He seems ok. The eyes I look thorough at him now are no longer the same eyes that looked at him 6 months ago. I know I’m grieving. Grieving for the person I thought he was but now know that that was a facade. He is so charming, so friendly but so deluded. Grieving for the life I thought he would have. Grieving for the little boy with big blue eyes and curly hair who loved dinosaurs and going to the beach. I know now that he is mentally unwell and I now believe that he is a sicker than people realise. He fooled me because I wanted to believe. He fools other people because he is so plausible. I’ve spoken to his lawyer and he has prepared me for the worst. He will encourage my son to plead guilty. I dread the day when my son realises that I no longer believe his innocence.

[geoff]

Hello Sunflower, you wanted to believe him because you're his mother, that's totally understandable, however, there comes a time when what he says to you isn't the truth as shown by his actions and the exhaustion of anxiety this will then create with the possibility that he fools other people because he is so plausible, unfortunately, won't stop him from trying to convince you that he's innocent, but the courts seem to differ.

Eventually, our children grow up to develop their own life, and everything we've done to teach them the good in life may all of a sudden change, why, well any temptation from another person can pursue them to try something different that will convince them that doing this will benefit them more than what they're currently doing.

This isn't your fault, you've brought him up the way you wanted, but once they become adults, we have no choice on a decision they decide on what to do and whether it's good or bad they have to accept what type of reaction is installed for them, we only hope it's good but it's out of our hands.

Take care.

Geoff.

[Nameless1]

Hi sunflower62

i know the feeling. My son is in remand and has court in 2 weeks to decide on whether he gets extra time above the time served it released t a CCO . We too have struggled with his decisions and choices and lies. We can’t tell anyone except our minister at church and Gp we see for counselling Mental health issues and loss disappointment bullying PTSD didn’t help and we are concerned how we will manage when he is released if he hadn’t had help to deal with the causes .
I too miss who he used to be. We have had much pain as he likes to blame us. Do the comments by many others here have been helpful in understanding the need to stop feeling guilty.
we try and take a day at a time.
it is not easy to find support information to help with what we are going through when you can’t tell friends and family !!

Thinking of you and send my support knowing what you are going through

Nameless1

[geoff]

Hello Nameless, I'm sorry you are in this position and besides who you are able to talk to, ask your doctor about 'the mental health plan', this entitles you to approximately 6-10 Medicare claimable sessions with a psychologist per year, although you may be able to have more, just ask your doctor.

This will enable you to talk about the situation when your son is released because there must be so many questions you want to ask, that a psych can talk about and direct you in another direction and with other parents who have been in exactly the same position.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[ecomama]

Dearest Sunflower,

I can really hear the pain and grieving in your words.
It's terribly sad to go through this as a loving mother.
Biggest hugs.

I'm not sure if what I'm about to write will make sense.
You ARE allowed to love your son.

I know you don't condone what he's done, you understand he'll suffer consequences, he has to face these.
Sadly so do you.
So you won't love the monster inside of him that as these compulsions BUT you can still love him.

Maybe this is the approach you can have when disclosing that you know he's been lying to you.
Just as we do as mothers when any of our children's lies have been discovered.

In fact I THANK children for being honest with me.

I completely agree with you that he NEEDS HELP.
I'm not sure how effective any help is for ppl who suffer these compulsions but I realise that the first step in him getting help and making it successful, is admitting whole heartedly that he's caused extreme harm.

I encourage you to seek your own help.
Having a child who's done these things and faces incarceration could bring loads of secondary trauma experiences.

You are also a victim.
Massive hugs.

Love EM