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anyone here have any experiences with a spouse that has ocpd or may have ocpd

Community Member

Having had major issues with my wife over the last 15 years approx, been together 25 years first 10 blissful and close. until first baby arrived,.

Its now near the end, for several years i have decided i have had enough. but put it off for the kids. Then somehow i came across ocpd. ocpd fits like a glove on what i perceive to be the the problem with my wife. To me its crystal clear. Is there someone who has had there spouse diagnosed that can help me is some discussion. Shes a tuff one.

11 Replies 11

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
hi Dalailama, thanks for your comment, and to answer question, yes I have, but it's on the other foot, I'm the one with OCD and have had it for 56 years, plus my eldest son also has had it, but I can understand how it must iterate you, with myself I hide it so no one else knows I am doing anything, but please ask any question you want. Geoff.

Community Member

Hi Dalailama, I can certainly understand why you are feeling frustrated living with someone with OCD. It is a very frustrating form of anxiety disorder and in my experience also extremely difficult to treat . The first issue is that the person involved must acknowledge that the thoughts they have around their obsessions are indeed anxiety based and not "real" or healthy. They must then have the desire to want to challenge the thoughts which for them is usually pretty scary as often the obsessive thoughts come with a kind of threatening aspect to them , like " if you don't do this , something bad will happen".

The thoughts have usually made the person believe that if they do some sort of ritual , they will be spared the consequences of the bad outcome. So ... For example , someone with OCD might believe that you need turn a light on and off 3 times instead of just once or else one of the kids will be harmed.

Now many people live with their "secret " OCD thoughts and rituals and never present for treatment. But if it is interfering with their life , upsetting them, or the lives of people around them, then I think it's time to get some help.

The first point of call is your GP.

There is info on the Beyond Blue website ,and also the SANE website has info about dealing with someone in your family with OCD.

Community Member
Thanks for the reply.i think its ocpd not ocd. She shows very little to do with heavy rituals apart from the cleaning side. That can be ocd ish..like a clean glass from cupboard and rinses it 5 times before using it. Dog jumps on bed ,all shheets have to be washed and extremly upset etc etc.

Community Member

Hi geoff

Na its ocpd based .very little ocd.

Well at least based on my reading about it ocd and ocpd being quite different. She simply does not think she is wrong even a tiny bit

My husbands psychiatrist thinks he has OCPD. My husband is Aspergers though so all his rigidity and rules relate much more to that and he has been that way for many many years, since a child, whereas OCPD seems to develop later. My husband has no hoarding and no devotion to work at the expense of family. He is highly perfectionistic, gets overly concerned with rules and transgressions but again for a man with autistic tendencies that makes sense. When he is very depressed and feeling out of control his need for control escalates and he gets much more rigid and rule driven. When he is well he is more relaxed and flexible though I would never say he is an easy going type.

Your wife would need to meet quite a few criteria

*Excessive devotion to work that impairs social and family activities
*Excessive fixation with lists, rules and minor details
*Perfectionism that interferes with finishing tasks
*Rigid following of moral and ethical codes
*Unwillingness to assign tasks unless others perform exactly as asked
*Lack of generosity; extreme frugality without reason
*Hoarding behaviors

Sometimes when people are anxious or depressed and feeling a lack of control they make seek to control what is around them and seem more highly strung and irritable. Has your wife seen a Gp or psychologist for any mental health issues?

Hi winterfell thanks for taking the time.its appreciated. She had anxiety approx 12 years ago. 2 years ago i threatened spkitting and told her to go see pysch. She was cleared of depression. I didnt know ocpd then. Something is wrong . Ocpd fits . She has been tokd by myself a week ago and is saying we need to split. Truth is i want to and have for several years shes insanley nasty to me.treats the kids like an angel but fights with them over ocpd type things.my son is 16 and starting to see through the cracks. Told her its a chance to fix it before he realises trying to give a healthy nudge.. doubful though.shes to tough its not funny. Even over a crumb left on the table. So here i am.well i love her and would like her back. I cannot stay with this but must try before saying ta ta. She has treated me with total contempt for 15 years or so.never good enough. Never clean enough.never achieve enough. Never earn enough. She picks the most exspensive things/schools/ shoes. I am a tradesman and was slipping behind and asked her to go back to work so we can catch up. She hates me for it. Calls me a pig . Cant even lie on her bed with sheets up. So im stuck but again will try this last ditch

That sounds like a tough situation. You must live life on eggshells but I understand though you want to see if things can get better before you call it quits. Is she willing to go for counselling with you? Sometimes a third party can see things and point out areas for intervention and the counselling environment stops things from getting too inflamed. It might help also if she has anxiety or control issues to help her get to the bottom of things, she doesnt sound happy.

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Dalailama!

I have recently been "officially" diagnosed with ocpd (but have technically had it all my life). If you want any advice or info from someone with personal experience and understanding I am happy to help out! I've found that the internet doesn't provide much support or information about ocpd, but I know a lot from having it myself. Much like your wife, I have a lot of things I do that could also be seen as ocd, but really ocpd fits me perfectly. From what you've written on here about your wife, I can see that I can relate to her quite a lot! 🙂

I think I hav ocpd, I thought it was ocd but I don’t do the hand washing/ door checking thing, I do however have to have things a certain way, check items to make sure they live up eg: floor mats, containers basically everything in the house I check they are in the right spot every time I am near them, and then some I clean and dry the sink about 29-39 times a day have to make sure it’s dry and clean. I get angry/upset if people in the house move things around I always feel it has do be done my way, which is the right way. I’m on edge anxious all the time, and seem to spend 80% of my day making things line up and checking they are in the right spot and even when I have lined them up I move them and line them up again. I am always irritated and can’t seem to relax looking all the time to see if something is out of place. Help!