BPD son in prison, I’m over it

[Sunflower62]

My son has been arrested for the second time. He was arrested in 2015, trial and sentencing in 2016, released 2018. I believed him when he said he didn’t do it. He has BPD. I thought he had turned the corner and was getting his life on track. Had started studying, got a job, seemed to be ok. Then last week he was arrested again. He went before a judge, remanded in custody until end of April, no bail. His name suppressed. I don’t know what he has been charged with but have been told it’s serious. I don’t know what to think or what to do. I don’t think I know my son at all. I know longer trust him, I really don’t want to deal with it but there is no one else. I’m angry and sad. Other than my partner nobody knows. I’d rather he just didn’t exist anymore. I’m a terrible mother for thinking.

[Sunflower62]

I visited my son today. It was heartbreaking. He said he’ll probably plead guilty and get 4 years. He said he knows he did it but doesn’t remember as he had been drinking and taken drugs (prescription). He feels he has nothing left. I’ve said to him we need to just let it play out. We can’t make any decisions until we have more information.

[geoff]

Hello Sunflower, it's an awkward situation for you now, not knowing whether or not to believe what has actually happened, and why, then what are your next moves, and leaves you in a quandary as what you are going to do now and in fours time.

The unfortunate point is that he knows he did it but doesn’t remember as he had been drinking and taken drugs (prescription), is something you have to unravel, but in all fairness, you won't know the truth until it goes to court and trying to make 'assumptions' is something you should try not to do, (that's why I don't like using that word).

When I used to wake up during the night thinking about what I need to do or should have done but didn't, I have to stop thinking that way, simply because nothing can be done until tomorrow, I'm only causing unnecessary worry for myself.

I hope you can feel a little better.

Take care.

Geoff.

[Sunflower62]

Sigh...I’m waiting for a phone call to tell me he is in hospital after an attempt. I know he is being monitored but I also know he is very adept at masking. He is in a world of pain and has been for a long time. I have tried my best to help him but I can’t be there 24/7. He told me he doesn’t think he should live on his own, that if he was still living with me this probably wouldn’t have happened. Emotional manipulation I know. Sometimes the emotional pain is unbearable.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Sunflower62,

Thanks for dropping by tonight. We can hear that your son's current mental state has you feeling very upset and stressed. We acknowledge how difficult a position you're in. Please remember that our community is here to support you, so please let us know if there is anything you need in particular.  Our Support Service is trying to reach out to you via email as we are worried about you. We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
Please check-in and let us know how you are whenever you feel up to it.
 

[Sunflower62]

I just reread my post and understand your concern. He is in the high risk unit being monitored. They are aware of his past attempts. I just feel it’s only a matter of time before he tries again and I have told them this.

[geoff]

Hello Sunflower, I know of your concern and very sorry for you and realise that what has just happened creates another enormous problem you have to try and cope with, one you had only wished it wasn't something else to contend with.

It's good you've told the hospital this isn't the first time he had tried, they are then in a position to handle this with extreme care, knowing that he still has to face court and will keep a close watch on him, that's why it wouldn't be appropriate for him to live with you, first, he has to see if he has been sentenced to any gaol time, where he will need to be monitored about his safety.

I can't say or tell you what to do, but if he lived with you, the entire situation for you would put you in a state worst off than what you are now, it would be unwise, simply because you aren't sure what he will want or what may happen, that's certainly not good for your own health.

The court will be informed of his current situation, let them decide what's best to do for your son, at the moment you can't do anything, I'm sad to say, but please can you get back to us.

Take care.

Geoff.

[Sunflower62]

I’ve made another appt to see my counsellor. I haven’t heard from my son or anyone about what’s happening. I know I need to patient and I have to wait for the system to catch up. I’m slowly working through the detritus of his life that is left of his life. The maxed credit cards, finance on the car, doing a lease break. It’s very tiring. I’m grateful that I have a supportive partner but I can’t share all my thoughts with him. I have to put aside the hopes that I had for my son and face the reality of who he really is, however unpalatable that may be. I don’t know what his future holds. I can’t think that far ahead. My relationship with my partner foundered the first time this happened but I won’t let it this time. My son asked me if I still love him? I said yes, but I didn’t like him very much.

[geoff]

Hello Sunflower, I don't think you will be told much at the moment because it still has to go through the legal system so no one will actually know.

Your partner is there to offer you support and to verbalise exactly what you are worried about can be difficult to have them on the same page as you are on, although trying to get them to accept it.

I understand that with your son you may still love him but don't care for him for several reasons which is a feeling you could talk to your counsellor about but happy to hear back from you at anytime you want to

Geoff

[Sunflower62]

I found out this morning what it is alleged that he has done. It was reported in an online newspaper. No names mentioned. He is much much sicker than I realised. As a mother I can’t help wonder at how I didn’t see it and was it something I did wrong? He is in so much psychological and emotional pain, he no longer has a life and rebuilding it is going to be very difficult. I really want to close the door on all this and just walk away. I can’t tell anyone the truth.

[white knight]

Hi again, thanks for the update.

Let's look at this in terms of cutting him out of your life. I'll use my own situation although quite different but effectively I've lost a child.

She's now 28yo. My second of two daughters, my eldest I'm close to. Their mother I left when the girls were7 and 4 yo. So bad was her narcissistic behaviour I made an attempt on my life. Saved myself and left her one week later. I continued to see the children for weekends. My eldest came to live with me at 12yo. My youngest at 14yo rang me and said chilling words "I dont want to see you anymore". I questioned her a lot to find out the reason but no reason came just silence- mirroring her mothers actions. In fact she was a copy of her mother but I tried to treat her as an individual.

My daughter would then about every 2 years come into my life then 2 weeks later leave it- just like that! It was as if she was digging for information on my, my success and sometimes she wanted money of which she never got.

Two years ago we were travelling around on a caravan trip and again she contacted me (always on facebook so she could block me at her will and wouldnt give me her address nor phone number). We talked great for 10 days then- gone again. Again I was hurt, as my second wife had listened in on the calls she told me I'd done nothing wrong, that it was a game she played. My wife was actually her favourite auntie by marriage most of her childhood and knew her and her mother very well. So I asked myself- "how long will I be playing this game? its been going on for 12 years...when do I stop it forever?"

So I did. I blocked her from facebook and decided not to communicate at all. I also decided that if she found my new address and she approached, I'd invite her in for a talk but I would be very firm and distant. The reason I'd talk with her is for my benefit that I could live with myself better not turning her away.

How does this relate to you? Well, you need to, under the circumstances, preserve yourself, your own life and do what you can manage- whatever that might be.

I've had the comments from others- "but she's your daughter". That doesnt give her immunity. She does not have my interest at heart 1%. She has no interest in my love I give her nor my efforts in other ways. I also paid $15,000 over and above child support to give her a brand new smile with jaw operations.

It's angels like my youngest daughter that I can do without.

I hope that helps. I hope you smile again

TonyWK